As a lot of you know, it’s been a pretty rough year for me. I haven’t been myself since my mom got sick again just over a year ago. When she passed away in February, I thought I would be able to slowly get back to myself.
What I have found, however, is that I put on a good show for the people at work. I put on a show for my family. I sometimes put on a show for friends on Facebook and Twitter. I even put on a show sometimes for my blog readers. But at the heart of it all, something’s just not right.
Sunshine has known it for months. I’m still loving and happy when we’re together (I feel “whole” when we’re together), but there are still times when she sees me act in a certain way and just doesn’t know what to do.
I don’t know if this is entirely tied to my mother’s passing, but it seems like every little negative thing in my life ends up being exponentially more negative. Things that I have control over…things that I don’t have control over…things that are work related or family related…things that may be a big deal or a very small deal…they all seem to resonate within my mind and stay with me longer than they should. They also affect me adversely, as though I have no control over my feelings.
I did a bit of research yesterday and came to a conclusion that may or may not be accurate. I don’t know if what I think is going on really is the case, because I never really thought about it before.
I’ve always thought that being depressed was simply a “mind over matter” situation. I mean, if I’m smiling and having fun with people then how in the world can I be depressed?
The fact of the matter is that I’ve been showing more and more symptoms of clinical depression over the past couple of months, especially within the last few weeks. That scares me because it not only affects me, but those around me.
So I’ve decided to get help and find clarity by contacting my Employee Assistance Progam (EAP) through work, which is an awesome benefit of my job. I’ve explained to them what is going on inside my head. I’ve sent them details on things that may or may not be the cause of my feelings. I’ll let them decide what the situation is and we’ll take things from there.
For whatever reason, at this point everything looks foggy and blurry in my life…as if I’m just living in a haze from day to day. I want to seek some clarity and try to see things for what they really are.
I want to love life again.
I don’t want to feel this way anymore.