I’m not sure exactly what’s wrong with me lately. I feel like I was doing so well with how I was living my life that I’m surprised at how I’ve been slipping as of late.

For example, I haven’t talked to Rugrat much since she went back home. We’ve exchanged a couple of emails, but that’s about it. Our relationship appears to be back to how it was before her trip…which wasn’t that great. It could very well be that I’m still a bit hurt that she didn’t call on my birthday. I told her before she left that all I wanted on my birthday was a phone call. Heck…Sunshine even told me that she even sent Rugrat a message on Facebook reminding her.  Instead, I got an email wishing me  a happy belated birthday. It shouldn’t bother me but it does.

In addition, I haven’t talked to dad hardly at all over the past few weeks. He doesn’t seem to have much free time lately as he’s got his live-in girlfriend with him at all times. Maybe I’m being petty and jealous, but talking to him every couple of days really made me feel good about our relationship. Mom’s passing brought us really close together.  Now? I don’t know if the relationship is any worse, but I know that we’re not nearly as close as we were two months ago.

I haven’t been taking care of myself, either.  I haven’t been eating properly, sleeping properly, or living life the way I should be…healthy and happy.  My walks have stopped and my junk food intake is well above what it was even two weeks ago.

I’m not sure what, exactly, is going on. It’s like I’m in a “funk” of sorts when it comes to myself…just letting things go as if I was depressed about something.  Yet, I don’t know if I feel depressed.  At least nothing seems to jump out at me. 

And what makes things really weird is that there are some REALLY great things going on in my life.

I started a fantastic new side project with Sunshine. I don’t know if she wants me to mention it in the blog, but it’s been a blast creating this with her. Just thinking about it brings a smile to my face.

I’ve also been having a great time with Ankle Biter lately. He’s at a perfect age right now and we’ve really been bonding as a strong father/son unit.

So what seems to be the problem with me? Why do I constantly find the need to not care about myself? Why is it that whenever I reach a point where I’m beginning to feel truly happy, that I decide it’s “good enough” and then slip back to where I was previously?  It’s as if I’m never truly happy unless I’m UNhappy…and that really sucks.

I don’t want to slip any further. I don’t want to let this side of me rule my life. I don’t want to have to constantly battle for happiness within myself.

I just wish I knew how to convince myself that I’m allowed to have goodness in my life; that I’m allowed to be happy.

I’m a work in progress.  The problem is that I just don’t know where to start the repairs.


7 thoughts on “Slipping

  1. Don’t beat yourself up about it, we all fall down the rabbit hole sometimes. Just start by making one ‘good’ decision today. Then another….and, when you are ready, another. It’ll come together again.

    Good luck…think about each day as a chance to start making those decisions again and you’ll get back to where you need to be.

  2. Yes, I was going to say that it’s an “allowing” or “worthiness” that you’re blocking.

    We all do it, CBG. The problem is when you know it’s happening and you do nothing about it. Sure, your feelings are hurt when it comes to your daughter and father and who could blame you there?!? I’ve been feeling much the same with members of my family and it’s putting me in a semi-funk too.

    This is when you say, “Screw ’em!” with love, of course. 🙂 You take care of you because you want those who DO reach out and those that DO want to spend quality time with you to see a happy & healthy person. Look for the good around you and remove focus from the things that hurt. Maybe even write a letter to each of them venting your feelings… but without sending. Those vent letters really help me.

    Thinking of you!


  3. Hear ya, loud and clear. Sometimes you just have to push forward and break out of the funk, as hard as it can be. You’re a role model for your son, so remember he watches everything you do. Teach him how to take care of himself by starting with yourself. BTW, consider yourself lucky- you have access to some of the best junk food on the planet. I would kill to be back home in NB just to eat some McCain’s cake!

  4. Start with your health; eat better, sleep better, exercise more and you will notice a difference in your outlook. After a physical checkup with my doctor to ensure I had no serious problems, here is what I did when I was in your situation:

    Eat better: no more empty calorie junk food, only eat food you cook yourself from scratch (no processed foods); cook in batches, freeze portions for during the week; no eating after supper; this worked for me, I can’t remember the last time I ate a Big Mac or similar junk food; read “Fast Food Nation” or watch “Supersize Me” if you need more incentive

    Sleep better: configured my wifi to shutoff at a certain time at night (11pm), went to sleep at a regular time; sold my bedroom tv

    Exercise more: everyday wasn’t realistic for me so I went with twice during the week and once on the weekend, that gave me flexibility to juggle my schedule and set myself up to succeed; I’ve stuck with it for over two years now

  5. Sometimes I slip at some of these things when I don’t have the answer or sometimes quite frankly, when, as T said, you need to take care of you and also do the vent letter. I find those help me too. And lastly, don’t beat yourself up! It happens to all of us.

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