There are a million things going on right now and I don’t know how to cope.
The old me would sit in front of the computer with a big bag of chips or a bowl of ice cream or a couple of chocolate bars and find comfort, albeit temporarily.
The new me…the me that I’m trying to be, anyway…is having a very difficult time coping with stress.
There are things going on at work that are very difficult for me to deal with. A lot of light bulbs went off this week and nobody is tougher on me than me, so when mistakes are made and I’m trying to “clean up” a bit afterwards, it’s disheartening and it usually brings out the self-loathing part of me. I’m also swamped with normal work, too…so the stress is a bit more than usual right now.
I also plan on starting something for the blog…an exercise program that was sent to me in order to do a sponsored post or two. With a wedding tentatively scheduled for August, I want to be in the best shape of my adult life because I owe it both to myself and to Sunshine. The problem is that as soon as I opened up the package, I began feeling overwhelmed. I began feeling uncomfortable in my own skin because I thought there was no way I could do this. Take pictures of myself in order to end up with a before/after shot? No thanks. Get up every morning to do just 10 minutes of exercise? Heck no. I’m not good enough to do that…who do I think I am to have actually thought I could? And to work out next to Sunshine? She ran a frickin’ marathon a couple of months ago…who am I to think I could even stay at a slightly similar pace to her? And if I’m not, then aren’t I just wasting my time with the whole idea?
And on a very personal note, something happened to me this week that will change my life forever. It’s totally NOT a bad thing and no, it’s not a baby (lol). But it’s been an extremely stressful week because of that situation. I’m sure I’ll eventually blog about it and I’m not trying to bait people in by being vague…it’s just a very personal issue and it’s something that I’m having an extremely difficult time dealing with and working through, even though it is a very good thing.
I know…it doesn’t make sense, does it? That’s just how I’m feeling right now…like I’m just not making sense. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells yet can’t figure out why I feel that way. I’m jittery and jumpy and I’m doing my best to not take it out on Sunshine, who is her usual incredible self. She doesn’t know what to do, and I feel terrible that I’m putting her in the awkward position of being “on the outside”. I mean, I want to let her in and tell her what’s going on inside of me, but every time I try I can’t figure out just what the hell IS going on inside of me, and that just makes me more and more frustrated with myself.
I’m just not comfortable in my own skin right now and I wish I knew how to fix that. I know what I used to do, but that’s not going to work for me anymore. I just need to figure out what to do next.