Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza

I’ve always been a man with an elevated sex drive.

(How’s THAT for a first sentence?)

I have found over the past couple of years, though, that I’m not always “up to the task”. Now that is NOT to say that I need to start taking little blue pills or anything like that…it’s never quite that kind of situation. No, rather it’s a matter of …let’s say…finishing what I start.

Understand?

Previously, I’ve contributed it to things such as stress, my weight (when I was 20 lbs heavier), and “over-thinking” the situation. For the record, it has never been about Sunshine because, quite frankly, she’s the most incredible partner I’ve ever had…inside and outside of the bedroom. It’s not even a recurring occurrence, either (try saying THAT ten times fast)…and it certainly hasn’t been an issue over the past year or so.

So recently I haven’t really been myself (hence not much for blog posts). I can’t place a finger on the exact reason why, but I just haven’t quite “been there” mentally. As it turns out, there have been some mornings where that “certain somebody” simply doesn’t want to co-operate the way he should.

I have very little say in how he works.  As it turns out, he really is the boss.

Who's the bossWhen discussing this situation with Sunshine, she mentioned who the boss was. I immediately then named my penis “Tony Danza”. Of course, after seeing Sunshine’s reaction, I immediately regretted that decision as her laughter was instantaneous and it has been an ongoing joke in the week since the incident took place.

Which brings me to the title of this post. One of the most bizarre “misheard lyrics” in history is the changing of Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” (which was released back in 1974) from “Hold me closer, tiny dancer” to “Hold me closer, Tony Danza”. Don’t ask me why, but this is apparently a very common mistake.

So there you have it. After over a week without posting (and over two weeks without any new content), my first post back is about my member who is now named after a cheesy 80’s actor.

Welcome to 2013.

Hold me closer, Tony Danza

One Word: Lube

As a man about to hit 40 later this year, I can tell you that I’ve been with a lady or two. I’m really not trying to brag, I’m just trying to put my views into perspective.

I always thought that there were certain things that would “prove” whether or not a woman was truly enjoying herself with a man. I grew into my 20’s thinking that orgasms were the only way to truly prove that I was half-way decent when it came to sex.

Obviously, natural lubrication was a major deciding factor, as well. I mean, if it was really difficult to actually perform the duty then that must have meant I was doing things wrong.

Right?

Not quite. I’ve learned over the years that sometimes you might need just a little bit of a boost to help things along. It doesn’t say anything one way or the other about whether I’m doing something right or not…it’s simply an assistant to the process.

So thanks to EdenFantasys.com, I can now say that I have found and have embraced the wonderful world of lubrication!

I had no idea just what I was in for when I first tried it. This stuff was like magic!! Sure I had used sex toys occasionally before, but this opened up a whole new world to me. Not only did it help ease the flow of things (literally speaking), but it seemed to increase the sensitivity of certain areas to the point that HOLY CRAP it felt good!

So for those as uninformed as I was just a year or two ago, please let me educate you on what’s available out there.

Oil-based lubricants are what you normally see in adult movies. Y’know, when people are either slathered in baby oil or cooking oil or even Vaseline. The biggest concern with these is that they eat away at latex, so if you’re using a condom then you might as well be using nothing at all. The other big concern is that they’re not really good for the female va-jay-jay.  So while they may be fun for men to masturbate to (umm…at least that’s what I’ve heard), they’re not the greatest when it comes to the female form.

Water-based lubricants have the benefit of being slick without being overly messy, although I can tell you from personal experience that sometimes they can get a bit sticky…thus the need to apply more. The primary reason for this is that because they are water-soluble, the skin will absorb them. As you can imagine, if you don’t have your lube right next to you during a pretty intense sexual session, things can come to a halt pretty quick if the stickiness turns to dryness.  Of course, if you have it standing by, you can end up having some of the most incredible sexual experiences of your life.

Silicone-based lubricants are very similar to water-based lubricants, but the big difference is that they are a lot more slippery and take a much longer time to dry out.  In addition, you can actually use them IN water and they will still work.  This is great in the sense that you don’t need to constantly re-apply, but it also makes the session REALLY messy.  Of course, as with the water-based lubricant, a little soap along with the water and you’re as good as new.

