A Mental Step Back

I went through a pretty tough period late last year. I went through a depression that I really wasn’t sure I’d get out of, but with some perseverance and some hard work I did. In fact, the past two months have been two of the greatest months I can remember ever having.

Yesterday, though, was a pretty bad day. Not just a “bad day”, though…but a day where I felt as though I took a major step backwards when it came to my mental state.

It’s a combination of two different things: money and work.

The money issue isn’t anything new. I’ve never been that great with money and I’ve never made much…so that’s a pretty bad combination. Every time I’m about to catch-up on things, things happen and I end up floundering and behind on bills and such. I hate living paycheck-to-paycheck. The only time I haven’t lived like that in the past ten years was when I was living with my ex-wife. In fact, my bills were all caught up when we split…and it’s been an uphill battle ever since.

I’m barely scratching by right now, and that’s tough enough. The thing that set me off was the realization that I wouldn’t be able to do what I wanted to for Sunshine on her birthday in a couple of weeks. She’s already so giving and carries a lot of the financial weight in our long-distance relationship, I just wanted to do something great for her on a special day. As it turns out, it’s not looking like that’s going to happen.

Sunshine, being as amazing as she is, offered to “postpone” the birthday celebration. How amazing is that? Unfortunately, that made me feel even worse about the situation. I mean…how pathetic am I?

Then Sunshine sent me a copy of my resume after it had been looked over (thoroughly) by an HR friend of hers. The only thing her friend didn’t critique on the resume was my name. And I’m all about constructive criticism…I mean, I’m all about self-improvement.

The issue was that I looked at my resume and realized just how pathetic it looked. I’ve been working “meh” jobs over the past ten years or so, and it’s almost embarrassing for an almost 40-year-old to have a resume like that. And here was Sunshine’s friend wanting me to give an idea of what I wanted to do for a career and how much I expected to be paid.  Hell…I don’t think I’m worth getting paid what I’m getting paid now, and I’m barely surviving on what I’m paid now.

So now I feel completely inadequate and insecure on a number of levels. I’m not sure what to do…I feel a bit helpless; like I’m in a canoe without a paddle or a direction.

Disappointment and self-confidence issues…thy name is CBG.

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23 thoughts on “A Mental Step Back

  1. ((hugs)) Please don’t let a paycheck or your wage per hour determine your self worth. How we earn a living is just a way to make $$ so we can afford our basic necessities. As far as your resume, I think it’s awesome that someone looked at that for you for FREE!! and hopefully gave you honest and open critiquing (not criticism, because you’ve done nothing wrong, right?) and now all you have to do is map out a new path job-wise. I’m sure today really sucks for you, but only let today suck and start making new plans!!!

    For her birthday….she obviously seems like such an AWESOME person and doesn’t need a lot of $$ to make an awesome day happen with you. You (both) are fortunate to have an understanding person that is with you because of YOU, not your bank account or what you can spend on her/each other. You are far from pathetic. You wanting to make that happen for another is pretty awesome, so now you get to come up with something creative and low cost.

    It truly is the simple things in life that matter the most….I hope your day only gets better!!

    xoxo

  2. Listen…my birthday is just another day. I’m just glad that you will be here to spend the weekend with me. That’s honestly all I need. I don’t mind postponing the “celebration” until it’s a better time to do it.

    As for everything else, I’m hoping that this gives you the kick in the butt that you need to TRULY REALIZE that you DESERVE better than what you have right now. Hopefully re-doing your resume will help you to see that you’re a whole lot better than you give yourself credit for most of the time.

    Good self-esteem is more than just not cutting yourself down on a daily basis and being satisfied with what you see in the mirror in the morning. It’s about KNOWING your own worth and BELIEVING in yourself.

    Believing in yourself….like *I* believe in you.

    1. You SAY that your birthday is another day, but I want to give you so much more than I do. Between Christmas and now your birthday, I feel like you deserve a lot more than I’ve been able to provide.

