Hidden

As I’ve mentioned within the past week, I’m going through some internal things that have caused me to not be myself lately. After a conversation with Sunshine last night I also came to fully realize that I’ve got issues that I’ve dealt with my entire life that prevent me from believing I deserve happiness.

It’s weird to write that, because I’ve never really believed it to be true.  I mean…of course I deserve to be happy. How would I not? But it seems like I’m never actually satisfied unless I’m not actually happy…and that’s an unusual pill to have to swallow.

So this is the question I’m left to ask myself…why do I not allow myself to believe that I deserve to be happy?  What have I ever done to NOT deserve it? 

I also find it difficult to talk about, as if I’m afraid to really find out.  And I guess that’s not going to help matters any.

I just don’t know what to do at this point.  I really don’t think I can dive into any deep down feelings because I’ve got  other things going on right now. 

I’m burying my mom’s ashes on Thursday morning.  I’ve got the Relay for Life coming up.  I’ve just got other things that are definitely causing depression that I need to work through before I can dive headfirst into my gut and find out why I’m not a happy guy and why I give up on those things in life that can truly make me happy.

It’s gonna be a long week.

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5 thoughts on “Hidden

  1. I think that feeling is something that a lot of people struggle with. You definitely aren’t alone.

    I hope, when things slow down and you have time, that you are able to figure it out.
    Everybody deserves to be happy – and everybody deserves to enjoy their happiness.

  2. You DO deserve to be happy. When you’ve gone through such a period of unhappiness, it feels foreign to feel happiness. I am sure part of that has to do also with grieving the loss of your mom and worrying that being happy means you are in some way, not honoring her…but being happy is what she’d want to. I can almost guarantee that. Good luck this week.

  3. Dude … I mean, have you thought about perhaps seeking some professional opinions on this? You recognize that something is funky here, CaNook. You could see a therapist, is what I’m thinking?

    Now. I know you’re a guy, and by all senses you seem to be somewhat of a traditional dude. But that doesn’t mean you can’t reach out for some help once in a while too. So don’t go all guy on us and look at it as a sign of anything OTHER than being a big, strong man.

    Ok?

    Much love.

  4. Speaking from someone who’s done A LOT of soul searching, lemme just say that you’re doing JUST FINE. All of these little realizations are getting you to the root cause. No need to dig for it. Just allow it to come to the surface, look at it, decide if it serves you and if not, let it go. It’s not fun sometimes but before you know it, you’ll be all, “Hey, look at how much I’ve grown since then!”

    Just be yourself, however you’re feeling. We all struggle with a sense of self worth. And yes, perhaps some books or therapy or support groups might help too.

    You’re doing great. Awareness first. Then acceptance. Change naturally follows.

    Much love to you.

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