It’s been a rough few months. I’m a guy who is constantly trying to better himself, whether it’s physically or emotionally. I’m not content to just fade off into the distance and disappear. Admittedly, there are times when I feel that way, but that’s normally a blend of my depression and ADHD rising to the surface. It’s not who I really am, though.
Being out of work for seven months has taken its toll on me. I’m mentally drained and there are days where I don’t feel like getting out of the house…at all. It’s a constant battle to be positive and happy in the knowing that a good job will come around and I will be where I’m supposed to be.
A couple of weeks ago, Sunshine and I had a heated discussion about how I’ve been giving up on living life to the fullest. The guy that she fell in love with wasn’t the man that I was turning into. I’ve been having issues finding ways to be happy that are long-term and consistent. Instead, I’ve been relying on little things here and there to keep me motivated and happy. When those things fade away, I find myself moping on the couch and not wanting to do anything.
She was absolutely right, too. My motivation to live life to the fullest after being let go from my job last summer lasted for a few months. Just as I was falling into a depression, GoodLife Fitness came along and offered me the chance to join their gym for three months. Motivation was at its peak once more and I was all about changing my life and being as happy as I possibly could.
A couple of “final interview” situations really took the steam out of my sails. I was almost hired for two jobs and when I didn’t get them either time, it felt like a punch in the gut. So when Christmas came around and I couldn’t afford to give the kids (and my wife) all of the things that I wanted to give them, depression began to creep back up.
Christmas ended up being better than I expected, but I was still not myself. And my emotional roller coaster hasn’t been easy to deal with. It’s not that I’m the angry guy like I was a year ago, but one day I’d be perfectly happy and content and motivated to run a half marathon in September (something I still plan on doing), where the next day I’d be depressed and not want to leave the house.
After our “heated discussion”, I made a concerted effort to get out of the house almost every single day. I knew that I could no longer find one specific thing to get me motivated or excited about life…it would be up to me to do that myself. I have to find my inner happiness and live life as best as I can, in spite of whatever obstacles are standing in my way.
I’m trying. It’s not always a winning battle, but I’m trying. Some days are a lot tougher than others.
Will finding a job finally make me happy? Will losing weight and keeping it off finally make me happy? What can I do to make me happy on a consistent basis?