Why I’m Not Divorced Yet

This conversation came up yesterday with Sunshine and was kind of left unfinished, mainly because I needed to sit back and think about a few things.

I’ve now been separated for twice as long as I was married…over four years now. The Ex and I get along as decent friends who happen to share an amazing child together. Because she doesn’t have a man in her life other than our son, she’s never been in a rush to get a divorce and doesn’t seem to feel the need to force the issue.

But what’s MY excuse?

I sent in divorce papers once already, but some of the items were not filled out correctly and the entire thing ended up getting sent back to me. Since that time, though, I have taken my sweet time to finish filling the documents out properly and get The Ex to do the same.

Now the documents are almost ready to go again, yet it’s Sunshine asking me the status of things instead of me being all over it. So the question really is why.

There are multiple reasons…

  • Fear – I was always of the belief that marriage was supposed to be til death do us part. My parents lasted 43 years before mom passed back in February…that’s a big deal. So knowing my first marriage only lasted two years is a little embarrassing, if I can be honest. I felt like a complete failure with my friends (who told me as much) and with my parents (who were terribly disappointed). It’s a scary thing to want to jump back into those waters. Things are going so amazing with Sunshine right now…what if something changed? My marriage was over almost months after it started.  I just don’t want that to happen again.
  • Time – Up until now, both Sunshine and I were separated but not officially divorced. I just didn’t feel the “pressure” (for lack of a better word) to get my own divorce finalized…there wasn’t any time crunch. Well, her divorce will probably be finalized within the next few weeks and I’m still waiting around lackadaisically.
  • Procrastination – I’m a procrastinator by nature…it’s absolutely one of my lessor personality traits. I know that I need to get off my ass and get this done, but I just haven’t yet.
  • Importance – Sunshine asked me yesterday if getting a divorce was a “priority” for me. Because of the above reasons and because I had also gone through a pretty wild first half of the year, it hadn’t really been. When I sat down last night and thought about why it wasn’t a priority, I couldn’t really come up with a valid reason.  It just hasn’t ranked above other items in my life recently.

I want to marry Sunshine, I really do.  In fact, I was having that very discussion with a co-worker yesterday morning before getting Sunshine’s email asking about the status of my divorce.

The big question I have is would Sunshine want to have a long-distance marriage?  I mean, I know others do it and while odd it’s not completely uncommon…but is that something that she would be okay with?  I think she would be (or at least I hope she would be). Being married would also confirm that the distance is just a barrier to us eventually living under the same roof together and wouldn’t be considered an obstacle to the relationship itself.

I think I have been telling myself that because we don’t live in the same city that marriage isn’t important. The problem with the mindset, though, is that I’m not being fair to Sunshine’s feelings or to our relationship.

I told my co-worker yesterday that we’ve been together for two and a half years and while we’ve discussed marriage, I haven’t popped the question nor have I finalized my divorce.

“Two and a half years?? What the heck are you waiting for??”

That’s the question I was asked. After a lot of thought my answer today is simply, “I’m not going to wait anymore.”

Changes are coming soon. First step: get this damn divorce finalized and out of the way. I’ve got my new life to prepare for!!


9 thoughts on “Why I’m Not Divorced Yet

  1. I’ve wondered this same thing since I read your blog & Sunshine’s blog. I can definitely understand the gravity of the divorce papers. Once you see legal documents, it really hits home. I don’t think you should see divorce as a failure, though, and I wouldn’t ever tell any of my friends that they were if they got divorced. The relationship with you and your ex didn’t work out but not finalizing it isn’t going to change that. It’s actually good that you’re taking it all so seriously–as long as you get it done! I think it was Humphrey Bogart who said that divorce should be made easy, but marriage difficult.

  2. I think you will file those papers when you’re ready to and not before. Question is do you really want to get married? Coz if you did then all these thoughts wouldnt be coming to mind.

  3. Oh I love this. Changes. Moving forward. Making your move. Big grin on my face. As for the divorce feet-dragging and feeling embarrassed that your marriage only lasted two years. Mine did too, and yeah, it does suck, it does feel a little like failure at first, but I really hope you don’t think of it that way anymore because to have found love with Sunshine and have made such a strong foundation, LEARNING from that two-year marriage and applying all the right things to your relationship now means that your divorce was actually a success. Because it made you a better partner. My two cents. 🙂

  4. Some folks don’t think marriage is a huge deal, and maybe they are right. When taken seriously: from the vows, to the inclusion of the witnesses in maintianing loving committments – keeping you on course, to the reminder of the exchange of rings (or tattooos, or art, or necklases) that you are a couple, marriage can be about the other knowing WITHOUT A DOUBT that they are loved. Scenarios like “don’t sweat the small stuff” really encompass that I-love-you-regardless feeling. Good for you for acknowledging all those feelings! You aren’t alone! You will get there! It will get done. Life is beautiful!

  5. Ok, you’re afraid to get divorced because you’re ashamed your marriage lasted only 2 years and yet… you’ve been with Sunshine for 2 1/2 years and counting!! Doesn’t that say something?

    Well, I completely understand the weirdness of filing for divorce but since you’ve been apart for so long, I guess I’m still sort of confused at the fear part. Does staying married/not filing ease the “feeling like a failure” part?

    There are lots of questions that only you and Sunshine can answer here. You’ll file when you’re good and ready. I just wanted to poke some holes (that’s what HE said) in your argument.

    Much love to you!

  6. You know, it’s funny how we all (You, me, Sunshine, T, RE, Min, etc) approach things.

    For me, I couldn’t get those papers filed fast enough because I felt like I was cheating if I was still legally married to him and out dating others. I really remember waiting till I got the OFFICIAL “you’re divorced” decree before even thinking about heading out to find a man. It was how my brain worked.

    As for your shame, dude! I can’t believe you’re saying that. The marriage didn’t work, for whatever reason but T made an excellent point here. Your relationship to Sunshine has already lasted longer and has more meaning (for you) than your marriage did. I’m sorry, CaNook, you know I love me some you but dude. Get off your ass. Stop making the excuses, cuz at this point? It’s all they’ve become – excuses. (I’m hugging you to take the sting of my words away, sweets.)

    Remember, for chicks, actions speak louder than words.

    Much love,

    -Your QT

  7. Get the divorce done because it is one tangible step in the direction you want your life to take. After it is done, figure out another road block and try to solve it (i.e., have you spoken/written-a-letter to your ex to see if she would entertain a move closer to Sunshine’s city? any fitness goals? any health concerns? any financial concerns? whatever).

  8. As a Financial Divorce Specialist I can say that I have been through many divorces, thankfully only one was my own. With my clients I try not to speed the process but rather, wait for the clients to let me know when they are ready for the next step. Typically, neither are ready at the same time so we wait until they both are ready. There could be numerous reasons why but I don’t think the why is so important. Maybe the overwhelming emotional post-divorce months of your life are finally over and you simply wanted a reprieve from that time in your life so instead of pursuing the necessary paperwork you just let ride…so you could give yourself a break from thinking about it for awhile????? and give yourself the space to enjoy your Sunshine…..

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