I’ve never been a good boyfriend.
How weird does that sound? Me…Canadian Bald Guy…good ol’ CBG…the guy who seems to have the greatest relationship in the world with Sunshine (as documented here over the past five+ years) was never a good boyfriend or husband prior to meeting her; the love of his life.
Why? There are a multitude of reasons, really. Everything from self-confidence issues to immaturity to simply not giving a damn about anyone but myself. You name it; it was probably a reason for a relationship not working out (except for cheating and physical violence…those just aren’t my style).
And here I am, a 42-year old man with a new blended family that makes him very happy…and I’m struggling to not be the crappy husband that I was before. I’m struggling to not fall into the habits that made me a crappy partner all those year ago.
People say marriage is work. I’ll be the first to say that it’s true. It’s a LOT of work. My problem, though, is that I’m lazy. Sure…I use that as an excuse, absolutely…but it’s a fact. I’m lazy in multiple areas of my life and I can admit that. The problem I’m facing right now is that I’m letting that laziness affect my marriage.
I’m not unhappy. In fact, I’m far from it. I’m very happy in my marriage right now. The problem is that I could be happier. WE could be happier. The problem is that Sunshine isn’t as happy as I am, and that’s something I need to fix. We’re only six months into our marriage and last week I reduced my wife to tears because I’m not being the husband I should be. NOT good, kids.
I’m acting like we’ve been married 50 years and I’m simply going through the motions. I’m not attentive enough or displaying my love enough. I’m taking my self-worth issues and turning into a zombie around the house instead of being the upbeat guy I want to be. While I tell her every day that I love her and I tell her repeatedly just how much I would never take advantage of her, my actions (or in this case, my lack thereof) speak louder than my words.
She feels like I don’t want to be around her, which couldn’t be further from the truth. The truth is that I couldn’t see myself living without her…she means that much to me. So while things haven’t been perfect lately, I had no idea just how much my lack of actions were adversely affecting her and our relationship.
I can’t put a finger on what’s going on with me or why I’m just “going through the motions”, but I know that I need to get a grip on things ASAP. We’re newlyweds, for chrissakes…we shouldn’t be having THIS type of problem so early in our marriage.
I already failed at being a good boyfriend. I already failed at being a good husband. I refuse to let that happen again…especially when this person means so much to me.
Some changes are going to happen. I don’t know what they are yet, but I know they need to happen. The last thing I want is to lose out on everything I worked so hard to achieve.