Happy birthday, mom. RIP.

Tomorrow would have been my mother’s birthday.

I’ve been trying to not think about it all week, but it’s been kinda forced upon me. My mind simply won’t let it go…and that’s probably a good thing.

I went into a bit of a funk after mom died and it’s been a bit of a battle to get back to a place where I feel like I can be myself again. It’s been a battle because as soon as I felt a bit better about the situation, my father went and started dating somebody. Less than two months later, she moved into the house with him.

She’s a nice lady and all, but whenever I’m with them I just don’t see the connection. I just do not see what dad sees…but that’s okay. She makes him happy and she’s helping him move on with his life, so I’m absolutely happy for him.  And this is not just me saying the words, I’m actually feeling that way.  I’m becoming more comfortable with the entire situation.

At least I was until this week.

I’m going to stop by mom’s gravesite tomorrow on the way to Sunshine’s and lay a flower by her headstone. I don’t know how else to honor her memory as this is something totally new and unusual for me.

I’m still not over her death. And just when I think I am, something else comes up to remind me that she’s no longer here. I want to be able to move on like dad has, but it just doesn’t feel right to me. I’m certainly not holding it against him or anything because we all grieve differently and maybe I’m holding onto these feelings longer than I should.

I don’t know. All I know is that I’m very grateful that I’ll be able to spend the day with Sunshine. She’s always my backbone and the one who I rely on to help me through difficult times.

So mom, just know that I love you and I’m still thinking about you all the time. I miss you and will always do whatever I can to honor your memory.

Happy birthday, mom.

xo

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13 thoughts on “Happy birthday, mom. RIP.

  1. Sympathy to you and all your family and your
    mom’s friends.I do not know you and your family
    so feel free to ignore my psychobabble below
    based on some tragic circumstances in my life…

    I highly doubt your dad has moved on.More likely
    he is masking his grief by clinging on to
    the first person he could find.Perhaps facing his
    grief head on was just too terrifying for him and
    instead it’s buried deep inside, unwilling to
    to deal with the incredible pain of his grief.

    I feel sad for him too.It will be much harder for him
    in future years by not trying to face it now, but
    not everyone is ready to face the pain of losing their life’s partner.
    Some people hide it inside forver.Grief is the hardest thing ever and I wish you well in your tough journey.

  2. My thoughts are with you. Birthdays, Holidays special times, are hard to get through in the first year. Remember too, you only get one mother, one father in life. So the loss is especially hard when we lose one. My father’s birthday just went past. I miss him so much! It gets easier, just grieve in a healthy way…
    I live far from my father’s grave, so on special occasions I have a glass of rye and ginger, his fave. (one glass, not 10!). My first husband loved being the centre of attantion, and admitted to it when he chose to have his ashes spread at his favorite place, burried near his grandmother, AND in an urn in our home. I talk to him in silence, which is opposite to how we lived our life together. I like it this way. You will find your special moments that bring you closer to yourself, through your mother. Remember the good times, and fondly reflect…cry loud, it clears the air.
    hugs, have birthday cake.

    1. I ended up going to mom’s gravesite and having a little chat with her. It was a LOT harder than I thought it was going to be, but I talked and told her about the family and how we were all doing.

      I’m not an overly religious person by any means, but I really felt as though she could hear me…so I think it was good for me to do.

  3. She is your MOTHER so of course you’re going to mourn differently than your dad. My dad passed away 4 years ago this past week but he donated his body to science. I was proud of him for that but I do feel sad sometimes that I can’t go somewhere to honor him. I just have to remember that he’s everywhere.

    I pray for a happy weekend for you.

  4. Happy birthday to your mom…I agree with T that of course you are going to mourn differently than anyone, even your own father. She is a bright light in your soul now, and I hope that carries you through a tough day. Hope you have a good weekend with Sunshine.

    1. I feel like she’s with me more now than she was when she was alive. I know that’s all about me and what I’m going through, but she’s with me through thick and thin now…and it’s a good feeling.

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