As I’ve mentioned within the past week, I’m going through some internal things that have caused me to not be myself lately. After a conversation with Sunshine last night I also came to fully realize that I’ve got issues that I’ve dealt with my entire life that prevent me from believing I deserve happiness.
It’s weird to write that, because I’ve never really believed it to be true. I mean…of course I deserve to be happy. How would I not? But it seems like I’m never actually satisfied unless I’m not actually happy…and that’s an unusual pill to have to swallow.
So this is the question I’m left to ask myself…why do I not allow myself to believe that I deserve to be happy? What have I ever done to NOT deserve it?
I also find it difficult to talk about, as if I’m afraid to really find out. And I guess that’s not going to help matters any.
I just don’t know what to do at this point. I really don’t think I can dive into any deep down feelings because I’ve got other things going on right now.
I’m burying my mom’s ashes on Thursday morning. I’ve got the Relay for Life coming up. I’ve just got other things that are definitely causing depression that I need to work through before I can dive headfirst into my gut and find out why I’m not a happy guy and why I give up on those things in life that can truly make me happy.
It’s gonna be a long week.