Self Sabotage: The Struggle Within

I’ve been going through an internal battle, as of late…and I’m not sure what’s behind it.  It’s weird, because on one hand I’m so very happy and thankful for all that’s going on with my life at the moment. Yet on the other hand, I’m constantly trying to find ways to ruin that happiness.

Y’see, I’ve always had a complex within…a part of me who refused to believe that I was allowed to be happy (Sunshine helped me to realize this a couple of years ago). The worst part was that I never even realized that I was sabotaging my own happiness. I would just do things that I’d feel terribly guilty about later on.

Right now, I feel the happiest I’ve ever felt. I’m in love with the woman of my dreams…I’ve made life choices that have put me in a great city with a great extended family…I’m enjoying re-connecting with a teenage daughter that didn’t even know I existed until a few months ago…I’m getting married in a wedding that I can’t wait to have take place. There’s just so much awesomeness in my life that you’d think I’d be crazy to find a way to f*ck it all up.

I’m not, but I am finding ways of sabotaging my happiness.

I’ve been on an eating bender, as of late. I got sick about three or four weeks ago and used that as an excuse to just stop doing all of the healthy things that I had been doing in preparation for the summer, my wedding, and the half marathon that I plan on walking on my birthday. I stopped exercising and I started eating. A LOT.

I haven’t told Sunshine about this, but she knows. She can tell in the way I look (I’ve gained about 10 pounds in the last month alone) and in my lack of enthusiasm when it comes to exercising. It sucks because she’s supporting me in so many awesome ways…I feel like I’m letting myself down AND I’m letting her down, too…especially when I’m sucking down large chocolate frosty shakes from Wendy’s or venti-sized vanilla bean frappacinos from Starbucks in addition to the occasional afternoon chocolate bar at work. I’m just NOT doing myself any favours.

At my heaviest weight of 247lbs. December 2011.
At my heaviest weight of 247lbs. December 2011.

So here I am again…writing down my best intentions to get into shape. It seems like a never-ending story. But I guess that’s the point of trying to write it down and make myself accountable for my actions. I mean, I’m just so damn tired of the self-sabotage. I’m tired of having so much happiness in my life, only to look in the mirror and be devastated by what I see. I’ve gotten back to a point where I look in the mirror and I hate myself. I hate looking at myself. I’m uncomfortable in my own clothes…in my own skin.

This is my at my lightest weight of 212lbs, running "The Race" last summer.
This is my at my lightest weight of 212lbs, running “The Race” last summer.

I was down 25lbs last year to a low of 213lbs. Not thin by any means, but the lightest I had been since quitting smoking 9+ years ago and gaining 50lbs in the year that followed. Now? I’m back up to 228lbs and feeling like I’m waddling around instead of strutting around, which is what I should be doing with my upcoming nuptials.

So this morning, again, is my umpteenth attempt to lose weight and become a healthier me. My plan is to walk at least 45 minutes every single morning from now to the wedding. On the days that I don’t go outside, I want to do some DDP Yoga because I’ve heard nothing but good things about it and I’ve seen the results. Hey…it certainly can’t hurt to try, can it?

Most recent pic of me from a few weeks ago. 228lbs.
Most recent pic of me from a few weeks ago. 228lbs.

I want to take my shirt off at the beach and not be completely embarrassed. I want to strut down the aisle and stand at the alter with confidence while waiting for my dad to walk Sunshine to me. I want to be able to jog some of the half-marathon so that it doesn’t take me 4 or 5 hours to complete it.

I want to stop preventing myself from fully enjoying the life that I’ve got, because right now I’m living the life that I always wanted.

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6 thoughts on “Self Sabotage: The Struggle Within

  1. Sweetie, no matter what, I am always, always, ALWAYS proud of you. I just want you to be happy and healthy and comfortable in your own skin. You keep falling off that horse but the good news is that you keep getting back on again, which is all any of us can ever do. And each time you do, you learn just a little bit more about yourself and the process.

    I have every bit of confidence that you will figure out how to get out of your own way and allow all of the happiness in that I’ve known all along that you deserve.

  2. Awesome blog post. You can definitely do this! Keep envisioning yourself strutting down the isle on your wedding day. Good Luck!!
    (PS. I travel a lot and had you on foursquare for a while as we both cruised through Cobequid Pass a lot 🙂 Then I started following your tweets – I still remember the one when Valentine’s Day landing on “hump day”; made me laugh.)

  3. The thing is, is that no one is perfect! We ALL have set backs and “fall off the horse” (as Sunshine says). You just happen to be really hard on yourself about it! (And in some ways, that’s a good thing.) And you are doing the right thing — picking yourself up — dusting yourself off — moving on and learning from it! Take it one day at a time (one hour if need be). And you know what, I’ll just betcha that Sunshine is gonna love you no matter what! Good luck! You’ve got lots of people pulling for ya!

  4. I completely agree w T – recommitting is more important and HARDER than committing in the first place. as is admitting all of this in public forum. that takes guts, but also proves accountability – no pressure – but seriously, you have DONE this before and killed it, you can totally do it again. use the wedding as your motivation, for sure. stare down that date, and put that game face on!! You got it 🙂

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