  3. First, I really hope my post yesterday hit you the wrong way. Incredibly bad timing for me to be posting about a job vs. a career and money not being top priority. If it did, I am sorry! Obviously unintentional and my point about money was that yes, it’s important, yes, it helps, but more money for the sake of ‘just’ that, isn’t worth it for me. Anyway, it just came to mind reading this and hope I didn’t offend or anything.

    I hope you are feeling better today and writing this out, and I am sure you felt an ego bash and self-confidence bash as well with the money and resume stuff hitting at once yesterday, but just know that Sunshine is right, her birthday is just a day, and you really DO need to give yourself more credit. You work damn hard, are a good father, partner and son, and that matters far more than one person’s opinion about your resume (which was probably off base anyway).

    *end novel length comment*

    1. No, Jo…I was having the day I was having long before I read your post, so no worries.

      🙂

      And yes, I am feeling better today. It’s one of the reasons I blog…it can be VERY therapeutic.

  4. In the midst of a pretty bad time this winter..after my seperation, a friend send me a quote from Pinterest that said

    ~ Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.

    When I first read your blog post, I wanted to just chime in and say “it’s ok, this will pass, etc..” But then I thought about it….and thought about what I’ve read on your blog in the past year or so….and I realized that maybe you just needed to be reminded that sometimes (often times) you dance quite well and this year has been an exceptional illustration of this.

    – You have maintained a good relationship with your father in a very difficult year and even reconciled ALOT of hard stuff.
    – You have figured out how to take 2 international trips with the love of your life
    – You have gotten engaged
    – You have spent time with both of your kids
    – You have literally won awards for how entertaining you are
    – You have taken HUGE steps towards becoming more fit and more healthy..all by yourself.
    – You have a ton of supportive people through this medium who have (from what I can see) become REAL friends

    If that’s not dancing…I’m not sure what is.

    There are some challenges…absolutely….but you have danced, so much….that I am SURE that you’ll figure out the right course to chart, when it comes to work, living, money, job, etc…. While those are important things (one must eat and live, after all)…they are only of your life…a part that can be improved because you have everyting that is required to continue dancing.

    1. WOW…what incredible feedback.

      Thank you so very much, Natalie. If I didn’t feel like dancing before, I certainly feel like I’m dancing now. I can’t tell you how much your words have meant to me today.

      So again…thank you.

  5. I’m not just saying this tho…it’s 100% true. CBG has accomplished ALOT this year…I just think he forgets sometimes. I’ll remind you on the blog, Sunshine gets to kick your ass in real life..:*)

    1. Hey, I agree with you completely…sometimes it’s easy to get bogged down with the negative that we don’t step back and look at all the positives. And despite this being a very challenging year, CBG really does have a lot to celebrate. Thanks for pointing it all out. Sometimes it’s good to hear this stuff from people other than me all the time. 😉

        1. Biased even though she knows you better than anyone. I’d say that’s pretty darn past biased and clear through to truth.

  6. Ok, now that I’ve commented on everyone else’s comments…

    CBG, I’m not sure what you do for a living but that doesn’t mean you have to stay in that box. I know for a FACT that you have great talents that could be used! <— (#thatswhatshesaid)

    I do agree that I think you're selling yourself short. What is your dream? What do you see yourself doing all day? Are you factoring in the fact that you'll be sharing expenses with Sunshine after you move? Are you open to trying something completely different?

    I think there are a ton of options that you may or may not be considering. Maybe?

    Think outside the box!! Expand your horizons!

    1. First off, it IS what she said (just ask her!).

      Heh.

      It’s a fear of the unknown, T…and a fear of failure. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’ve failed in so much in my lifetime…I just don’t want to take a step back when I finally feel like I’ve moved forward.

      I’m going to try, though…it just won’t be easy.

      1. Dude, don’t I know it? I have the exact. same. fears. But this is coming from a man who is willing to move to a new city to marry the love of his life. Why not swing for the fences while you’re at it?

        Fear schmear.

        :-*

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