I haven’t been around in quite some time because I’ve been processing something. This something was potentially a massive break-through for me and the numerous issues I’ve seemed to have over the last few years. My depression appeared to be under control, but yet there was still something “wrong” with me. Or should I say…something not quite right.
So I went to a psychologist about a month ago. She and I spoke about depression but then we started discussing the symptoms of ADHD, primarily because Sunshine had mentioned that my actions reflected numerous symptoms of the disease.
After two weeks of questions and quizzes, my psychologist took the time to thoroughly go through all of the information. She asked that I bring Sunshine with me to the “reveal” appointment on Tuesday, just because it was important that she understand what was going on with me.
What this means is that I’ve got a chemical imbalance that doesn’t allow my brain to process things the way it should. What it DOESN’T mean is that I’m bouncing off the walls or anything. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is a neurobiological condition that affects your emotions, behavior, and way of learning.
The symptoms that primarily affected me directly were:
- Often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in work or other activities;
- Often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks;
- Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly;
- Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions);
- Often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities;
- Is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli;
- Is often forgetful in daily activities.
Obviously, this has been affecting my ability to work at my job. There are other symptoms that affected me on a personal level, but we’ll dive into those on another day in another post.
At this point, I’m overwhelmed with the diagnosis. Sunshine and my psychologist think I should be excited and happy with finally knowing what is different about me. My problem is that I think back to all of the fuck-ups and mistakes and bad choices I’ve made over the course of my lifetime…choices that should have been done differently.
I realize that I shouldn’t think that way, though. I need to take solace in the realization that I’m NOT the lazy, unmotivated, unskilled loser that I always thought I was. With medication and hard work, my entire outlook on life will change completely…and that’s a massive undertaking that overwhelms me even more.
Believe me…there will be more writing about this over the coming weeks, months, and even years. My entire life has been shifted on its ear, and in a good way.
I just need to take things from here and see where life takes me.