30 Days of Truth – Something You Have To Forgive Yourself For

One of the things I’ve been working on over the past few months is forgiveness. Primarily, forgiving myself for past actions that I’ve held over my own head ever since. I’m trying to do that because I end up beating myself up and making myself feel horrible over things that happened years ago.

The one big thing that I beat myself up over is my relationship with my daughter, Rugrat. Y’see, it was about seven or eight years ago when I was approached by her mom and asked if I would be okay with her moving to Ontario. Her new boyfriend’s family was there and they felt as though they could create a new beginning and a new life for themselves, which would end up benefiting Rugrat.

I agreed.

Looking back, I realize that I was selfish with that decision. I was still in my early 30’s and not really caring about anybody but myself. I was in a relationship with my girlfriend (the now ex-wife) and I thought the responsibilities of being a dad were going to be great when they were “part time”.

What a fool I was.

If I had only known then what I know now, I would absolutely have said “no”. My daughter isn’t living any better of a life in Ontario than she could have lived here. In fact, it’s probably worse. She has no phone or internet and I haven’t even talked to her in over a month.  I only get to see her once a year (if I’m lucky, twice) and while I know she loves me, I don’t have the relationship today with her that I dream of having.

I’ve got nobody to blame but myself.

I look at the relationship I have with my son today and I’m very happy. We’ve got, at this point, the relationship I’ve always wanted with a child. It could be better, obviously, but where his mother and I separated five years ago this life of having a part-time dad is all he’s ever known. The difference now is that I take advantage of every moment I have with my son…never taking him or our relationship for granted.

So while I’m still struggling with that decision, I know that I have to forgive myself for making it. It was in the past and there’s nothing I can do to change it…I can only make the most of the present.

That, however, is easier said than done.

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6 thoughts on “30 Days of Truth – Something You Have To Forgive Yourself For

  1. One of the first things I noticed about you as I started to read your blog is how dedicated of a father you are, and how your goal is to stay close to your kids, distance-wise, as you can. This decision you made previously had to be a difficult one, and while you may still struggle with coping with it, it also sounds like your relationship with Rugrat is stronger than it used to be…and maybe that will help you cope with forgiveness?

    1. I appreciate the kind words, Jo. I just hope as she grows older and more mature that she’ll realize just how much I love her and how much I’ve always loved her, in spite of my mistakes.

  2. Might I make a suggestion as to how you can possiby keep the bond growing between you & your daughter.. Why not write her a letter every week and either mail them (not sure of her age) or save them. Or you could have a journal dedicated solely to/for her.. I know a Father who did this and when him & her finally were reunited, her whole world shifted for the better and their bond is golden..
    Lynne

  3. It’s none of my business, but I would take my next holiday trip to
    her town and province and stay somewhere nearish by.Even if she says
    she isn;t keen for you to,underneath she would be thrilled I have no doubt
    for you to travel all that way even when finances are tight to see and do things with her.
    That is special one on one time you will never ever regret.
    So forgive yourself from past mistakes(trust me, I have made a LOT)
    but these mistakes do not have to carry forward, One can make changes and plans that will grow a bond that may not exist now.Parents and children can grow closer ,it just takes the parent to keep trying over and over and never ever giving up.A parent has to not be selfish and make the choices that will make a difference to their child.Even if she says don’t come,I would book that flight and time off and show up.
    I can tell you are a great dad with your son,and it seems so obvious you
    can be the same with your daughter,I wish a lifetime of getting to know each other for you both,but also taking every precious moment now
    as childhood is so very fleeting.
    One again,none of my business here , just a blog reader !
    Best wishes,

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