The Performance Review

Dilbert performance reviewI had my first performance review at my job last week. It was based upon the past year (obviously), which happened to be my first year with the company.

Things didn’t go quite the way I had initially hoped they would.

Y’see…because of my issues with depression over the past year, it wasn’t only affecting my marriage. It was affecting my capacity to do the job I was hired to do at the best of my abilities.

Not only was I depressed every day and worried about getting fired, but I was falling into a “mistake black hole”. Basically, I would make a silly little mistake on a document and then another…then another and then I would be making mistakes in almost every document.

I couldn’t concentrate on my work. I would look at a spreadsheet, make changes, and then send it off to my supervisors. They would come back noting mistakes that I had missed. Once I looked again, I would see things that I swore were not there before.

My supervisors would take something and assume it was 100% correct before sending it out to a customer or client. There would be mistakes on the documentation that I should have noted well before sending it off. It made the company look bad, my supervisors look bad, and me look bad.

The performance review started off with me explaining to my immediate supervisor, whom I had a very up-and-down relationship with in 2014, why I had been the person I was last year. I explained the diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder and told her that it completely affected my personality and my ability to fully concentrate on the work at hand. I told her that I didn’t realize this until December, and that I had really tried to change over the past couple of months on my medication.

I’m glad I did this because it made the review much easier to handle. She explained the issues and I completely accepted responsibility for everything. Once the review was over, she even told me that she was happy that it went better than she had expected.

I messed up 2014. My depression affected my life on every single level. If I had gotten this performance review last year, it would have sent me into a darker spiral of depression and self-loathing.

Thankfully, I knew what the review was going to be like before it even began. I realize that the person I was last year wasn’t the person I needed to be and that I’m on a much better path now. I’m going to do my best to use this review as motivation for 2015.

Quite frankly, my company doesn’t know if I can do the job that I was hired to do. I totally understand why they feel that way, though. I’m not upset and I’m not depressed and I’m not anything but motivated at this point.

 I plan on proving their faith in me was not mistaken.

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