I went through a pretty tough period late last year. I went through a depression that I really wasn’t sure I’d get out of, but with some perseverance and some hard work I did. In fact, the past two months have been two of the greatest months I can remember ever having.
Yesterday, though, was a pretty bad day. Not just a “bad day”, though…but a day where I felt as though I took a major step backwards when it came to my mental state.
It’s a combination of two different things: money and work.
The money issue isn’t anything new. I’ve never been that great with money and I’ve never made much…so that’s a pretty bad combination. Every time I’m about to catch-up on things, things happen and I end up floundering and behind on bills and such. I hate living paycheck-to-paycheck. The only time I haven’t lived like that in the past ten years was when I was living with my ex-wife. In fact, my bills were all caught up when we split…and it’s been an uphill battle ever since.
I’m barely scratching by right now, and that’s tough enough. The thing that set me off was the realization that I wouldn’t be able to do what I wanted to for Sunshine on her birthday in a couple of weeks. She’s already so giving and carries a lot of the financial weight in our long-distance relationship, I just wanted to do something great for her on a special day. As it turns out, it’s not looking like that’s going to happen.
Sunshine, being as amazing as she is, offered to “postpone” the birthday celebration. How amazing is that? Unfortunately, that made me feel even worse about the situation. I mean…how pathetic am I?
Then Sunshine sent me a copy of my resume after it had been looked over (thoroughly) by an HR friend of hers. The only thing her friend didn’t critique on the resume was my name. And I’m all about constructive criticism…I mean, I’m all about self-improvement.
The issue was that I looked at my resume and realized just how pathetic it looked. I’ve been working “meh” jobs over the past ten years or so, and it’s almost embarrassing for an almost 40-year-old to have a resume like that. And here was Sunshine’s friend wanting me to give an idea of what I wanted to do for a career and how much I expected to be paid. Hell…I don’t think I’m worth getting paid what I’m getting paid now, and I’m barely surviving on what I’m paid now.
So now I feel completely inadequate and insecure on a number of levels. I’m not sure what to do…I feel a bit helpless; like I’m in a canoe without a paddle or a direction.
Disappointment and self-confidence issues…thy name is CBG.