Not sure what’s going on with me. I’m a jumble of nerves and uneasiness lately. I’m also just full of anger, too…and I’m not sure if I can pinpoint a reason why.
The fight that my wife and I had on Sunday escalated again yesterday. My own fault, I admit…I did something stupid yet again. I’m now staring at the wall in my office wondering what I can do to fix things. I can only work on myself, so how can I work on being a better person? How can I deal with these anger issues and why am I grumpy all of the time?
So many questions…
In reality, I should be happy every frickin’ day. I can even list the reasons:
- I’m newly married to the woman of my dreams.
- After many years of messing up, I’ve got pretty decent relationships with my three children.
- Even though I’m not their ideal stepdad, I think I’ve got a fairly decent relationship with my stepdaughters.
- For the first time in my life, I’ve got a solid job with a solid income. It’s the best I’ve ever had, actually.
- I’m out jogging at least three times every week, doing a Couch-to-5K program. I’m all ready to start Week 7 and I’m looking forward to signing-up for my first 5K sometime in June.
- Up until this past weekend, I’ve been doing pretty good in terms of not snacking at night or having dessert after supper. I’ve been eating better and trying to do what’s best for me so I can become a healthier “me”.
There are just so many good things going on with my life. Why, then, can I only seem to focus on the negative?
- I’d rather stick my face into my laptop at the end of the day instead of hanging out with my stepdaughters and talking with them.
- I’m always finding any little reason to get grumpy at something…regardless of how big or small the situation may be.
- I’m upset that my knees and my heart are both giving me a hard time with this exercise thing I’m doing. I mean, if my body doesn’t want to cooperate, then why even bother?
- I’m messing up little things at work. Nothing major, but I’ve always prided myself on being a stickler for details…and yet at this job it’s the careless mistakes that are coming back to bite me on a daily frickin’ basis. Am I simply unable to concentrate or am I just careless?
- I’ve had weeks to prepare music and a speech for my dad’s wedding this weekend. But because I wasn’t named his best man (my little brother was), I’ve just stopping caring at all about the whole thing.
- No matter how I look, whenever I see myself in the mirror I’m disgusted by what looks back at me.
So why am I concentrating so much on the negative when there is so much good in my life?
It seems that I’m just not happy unless I’m UNhappy. I can’t seem to let myself enjoy what’s right in front of me because I’m only content when I’m actually miserable. I’m sure Dr. Freud would have a field day trying to analyse my issues and why, in spite of trying to live a happy live, I’ve got such a quick temper that affects those around me and why I can’t seem to allow myself to be happy. I don’t know what to do about it all.
I’m going to tackle this again tomorrow and see if it’s something I can work through. I almost lost a job once because of my anger management issues a few years ago…I don’t want to lose my marriage because of it.
I need to work this out somehow.