An Open Letter To My 100 Year Old Self

Dear CBG.

First off…holy sh*t, dude…how did you manage to make it to 100??

I mean, don’t get me wrong…I’m stoked to know that I’m still alive in another 58 years and all, but we didn’t exactly live the first 30+ years of our lives in the most healthy way. You smoked…you ate anything that wasn’t good for you…you didn’t exercise regularly until you were in your 40’s. How the hell did you do it?

I’m going to assume that at your age, the memory is pretty much shot. I think I’ll do what I can to help re-start those brain cells of yours.

At this stage in your life, you were totally head-over-heels in love with your wife…known affectionately on this blog as Sunshine. You’ve pretty much chronicled your entire relationship with her on this website, from the first date to the proposal to the wedding day. She is the single greatest thing to ever happen to you and I hope you didn’t do anything to mess that up.

If you did…I don’t think we can be friends. Seriously.

But I’m pretty sure you didn’t. Knowing how you feel right now, I just can’t see you doing something to mess up this relationship. I’m hopeful that you two enjoyed an incredible life together, helping to raise two awesome teenage girls, two pre-teen girls, and a little boy. My hope is that they all turned out to be well-adjusted adults who didn’t murder anyone.

If they did…it wasn’t your fault. That really sucks if they did, though. But I’m sure they didn’t. Let’s move on…

My sincere hope is that once the kids were grown and gone, you and Sunshine were able to live the dream you two had of traveling the world together. I also hope the two of you NEVER CHANGED, because believe me when I say that you two are pretty awesome people right now. I wouldn’t want to know that I grew older and then grew crankier or “more mature”. Life is too short to not have fun.

Although in your case, life is really kind of dragging on…isn’t it?

So what have you been doing over the past 50+ years? Were you able to retire at a decent age? Have you kept yourself busy? Did they take your driver’s license away from you?

Dude…how much do you weigh??

I guess I just wanted to apologize for brutalizing your body for the first half of your life. I also want to say “you’re welcome” for starting to live healthier for the second half of your life. I’m pretty sure that change had something to do with you living this long.

You’re not eating out of a tube, are you? Do they even HAVE solid foods in the year 2072??

Okay…I guess I’m done. I mean, what else can I tell you that you don’t already know? You’ve got a helluva good wife, some really awesome kids, and you’ve FINALLY made steps to improve your life…both physically and financially.

I just hope you didn’t mess things up.

Keep kickin’!



Old Man CBG


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