The past few months have taken a lot out of me. At the end of last week I felt like I had been in a 12-round boxing match where my opponent wasn’t trying to knock me out, but rather just trying to toy with me and pummel me for all 12 rounds. But after this past weekend, I feel energized and ready to move on in a way I haven’t felt since Christmas.
I feel like I’m finally ready to move on with my life. I feel like I want to get my life back…and I haven’t felt like this in awhile. I don’t know if I can fully explain the “why” behind it all, but last Thursday’s nasty email argument with Sunshine helped put a lot of things into perspective. Add to that a fantastic weekend with my dad, Sunshine, and our kids and I simply felt invigorated.
I’m not going to sit here and try to tell you that I’m fine, though. I’m not…I’m still a bit broken and not yet at 100%. But I’m tired of having that defeat me on a daily basis. I’m tired of not laughing or smiling day-to-day. I think I’m finally going through the grieving process and am ready to tackle the world again.
The other thing I’m doing my best to not only tell myself but to actually believe is that I’m deserving of the happiness that’s in my life. I’ve been telling Sunshine for over two years now that she deserves to be happy, all the while not fully believing it myself. Whether it was because of being bullied as a child or always trying to live up to my father’s expectations, I never felt like I deserved happiness because I never quite could please the people I wanted to please…thus feeling like the bullying was deserved and that I was always letting my dad down, regardless of whether or not these were actually true.
I’m a good person. I’ve got a good heart. I’ve worked very hard to become the person that I believe I want to be. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m definitely on my way.
So with these realizations on my self-worth, I want to do my best to parlay that into my day-t0-day life. I want to stop moping at home every night feeling sorry for myself and actually LIVE. I want to stop leaving my house the shell I left it in when I moved in simply because I’m afraid to get too comfortable. I want to go back to being the man that helped bring joy to others.
So after a mini-break from blogging, I find myself wide awake at 5:39am on a Wednesday morning ready to tackle the world. With each passing day I find myself stronger and stronger and more prepared to be myself again. And at the end of the day, I guess that’s what I truly want more than anything else…to simply be myself again. For whatever reason (there are quite a few, actually) I’ve been unable to do that in recent months. That’s all about to change.
I was down for a bit and I’ll be down again when the Relay for Life comes around in a couple of weeks (I’m only $25 away from my online goal if you’d like to donate!!), but I’m doing alright. The battle isn’t yet over.