I know I haven’t been around lately. I apologize to anybody who actually cares to read this blog on a semi-regular basis. I’ve been working through some things and talking about them hasn’t been high on my list of priorities.
To recap…I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder back in December. I’ve been taking anti-depressants ever since and have been working to be a better person, inside and out.
So how am I doing? In a word: great.
I honestly feel happier now than I’ve felt in years. And what is making things better is that I feel it’s a genuine happiness; not me simply telling myself I’m happy or me enjoying a couple of days while still suffering through anxiety and sadness underneath a “happiness façade”.
Here’s some honesty for you: I’m at the heaviest I’ve ever been. I weighed-in this morning and just under 240lbs. I mean…wow. But here’s the crazy flip-side of things: I’m not hating myself because of it. For the past few years, my weight has been a constant cause of depression and self-loathing. I look in the mirror now and, while a bit embarrassed at how large I’ve gotten, I don’t hate what I see. I don’t hate the person looking back at me in the mirror.
This has been a VERY long time coming. It was one of those “you can’t heal yourself until you can love yourself” situations. I feel as though I have hit a really positive point in my life, and this self-actualization is quite the eye opener for myself.
The work isn’t done, obviously. Beginning next month, I will be seeing a psycho-therapist to really help me dig into the “why” of my depression. I’m going to try to figure out the origins of my anger management issues and defensiveness, and hopefully find new ways to tackle those issues, too.
With the exception of a pretty bad meltdown on my part one night last week, I’ve been doing great. I feel as though I’ve fallen in love with my wife all over again, and that’s been a spectacular feeling. We’re genuinely smiling and laughing and loving each other again…and I know that my attitude change has had a lot to do with that.
So now what? Well…I’m waiting for the sidewalks to get a little less icy and then I’m going to get out there and start running again. I feel like I want to start the Couch-to-5K app from scratch again because I haven’t done any running all winter. My plan is to run a half-marathon by the fall, so starting off with 5K would be a pretty good start.
Along with that comes the “I need to lose weight” issue again. God…how many times on this blog have I said that? But I feel different now. I’m not hating myself or using food as a self-sabotaging weapon. I’m eating now because I’ve been concentrating on my happiness so food as just become part of that. Once I begin to analyze the issues I’m dealing with, I can stop using food for those purposes.
I won’t do it to “look better” and I won’t do it to impress anybody. I’m just going to do it for myself and my health. I recently saw that a former local news anchor died at age 58 due to the stress he put on his body from shoveling snow out of his driveway. I don’t want to become that type of statistic. I want to be healthy so that Sunshine and I can enjoy our lives well into our “golden years”.
I can’t guarantee that I’ll be blogging on a regular basis going forward, but I want to document and chronicle where this transformation takes me. I’m finally ready for change. I’m ready to embrace it. I’m ready to become the man I always wanted to be; not because of others, but because of myself.