As a man with a little bit of experience, trust me when I say that lubrication isn’t just for those areas that are drier than the Sahara desert; it’s for the sexual beast in all of us. All it takes is a simple visit to an online adult shop and with a few clicks of your mouse, the world will be your oyster!

Simply put, lube is one of the greatest inventions ever made…and nothing says “I love you” more than a sexy gift for the woman in your life as mother’s day approaches.

Sex or the Super Bowl?

I’m really happy to announce that as of this week I’m going to be a regular contributor to Parent Society. And as of yesterday, my first post with them is up and can be found here:

Sex or the Super Bowl?  10 things to consider when choosing between football or sex

Please feel free to click your way over to the site and leave a comment with your own thoughts on the subject!

What I’d like for Christmas…

Y’know, I told Sunshine straight-up not to get me anything this year for Christmas. Financial times are tight and there’s more important things that we could be spending money on than each other. I mean, we’ll be waking up in each other’s arms on Christmas morning…what else could we possibly ask for?

Well…I decided to come up with a few things:

1. A light show like this for my own house!

Okay…that might be asking a little too much. I mean, the lights alone would cost a small fortune…not to mention the computer software required to match it all up with the music.  Oh…and my neighbors may not be overly thrilled about it, either.

Hmmm…what else could Sunshine get me for Christmas?

2. Assistance in becoming a champion!!

Wow…maybe not. While I may be an expert in the field, becoming a “champion” is just REALLY creepy.

Okay, how about…

3. A Lamborghini!!!  Well maybe not a brand new one, but I hear that there could be a deal on this particular model.  No?  That’s fine. I was thinking about getting a new computer monitor anyway. Just don’t send it via FedEx…

Wait…I’ve got it!!

4. A bedazzled toilet brush.

I mean…why not? I could use a bit more color in the bathroom.

But there’s gotta be something else that would be easy to get for me…

5. A penguin that brings me the newspaper every day.

What…too much hassle to train? 

Sigh…

6. Ummm…okay. I’ve found the perfect Christmas gift and it won’t cost you a single penny, Sunshine.  The only problem is it’s a bit awkward to come right out and blog about it.  So without saying anything else, how about I let the song speak for itself:

🙂  Have a great Christmas everybody!!

Didja know…?

I’m no scholar…not by a long shot. But I do enjoy learning new things about the world around me. I guess for today’s post, you can just consider me “Professor CBG”.  Of course, I would like to think my classroom provides topics unlike anything you’d take in university.

I guess you’ll just have to see for yourself…

Didja know…that those big heads found on Easter Island aren’t just heads?  Y’know…those giant heads that appear all over the island?

Well…I’m about to blow your mind.  Seriously.  Why?  Because these heads aren’t just heads…they’re actually ENTIRE BODIES!!  Don’t believe me?  CHECK THIS OUT!!!

That’s right. Mind blown.

Didja know…that 80’s heart-throb singer Glenn Medeiros is now a teacher in Hawaii? Well…at least he was until recently. Now he’s a lounge singer at a hotel in Waikiki. Huh.

Didja know…that I have now found the most amazing sex product to ever be invented by mankind!?! Well…maybe not.  But still, I know for a fact that QT Mama is gonna be all over this like white on rice:

No…this isn’t  some elaborate joke. Actually, it did start out as an April Fool’s joke but we’re Canadians…we love two things: sex and bacon. Okay…three things if you include beer, but that’s probably how you’d end up using this lube in the first place.

I guess sometimes you really CAN have it all.

Didja know…that just because you and your significant other may be under arrest and handcuffed in the back seat of a police car, doesn’t mean you two still can’t enjoy the pleasures of each other’s company.

Seriously?

The deputy noticed the pair moving around in the back of the patrol car. He looked in his rearview mirror and could no longer see Tina Arie. She told the deputy she had her head on Howard Windham’s lap because she was tired.

However, when the deputy pulled over to the side of the road, he could see that despite both parties being handcuffed behind their backs, Windham’s pants were unfastened and Arie was servicing his exposed genitalia.

