So I went for another 2-week follow-up appointment last week. Basically, the doctor wanted to see how my body was reacting to switching back to the old anti-depressants.
I was very happy to report that so far, so good.
In two weeks, I already feel the difference between now and how I felt over the holidays. Sunshine can see it, too. I feel like there’s pep in my step and I feel more engaging with those around me…not wanting to shun myself away from the world.
I asked my doc about starting psycho-therapy. I mean…if my body is doing better, then it makes sense that I start diving into what caused all of this and try to nip it in the bud. He hesitantly agreed and wrote out a note. He handed it to me and pointed out the start date…
I asked him what the reason was and he said that one of the issues I had going into all of this was a lack of concentration in my life. I was having issues keeping focus at work and maintaining my ability to complete required tasks. He said that I need at least three months to ensure that I’ve got my concentration back to where it needs to be before I should worry about diving into my mind.
I don’t necessarily agree with him (and neither does Sunshine). But here’s the thing…I’m not the expert. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and, thus far, my doctor has helped me begin my journey back. If this whole thing needs to be a marathon and not a sprint, then so be it.
We both agreed that the reason for the depression was self-esteem issues. Whether they stemmed from my childhood or were reborn from a depressing experience at my previous job, my lack of faith in myself was spiraling into other areas of my life and causing overall depression. So if I can give myself a solid foundation over the next three months, then I guess I’ll be more than ready to talk to a professional about it.
The big thing is that I truly feel like I’m finally doing this for myself now. It’s not about the marriage or the kids…it’s about me. I finally believe that if I can fix ME, then I can fix the other things in my life and everything else will fall into place.
It’s a pretty good feeling.