Seeking Clarity

As a lot of you know, it’s been a pretty rough year for me. I haven’t been myself since my mom got sick again just over a year ago. When she passed away in February, I thought I would be able to slowly get back to myself.

What I have found, however, is that I put on a good show for the people at work. I put on a show for my family. I sometimes put on a show for friends on Facebook and Twitter. I even put on a show sometimes for my blog readers.  But at the heart of it all, something’s just not right.

Sunshine has known it for months. I’m still loving and happy when we’re together (I feel “whole” when we’re together), but there are still times when she sees me act in a certain way and just doesn’t know what to do.

I don’t know if this is entirely tied to my mother’s passing, but it seems like every little negative thing in my life ends up being exponentially more negative. Things that I have control over…things that I don’t have control over…things that are work related or family related…things that may be a big deal or a very small deal…they all seem to resonate within my mind and stay with me longer than they should. They also affect me adversely, as though I have no control over my feelings.

I did a bit of research yesterday and came to a conclusion that may or may not be accurate. I don’t know if what I think is going on really is the case, because I never really thought about it before.

Depression.

I’ve always thought that being depressed was simply a “mind over matter” situation.  I mean, if I’m smiling and having fun with people then how in the world can I be depressed? 

The fact of the matter is that I’ve been showing more and more symptoms of clinical depression over the past couple of months, especially within the last few weeks. That scares me because it not only affects me, but those around me.

So I’ve decided to get help and find clarity by contacting my Employee Assistance Progam (EAP) through work, which is an awesome benefit of my job. I’ve explained to them what is going on inside my head. I’ve sent them details on things that may or may not be the cause of my feelings. I’ll let them decide what the situation is and we’ll take things from there.

For whatever reason, at this point everything looks foggy and blurry in my life…as if I’m just living in a haze from day to day.  I want to seek some clarity and try to see things for what they really are.

I want to love life again.

I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

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8 thoughts on “Seeking Clarity

  1. It’s been almost 5 years since I reached out to our EAP program for the same issue. I was put in touch with a fantastic therapist who really helped me get my head back on straight. Yes, I still take the ‘happy pill’ every night, but my dosage has been lowered, and I don’t see my therapist as often as I used to. I have learned how to manage my issues w/depression. And I have learned what triggers it.

    It’s not easy. I’m not going to lie, but reaching out is the best thing you could have done. I’m very proud of you for doing that. That’s the hardest part, that first step.

    Best of luck on your journey, on the other side, awaits the person you want to be. Trust me, I found myself again. Just took time.

  2. Good for you for being able to recognize that; most people can’t. I’m not ashamed to admit I did something similar several years ago. My reasoning was: it doesn’t cost me anything and it certainly can’t hurt. Was it hugely helpful to me? No. But there was definitely some benefit to it.

  3. You know all about my own struggles with depression so you know that I’ve got a pretty good idea how you’re feeling right now. But if I can work past it…then I know that you can, too. You, sir, in my humble opinion, can do absolutely anything that you want to do, as long as you make the conscious decision.

    Whether or not this ends up being the thing that helps you through this isn’t the point (in my opinion). The point is that you’re recognizing and accepting that something isn’t right, and you’re taking steps to do something about it. And I really admire you for that, because it takes a lot of guts.

  4. If I had to guess, I’ll bet you already feel somewhat better just making the decision to get help. You two know, I’m here if ya need me.

  5. This is a huge step, and I’m sure it took a lot to actually get to that point to get some assistance and see if it really is clinical depression. As Sunshine said, you can get through this, you are a strong man, a fighter. Fight this just the same.

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