The deputy ordered them to cease the sexual contact and then continued driving to the jail. There were no additional charges.

 Yep…seriously.

Didja know…that sometimes eating the ashes of your deceased spouse is probably not considered a healthy habit to have?  And here you probably thought you wouldn’t learn anything today.

Didja know…that if you’re going to get marriage advice from somebody, it probably shouldn’t be from Kim Kardashian.

Are the words “whore” and “liar” too strong for her? Probably…but I think her entire marriage was fake and she’s a publicity whore with ZERO talent, so I guess those are the words I’ll use.

Didja know…that Heather Locklear and Jack Wagner have called off their engagement?  Yeah…I know…it’s pretty sad. I know Sunshine will be disappointed. It’s a shame because I was really rooting for those two kids.

Alright…I think that’s all for today. Class dismissed.

Wink Wink Nudge Nudge

It’s been an interesting week…

My dad joined Facebook. Not only did he join Facebook, but he added me as a friend.  Not only did he add me as a friend, but he added Sunshine as a friend, too.  Not only did he do all that, but now he’s making comments on my wall.  I have to admit, I’m not entirely sure if I like this whole situation. I mean…my dad’s 65 and he has NEVER liked the internet so why start now?  Sunshine told me that he’s just lonely and this is just another way for him to cope…and to that end I suppose she’s right. It’s a bit awkward for me, but it’s not like I say or do anything on Facebook that I need to be ashamed of so it’s not really that big of a deal.

So now I’ve got my daughter AND my dad as “friends” on Facebook.

My son played his first “real” soccer game last night.  I say “real” because it was just 20 kids all under six years old kicking the ball (and each other’s shins). Ankle Biter?  He wanted to be the goalie because he just loves falling down and stopping the ball from going past him. On one hand, that’s pretty awesome because the goalie has a fairly important job on the team.  On the other hand, he loves to run and I’m surprised that he’d want a position where he’d have to stand still a lot of the time.

But when the time came and the first shot came his way, he was ready!!

INXS is playing here in two weeks. I’m still hoping it doesn’t sell out and I can find a way to scrounge up some money to get a ticket the day of the show online at a discount. I’ve always been a fan of the band, from the very first time I saw the video for “Original Sin” on a Saturday night video program from some local Bangor, ME television channel. I used to sneak out of bed on Friday and Saturday nights just to watch music videos (Friday Night Videos was on NBC at the time after The Tonight Show), so I grew up on bands with unique music videos that got a lot of play…one of them being INXS. 

And it’s cool to know I was a fan of the band before they really hit it big with “Kick“, which was their biggest selling album.  It was kinda cool to be able to follow a band through limited exposure to decent hit (with “Listen Like Thieves“) to major break-through. And through the years I remained a fan of the band, even after Michael Hutchence passed away.

So now JD Fortune (a fellow Maritimer!) is the lead singer of INXS, back with the band after initially winning the gig on a reality show that I absolutely loved called Rockstar: INXS.  Their first album as a band was awesome and he’s a perfect fit to sing their older songs, so my being a fan of the band has continued.

Okay…enough with THAT history lesson. Needless to say I’m hoping to score a ticket somehow before July 7th.

Sunshine and I are going on a date tomorrow night.  We’re going to a movie that we’ve been looking forward to seeing since we originally saw the red-band trailer for it: Bad Teacher.  She’s a Justin Timberlake fan so I think that helped sway her into wanting to watch this. I could be wrong, but this thing looks hilarious.

I’m down four pounds over the past week…which isn’t too bad, I guess. I’m trying to eat healthier, drink more water, and walk more. The only thing I’m not really doing enough of is walking. It’s been tough lately, especially at work. I used to make myself go for walks three times every day, but lately it’s been so bloody crazy at work that I’m lucky enough to even get up from my seat three times in day much less take breaks.

Even though it’s supposed to rain all weekend, I’m hoping to get some exercise at Sunshine’s. Ahem…yeah…that’s it…”exercise”.

Have a great weekend, everybody!!