Anger Management – part one

Not sure what’s going on with me. I’m a jumble of nerves and uneasiness lately.  I’m also just full of anger, too…and I’m not sure if I can pinpoint a reason why.

The fight that my wife and I had on Sunday escalated again yesterday. My own fault, I admit…I did something stupid yet again. I’m now staring at the wall in my office wondering what I can do to fix things. I can only work on myself, so how can I work on being a better person? How can I deal with these anger issues and why am I grumpy all of the time?

So many questions…

In reality, I should be happy every frickin’ day. I can even list the reasons:

  • I’m newly married to the woman of my dreams.
  • After many years of messing up, I’ve got pretty decent relationships with my three children.
  • Even though I’m not their ideal stepdad, I think I’ve got a fairly decent relationship with my stepdaughters.
  • For the first time in my life, I’ve got a solid job with a solid income. It’s the best I’ve ever had, actually.
  • I’m out jogging at least three times every week, doing a Couch-to-5K program. I’m all ready to start Week 7 and I’m looking forward to signing-up for my first 5K sometime in June.
  • Up until this past weekend, I’ve been doing pretty good in terms of not snacking at night or having dessert after supper. I’ve been eating better and trying to do what’s best for me so I can become a healthier “me”.

There are just so many good things going on with my life. Why, then, can I only seem to focus on the negative?

  • I’d rather stick my face into my laptop at the end of the day instead of hanging out with my stepdaughters and talking with them.
  • I’m always finding any little reason to get grumpy at something…regardless of how big or small the situation may be.
  • I’m upset that my knees and my heart are both giving me a hard time with this exercise thing I’m doing. I mean, if my body doesn’t want to cooperate, then why even bother?
  • I’m messing up little things at work. Nothing major, but I’ve always prided myself on being a stickler for details…and yet at this job it’s the careless mistakes that are coming back to bite me on a daily frickin’ basis.  Am I simply unable to concentrate or am I just careless?
  • I’ve had weeks to prepare music and a speech for my dad’s wedding this weekend. But because I wasn’t named his best man (my little brother was), I’ve just stopping caring at all about the whole thing.
  • No matter how I look, whenever I see myself in the mirror I’m disgusted by what looks back at me.

So why am I concentrating so much on the negative when there is so much good in my life?

It seems that I’m just not happy unless I’m UNhappy. I can’t seem to let myself enjoy what’s right in front of me because I’m only content when I’m actually miserable. I’m sure Dr. Freud would have a field day trying to analyse my issues and why, in spite of trying to live a happy live, I’ve got such a quick temper that affects those around me and why I can’t seem to allow myself to be happy. I don’t know what to do about it all.

I’m going to tackle this again tomorrow and see if it’s something I can work through. I almost lost a job once because of my anger management issues a few years ago…I don’t want to lose my marriage because of it.

I need to work this out somehow.

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “Anger Management – part one

  1. My sweet friend, I love you so. As I read this, my first thought was meditation. I know, I say that a lot but seriously, it changes lives. Yes, you have plenty of reasons to be happy but you’re missing out on joy. Joy doesn’t depend on circumstances. Joy comes from within. And meditation helps tap into that.

    That doesn’t mean sit with crosssed legs and chant. Meditation could be whatever gives your mind peace. For my man, it’s fishing. For some it’s gardening. For others it’s a daily practice of sitting still with no distractions. GJ has a friend join him on his boat now and then and he enjoys having male bonding time too. I think these things are missing in your life, aren’t they?

    You’re distracted and not at peace. Only you can fix that and it doesn’t come from your situation, no matter how amazing it is.

    xxoo

    P.S. I don’t blame you for being upset about your dad’s wedding. That makes no sense to me either.

    1. Hey T.

      I’m going to try a couple of things, actually. Random Esquire recommended a book that I just ordered on Amazon (http://www.amazon.com/The-Anger-Trap-Yourself-Frustrations/dp/0787968803) and I think I’m going to look into therapy, just because I realize there are issues from my past that are affecting who I am today.

      I don’t know what my meditation is at the moment, but I’m hoping to find peace soon.

      Thanks for commenting, T.

      xo

  2. You sound like me. Or I sound like you.
    I was JUST feeling like that yesterday… and I had to apologize to the people around me because I’m just a hag. I hate it 😦 I’m going to look into that book that RE suggested. I think I need it!!!

    Hang in there. Things will get better. I’m sure of it.

  3. Obviously, I’m not an expert, but I think your anger is manifesting from being so pissed off at your dad. You’re not just hurt, you are down right pissed and because you can’t direct your anger at him, it is coming out at home. AND, it’s got you distracted at work. Even tho it won’t be easy to move on after this weekend, I think things will at least settle down at home because it will be somewhat behind you. Just my opinion.

    As for your knees & your heart, once you start to lose some of the weight, they will feel better. Have you tried Glucosamine/Condrodin (sp?) for your knees. It has helped me quite a bit!

    And, I agree with T. Find your form of meditation. And if I had to guess, I’d guess that that is your laptop. Maybe you should time yourself, even if that means going to the library or someplace else to have laptop time. Agreeing on a time frame or time limit may help you and your family time.

    Hang in there, bud.

    1. I’m sure this wedding has a lot to do with it. I’m not upset about the wedding itself, I’m just harbouring a lot of resentment about how I wasn’t chosen to be my dad’s best man at this point in our lives. I thought we had gotten close enough to warrant that. I mean, he walked my wife down the aisle!

      But he didn’t do it out of spite, so I can’t get mad at him. I guess I’ve been holding that anger inside, though.

      I’m probably on the laptop too much the way it is (lol), but I’m going to find ways to relax going forward.

      Thanks for commenting. It’s really appreciated.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s