I’m not sure exactly what’s wrong with me lately. I feel like I was doing so well with how I was living my life that I’m surprised at how I’ve been slipping as of late.
For example, I haven’t talked to Rugrat much since she went back home. We’ve exchanged a couple of emails, but that’s about it. Our relationship appears to be back to how it was before her trip…which wasn’t that great. It could very well be that I’m still a bit hurt that she didn’t call on my birthday. I told her before she left that all I wanted on my birthday was a phone call. Heck…Sunshine even told me that she even sent Rugrat a message on Facebook reminding her. Instead, I got an email wishing me a happy belated birthday. It shouldn’t bother me but it does.
In addition, I haven’t talked to dad hardly at all over the past few weeks. He doesn’t seem to have much free time lately as he’s got his live-in girlfriend with him at all times. Maybe I’m being petty and jealous, but talking to him every couple of days really made me feel good about our relationship. Mom’s passing brought us really close together. Now? I don’t know if the relationship is any worse, but I know that we’re not nearly as close as we were two months ago.
I haven’t been taking care of myself, either. I haven’t been eating properly, sleeping properly, or living life the way I should be…healthy and happy. My walks have stopped and my junk food intake is well above what it was even two weeks ago.
I’m not sure what, exactly, is going on. It’s like I’m in a “funk” of sorts when it comes to myself…just letting things go as if I was depressed about something. Yet, I don’t know if I feel depressed. At least nothing seems to jump out at me.
And what makes things really weird is that there are some REALLY great things going on in my life.
I started a fantastic new side project with Sunshine. I don’t know if she wants me to mention it in the blog, but it’s been a blast creating this with her. Just thinking about it brings a smile to my face.
I’ve also been having a great time with Ankle Biter lately. He’s at a perfect age right now and we’ve really been bonding as a strong father/son unit.
So what seems to be the problem with me? Why do I constantly find the need to not care about myself? Why is it that whenever I reach a point where I’m beginning to feel truly happy, that I decide it’s “good enough” and then slip back to where I was previously? It’s as if I’m never truly happy unless I’m UNhappy…and that really sucks.
I don’t want to slip any further. I don’t want to let this side of me rule my life. I don’t want to have to constantly battle for happiness within myself.
I just wish I knew how to convince myself that I’m allowed to have goodness in my life; that I’m allowed to be happy.
I’m a work in progress. The problem is that I just don’t know where to start the repairs.