I’m not sure why my depression turns to anger. I never really considered myself an angry person, but I’ve always had a bit of a “short temper”. I know that some of the symptoms of depression in men include irritability, sensitivity to criticism, and even road rage.
Gosh…sometimes reading these symptoms is like reading specifically about me.
One of my biggest issues is my sensitivity to criticism. And it’s not because I always think I’m right in any way, it’s a matter of me becoming extremely defensive and lashing out as a way to stop feeling stupid. For me, that’s the thing with criticism…it’s not anger at the person criticizing me, it’s the anger I then turn towards myself for making the mistake in the first place. Because I get mad at myself, I end up getting defensive with the person in front of me.
I do my best to control it, but sometimes (especially when I’m driving) it just comes out. I normally feel better after I throw a tantrum (as Sunshine sometimes calls it), and I can feel “normal” less than five minutes after getting upset…as if nothing had ever happened.
Thankfully, it’s never come out in the form of abusive behaviour. I’ve felt like punching someone at times, but never with my family in any way. No matter how mad I get, I would never lay a finger on any of them. It’s not that type of anger. It’s hard to describe, actually.
Men tend to feel “weak” if they admit self-doubt or despair in any way. This is me in a nutshell. I had a phone conversation with one of my best friends last week and they asked me about what I was going through. It took me awhile to get into the conversation because, let’s face it; it’s a LOT easier to write down words on a computer screen than it is to actually speak to someone about my problems. Hell…even my wife finds out things about me through my blog posts.
It’s tough to talk about, which is why I’m doing it here. My hope is that there is someone out there who may not even know that they’re depressed, but know that people have sensed that they are “off” in some way so maybe they’ll talk to someone about how they’re feeling. My other hope is that I can work through some of these issues by writing about them.
Only time will tell…