Admitting I’m Losing The Battle

This is gonna be a long one…

As I mentioned in Monday’s blog post, I have been finding difficulty motivating myself to work out on a regular basis. Unfortunately, there is much more to that then just being lazy and sitting on the couch.

A few weeks ago I had an interview with a company that could’ve turned into a great job and a potential career for me. I had a good feeling leaving the interview and, thankfully, they called me in for a second interview that also went extremely well.

I didn’t hear from this company for a couple of weeks after that second interview, so I just assumed that they went in another direction. As a way to confirm, though, I reached out to them and asked for some feedback on the interview. The next day I was called and asked to come in for a third interview. I was told that there was some kind of miscommunication and they were still very interested in speaking with me. I felt really good about this and looked forward to the interview.

Needless to say, things went extremely well. In fact, I was contacted a couple of days later and asked to provide my references for them to contact.

I waited an entire week without hearing anything from them after that. To say I was puzzled and disappointed would be an understatement. They got my references on a Friday, so I waited until two weekends later before reaching out again. On that Monday, 10 days later, I asked them if they were going to make a decision in a particular time frame.

The phone call I received the next day has affected me in a very negative way ever since.

I was told that my references were excellent and that I interviewed extremely well. I was also told that they saw me is a great fit for a better job within their company, but that job was currently unavailable at this time. 

I was then informed that I was not seen as a good fit for the position that they wanted to create. NOT the position that I interviewed for, mind you…but the position that they had yet to create internally. Confused? Me, too.

Let me try to summarize: I was great for the position that the advertised for, but at some point during the hiring process they decided that the position was not what they needed for their organization. Therefore, I was no longer a good fit.

Sigh.

I was told that once they decided what they wanted from this position that they would re-post for it, so if I saw it online I wouldn’t need to apply. They said that if they decided this new position ended up having a career trajectory that lead to that OTHER position that they thought I was a good fit for (but was unavailable), then they would give me a call. 

Have you got all that? Believe me… I’m confused just trying to explain it.

I had myself a “pity party” that day and Sunshine knew that I had to do it. She didn’t fight me on it, but knew that I had to snap out of it the next day and put my “big boy pants” back on. 

I tried. I really, really tried. I told myself that I was okay. I told her that I was okay. But the fact of the matter is that I really wasn’t okay at all.

I fully realize that I did not do anything wrong in the interview process. I fully realize that there was nothing wrong with me, but rather it was the unique situation within this company. The problem, though, is that I still used it as an excuse to revert back to the old CBG and eat food as a way to make myself feel better (even if it was temporary). On more than one morning, I drove my wife to work and the kids to school and then stopped at a Tim Hortons on the way home. As I entered last weekend, for whatever reason, I was still battling a depressive funk in addition to feeling guilty about eating crap during the week. My self-confidence was severely rattled.

Over the weekend, during my visit with Ankle Biter, I ended up eating more junk food then I did over the entire previous week. For whatever reason, I thought that shoving food into my face would make me feel better about still being unemployed. 

As you can imagine, that didn’t end up happening.

As I sit and write this blog post I feel ashamed, disgusted, and horrified at how I have treated my body over the past few week. I need to snap out of this ASAP. I have had multiple issues with self sabotage over my lifetime, but up until this past week I really thought that I was moving in a forward trajectory. Not working for three months is really beginning to affect me in a very negative way. I am not angry or upset or feeling like I am to blame or the universe it out to get me or anything like that. I am just in a funk and I can’t seem to dig my way out of it.

I am really hoping that writing everything down and putting it all out there can get me to change my recent behaviors and habits. I deserve better than this. I lost over 20 pounds on my own during the summer after I was let go from my job. Why in the world, especially now that I have a gym membership to utilize with all the time I could ask for, would I decide to treat my body this way? I am better than this.

I can’t rely on others to motivate me. Sunshine is incredible…but she has her own things going on right now and can’t do for me what I should be doing…what I NEED to be doing…for myself.

So I feel that I am at the point where I’m starting all over again. I need to convince myself that this point in my life is not a bad thing. The universe has given me a great opportunity to grow as a person. This is also a great opportunity for me to find the long-term career that I have been searching for. Finally, this is the universe telling me this is a perfect opportunity to give myself in the best physical condition of my entire life.

I feel like an alcoholic who fell off the bandwagon last week. In that situation, though, what do they do? Do they continue to drink and go right back down that rabbit hole all over again? No…they go back to the meetings and start from Day One all over again.

My Day One was on Monday and I continued things along yesterday. And I will be damned if I let myself fall off the bandwagon again.

Let’s do this!

 

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3 thoughts on “Admitting I’m Losing The Battle

  1. Good for for for recognizing things before it gets worse. I eat junk food when I’m depressed (also when I’m not depressed) and it’s a VERY tough habit to shake. Just saying, you’re definitely not alone there.

    In terms of the potential job, I wouldn’t sweat that because it sounds obvious to an outsider that they have NO IDEA what they’re actually looking for. Generally speaking, they’d have that locked down, like, before they started recruiting…. So imagine if you got the job, what kind of a wishy-washy atmosphere you’d have to face every single day? You seem extremely talented and hard-working and I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before some lucky company recognizes that.

  2. We all have bad days when it comes to eating right. It’s impossible to be perfect. You have recognized and moved on. That’s progress! Two thumbs up from me.

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