But I’m okay…

I’m hungry but I just can’t seem to eat.

I’m tired but I just can’t seem to sleep.

I’m smiling but I just can’t seem to stay happy for more than a moment.

But I’m okay.

I worry about how I act in certain situations.

I worry about how I will act in future situations.

I worry if I’ll be able to sweep away these eggshells sooner rather than later.

But I’m okay.

I wish I could find the person I want to be and bring him to the forefront.

I wish I could find a solution to the internal problems I know are there.

I wish I could find a solution to the external problems that plague me.

But I’m okay.

As I sit here writing this I wonder what my life would have been like without blogging. If I hadn’t been able to sit down at a computer, type words into the keyboard, and let my feelings pour out onto the monitor.

I would probably have continued down my downward spiral of depression and inward anger that surfaced after my marriage dissolved.

I would probably have continued on my merry little way with life choices…oblivious to my feelings like so many other 30-something men…and forcing my feelings to remain deep down inside.

I would probably have never really known that there may be something “not right” with me that needs to be looked at.

And I most certainly would never have met Sunshine.

But thankfully I did start blogging. Thankfully I was able to stop my downward spiral of depression and I allowed my feelings to be recognized. Thankfully I was able to look inward and recognize when there was something that needed to be addressed.

And thankfully I met the most amazing woman in the world.

So while my ramblings may not always be pretty, they help me.  I know some are concerned for me, and if this was five years ago you would probably have right to be concerned.  But this is today, and I’m a man who is on a journey towards self-contentment and self-love.

So if I’m not really okay, I soon will be.

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4 thoughts on “But I’m okay…

  1. This is exactly why I blog too…to ramble through and get out what I need to, for me, primarily, and if others see what I am saying and can relate, then all the better. I am glad you have this outlet and I am even more glad you found Sunshine. You two are just meant to be.

  2. Hang in there. It sounds like you’re on the right path to truly being ok. You’ve been through a lot and we all go through things at a different pace than someone else. Blogging has been like therapy for me and it sounds like lots of others feel that way to! lol

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