Who Am I To Me?

While working through some pretty depressing issues recently, I was asked thru my EAP program a few questions about myself that I was supposed to answer. In order to find out why I act and feel the way I do, it’s important to truly know yourself and who you are as a person.

All along I thought that I could easily identify who I was…that I was an open book and because of my self-awareness, explaining who I was wouldn’t be an issue.  What I found, however, was that I sometimes felt a loss for words. I mean…just what ARE my values? Can they really be defined?

So I decided to tackle the questions posed to me and see what I could come up with. So in an effort to truly better understand myself, here are some questions/answers about…well…myself.

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What brings meaning to your life?

You would think that this would be a pretty easy question for me, but for some reason I found myself tackling it with some doubt…as if what I thought brought meaning to me didn’t actually bring meaning to me.

I think, above all else, my family brings me the most meaning. My son, my daughter, my father, and my amazing blended family of Sunshine and her girls absolutely mean the world to me. My wanting to change and be a better person isn’t only for me…it’s so that I can enjoy a healthy, long, happiness-filled life with the ones that I love.  I want to be a good father, a good son, and a good husband.

As weird as it may sound, writing also seems to give me meaning. I can’t really put a finger on it, but there is joy that I derive from written expression. Whether it be a story about my life, thoughts on random nonsense, or exposing my innermost thoughts for the world to read…I feel a sense of calm and happiness when I write, which is something I never thought about doing while growing up.

Music brings meaning to my life, too. I remember once being asked if I were to lose one of my senses, which one would I NOT want to lose. Of anything, I would never want to lose my hearing. No matter what is going on in my life, music has always been there. It can speak to me when nobody else can. It knows me.  It GETS me.

How do you describe yourself?

I’m just a near-forty year old guy trying to make his way in the world…no more, no less.  I’m a happy man with a lot of deep-down anger management issues. I’m kind-hearted but crude.  I’m confident with big-time self-confidence issues. I feel as though I know who I am, but that person actually contains two different personalities.  I used to think that my crudeness and anger issues were just a way to mask the pain I was really feeling inside, but now I think I’m able to embrace who I am…both the good and the bad.

What brings joy to your life?

This is almost a similar question to the one about “meaning”.  But where those items bring meaning AND joy to me, there are other things that just bring joy.

  • Saturday morning walks through the Halifax Seaport Farmer’s Market with Sunshine.
  • A random hug given to me by my son for no reason.
  • The laughter of my children.
  • Going new places and experiencing new things with Sunshine.
  • A really good meal.

I’m sure there are more things that give me joy, but these are the ones that first popped into my head. I’m not even sure if I’m looking into this question the right way, either…but those are my answers.

What have you not done in a long time that you enjoy?

Wow…this one is a little tough. 

While never an athlete, I used to go skiing all the time in high school. I owned my own skis and poles and boots and would go at least once a week in the wintertime during my senior year. I was never a great skier, but I used to love the thrill of gliding down a snowy hill.

I haven’t gone skiing since 1990.

What are your values and beliefs?

I think I may have to think a little more on this one. I’ve never really wondered about my own values and beliefs before…and I don’t think it’s something I can just throw out there off the top of my head. It’ll probably end up being a post all unto itself.

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We tend to segment life by periods, events and experiences. By doing regular life reviews, it apparently can provide more continuity and a feeling of confidence in oneself. As I continue to look at myself, I hope I can gain the confidence in me that I’ve never, ever had before.

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8 thoughts on “Who Am I To Me?

  1. I’m proud of you. I hope I tell you that enough. I know that all of this self-reflection and work isn’t easy…so the very fact that you’re tackling it says a lot about you.

    I’m excited to get to know this “new CBG” – one who loves and respects himself. I think that a lot of doors are going to be opened to you because of this. I’m smiling like crazy just thinking about it.

  2. I agree, it is really hard to self-reflect, and then to document it all semi-publicly too. I have to say something about the self-confidence issues…do you think you have *as* bad self-confidence as you perhaps did in years past, when you maybe didn’t have as good a support system in your partner as you do now? I ask because I know for me, when I was feeling really lacking in confidence, the fact that I kept SAYING how unconfident I was, was my self-fulfilling prophecy. The more I said it, the more I believed it, yet, when I really looked at myself and worked on the confidence issues (as you are too), I wasn’t really that unconfident anymore, I was just making myself thing I was just by saying it often. Just a thought and maybe I’m way off, but I thought I’d bring it up 🙂 (for the record, I have no idea how I’d answer these Q’s either! A good exercise to go through!).

    1. That’s a good question, Jobo. I’d almost argue that my self-confidence today may actually be worse than it was ten to fifteen years ago. When I’m with Sunshine, sometimes even she can’t help me see me…but I’m definitely a work in progress.

  3. This is really tough. I have been there … it’s not always easy but sometimes just stopping to THINK about these questions can help you resolve some of the other issues, too..and move you toward finding even more happiness — prioritizing your life in a way that offers you the biggest rewards!

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