Well…it’s over

My mom passed away in February 2011. My dad began dating again in June 2011. My immediate reaction was hurt, but I tried to justify it in my head that I couldn’t imagine what it was like to be in his shoes at 65 years old having just lost his soul mate. His need to overcome loneliness was much more important than my need to justify the situation.

She moved into dad’s house in August 2011. My little brother, a volatile 16 year old at the time, was NOT happy about the situation. Much like myself, he was still trying to come to terms with mom’s passing and was barely able to handle dad dating again. His relationship with dad suffered tremendously. I felt sick to my stomach over the entire situation, but continued to support dad in whatever made him happy.

Dad was engaged by October 2011…only four short months after dating this woman. I realize that love is possible in that short of time…I was head-over-heels in love with Sunshine after four months so I can relate a little bit. My issue is that less than ten months after his wife of 40+ years had passed away, dad was all ready to jump back into a permanent relationship and get married to somebody that he didn’t really know THAT well.

I never did see the connection. I mean, she’s a VERY nice woman (I have absolutely nothing negative to say about her) but I never saw the love that you normally see between two people who are newly engaged or living together. And honestly, I’m surprised they stayed together as long as they did.

This lady was such an incredibly blatant rebound after mom’s death that I’m surprised she didn’t even notice it. She moved in and dad still had pictures around the house of mom. He still had (and has) her ashes in an urn in the living room. He told stories and had memories and every other thing he said, whether he realized it or not, was about mom. Dad would tell me that because she was a widow who lost her husband to illness that they could relate on that level and she understood where he was coming from.

The fact of the matter is that she really cared about dad, but she moved quickly on the hope that dad would change a bit. I laugh at this notion because dad will NEVER change…EVER. He is now 66 and is unwilling to change anything about himself. In fact, he won’t even DISCUSS change because that means he may have to discuss his feelings, which is something else he will not do.

So after a few months of not getting along that great (and a couple of incidents that really turned dad “off” to the whole relationship), dad broke up with her under the thought that it just wasn’t going to work out. He helped her move into a new apartment and get set up with some new furniture (as she had sold a lot of things after moving into the house) and says that they are still “best friends”, but it’s time to move on.

THANK GOD THEY DIDN’T GET MARRIED!!

Sigh.

I was more upset that dad didn’t initially tell me about them breaking up (for almost two weeks!) than I was at them breaking up. What it tells me is that my relationship with dad has suffered a bit since they moved in. I need to change that because, being a guy who will never change, he won’t go out of his way to call me just to say “hi” when he believes I should be calling him (y’know…since I moved away then I should be the one to reach out).

Anyway…dad seems to be okay with the whole situation. Hell, he seems like he’s already prepared to jump back into the dating pool (yikes). I think he might finally be able to be okay with being alone. Maybe he has come to terms with mom’s death and won’t think about her every waking second of the day when he’s not at work. So maybe he won’t jump back into a relationship in a subconscious effort to replace her.

Regardless, I just hope he’s okay.

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5 thoughts on “Well…it’s over

  1. My Mom is just the opposite. My Dad has been gone for 14 years. She’s been dating but as soon as it becomes serious she hits the road. I don’t know what this means, but I wish she would find a compainion, not necessarily a husband, just someone to do things with.

  2. Ya know what? He probably needed this as a step in the right direction. I mean… none of us knows what others need and sometimes it appears that they are making a HUGE mistake. Even when we’re right, it’s not fun to watch. Nevertheless, they had to have that experience to move past something.

    I love how you’re so understanding with your father and have made peace (it seems) with a lot of disconnect from your past. You are a great son – among many other things – big brother, father, husband-to-be…. and more importantly than that, you are learning to be a best friend to yourself. I’m very proud of what I’ve seen over the past years, my friend.

    Looking forward to a big hug on Friday. 🙂

  3. Um, amen to what T said, first of all. This was a huge learning experience for him, and he got it done and out of the way and now can focus on being okay with being alone and not making the same mistake again (going FAR too quickly into something). And all along, you did right by him, and by you. Vocal about how you felt, but not so pushy that it ruined your relationship. It may take a bit of work to get back to ‘good’ with him, perhaps, but nothing that can’t be done with work on both of your parts. And I too can’t wait for Friday!!! 🙂

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