I’ve been going through an internal battle, as of late…and I’m not sure what’s behind it. It’s weird, because on one hand I’m so very happy and thankful for all that’s going on with my life at the moment. Yet on the other hand, I’m constantly trying to find ways to ruin that happiness.
Y’see, I’ve always had a complex within…a part of me who refused to believe that I was allowed to be happy (Sunshine helped me to realize this a couple of years ago). The worst part was that I never even realized that I was sabotaging my own happiness. I would just do things that I’d feel terribly guilty about later on.
Right now, I feel the happiest I’ve ever felt. I’m in love with the woman of my dreams…I’ve made life choices that have put me in a great city with a great extended family…I’m enjoying re-connecting with a teenage daughter that didn’t even know I existed until a few months ago…I’m getting married in a wedding that I can’t wait to have take place. There’s just so much awesomeness in my life that you’d think I’d be crazy to find a way to f*ck it all up.
I’m not, but I am finding ways of sabotaging my happiness.
I’ve been on an eating bender, as of late. I got sick about three or four weeks ago and used that as an excuse to just stop doing all of the healthy things that I had been doing in preparation for the summer, my wedding, and the half marathon that I plan on walking on my birthday. I stopped exercising and I started eating. A LOT.
I haven’t told Sunshine about this, but she knows. She can tell in the way I look (I’ve gained about 10 pounds in the last month alone) and in my lack of enthusiasm when it comes to exercising. It sucks because she’s supporting me in so many awesome ways…I feel like I’m letting myself down AND I’m letting her down, too…especially when I’m sucking down large chocolate frosty shakes from Wendy’s or venti-sized vanilla bean frappacinos from Starbucks in addition to the occasional afternoon chocolate bar at work. I’m just NOT doing myself any favours.
So here I am again…writing down my best intentions to get into shape. It seems like a never-ending story. But I guess that’s the point of trying to write it down and make myself accountable for my actions. I mean, I’m just so damn tired of the self-sabotage. I’m tired of having so much happiness in my life, only to look in the mirror and be devastated by what I see. I’ve gotten back to a point where I look in the mirror and I hate myself. I hate looking at myself. I’m uncomfortable in my own clothes…in my own skin.
I was down 25lbs last year to a low of 213lbs. Not thin by any means, but the lightest I had been since quitting smoking 9+ years ago and gaining 50lbs in the year that followed. Now? I’m back up to 228lbs and feeling like I’m waddling around instead of strutting around, which is what I should be doing with my upcoming nuptials.
So this morning, again, is my umpteenth attempt to lose weight and become a healthier me. My plan is to walk at least 45 minutes every single morning from now to the wedding. On the days that I don’t go outside, I want to do some DDP Yoga because I’ve heard nothing but good things about it and I’ve seen the results. Hey…it certainly can’t hurt to try, can it?
I want to take my shirt off at the beach and not be completely embarrassed. I want to strut down the aisle and stand at the alter with confidence while waiting for my dad to walk Sunshine to me. I want to be able to jog some of the half-marathon so that it doesn’t take me 4 or 5 hours to complete it.
I want to stop preventing myself from fully enjoying the life that I’ve got, because right now I’m living the life that I always wanted.