As I mentioned last week, I recently reached out to my employer’s assistance program in order to combat what may or may not be a clinical depression.
I had written my thoughts/concerns/fears/causes down in a lengthy email and sent it off. I received a reply yesterday morning that was detailed and full of encouragement and hope. Taking the time to respond properly, though, took a bit out of me last night.
It was strange…I was in a space I don’t think I had been before. I wasn’t sad, but felt completely drained when my email was completed. I had answered all of his questions and began to analyze myself…trying to figure out “what’s wrong”. I don’t know if it’s just one thing that is extending into everything else or if it’s just everything else that’s hitting me all at once.
I listened to music and became emotional, which is extremely odd for me. I mean, music normally elicits a response because of my love it…but I don’t remember the last time a song brought tears to my eyes, especially if it was a song that I had heard a thousand times before. I watched a live performance of the song on YouTube and was so moved I had to just stop listening to music for a few minutes. I felt as though the song was speaking to me…that it was telling me I wasn’t alone and that there was hope to be found.
Some may view this and wonder just what in the hell is wrong with me. Others may “get it”. Either way, this was the performance that “did me in” (to the point that I may want to buy this concert dvd)…
The EAP assistance provided isn’t long-term, so there’s a lot that will need to be done in a short period of time. It’ll rely on me discussing the passing of my mother, the extremely fast courtship of my dad and his new fiance, my long-distance relationship, the relationships I currently have with my children, my self-destructive tendencies, and my self-loathing/self-esteem issues.
That’s a lot of stuff to analyze…believe me.
But I’m committed to trying. I mean, I don’t want this depression that I’m in to begin over-taking my life. It’s been doing that for over a year now and it’s time to stop. I’ve completed the first step and I’m ready to take more.
I’m willing to do whatever it takes in order to get wherever it is that I need to be.