Those were the horrific words that sadly came out of my father’s mouth on the phone yesterday afternoon at 5:23pm.
“There’s nothing else they can do.”
Turns out, there are four more tumors that are spreading throughout my mother’s body in some vital areas. She has a tumor in each lung, one in her kidney, and one in the muscle of her thigh. These, of course, are in addition to the cancer in her right leg, her spine, and her brain.
At this point the cancer is terminal…it’s just a matter of trying to find out how much longer she has.
Really, it’s also a matter of figuring out how my mom will end her days. Dad and I are very emphatic in that we want her to come back to her home town instead of rotting in a hospital two hours away from any family or friends. But other than that, we’re not sure how this is going to all work out.
Will she continue to require hospitalization? Can she go to a nursing home instead? Are we looking at long-term care?
Unfortunately, I think I already know the answer to that last question. The doctors are under the impression that this will take over her sooner rather than later. “Aggressive” is not a word you like to hear when you’re talking about cancer.
I’m trying to process this, but I’m not sure how to react. So at this point, I’m just numb. I’m typing as a way to just tell people, but I spent last night staring blankly at the walls…blankly at my computer screen…blankly at American Idol…like an unfeeling robot.
But I do feel…and I do hurt…but at this point I don’t know if it’s really sunk in yet. I just don’t know what to do next or what to think.
I can talk to Sunshine…she’s my anchor. I can talk to my dad…he needs me as he’s an absolute mess. I just don’t know if I really want to talk to anybody else…in person, at least.
My son isn’t going to be able to grow up knowing his grandmother’s love as his father did. He’ll never be able to say, “Man…I loved when Nany made biscuits.” Just simple things that I was quite fortunate to be able to experience with my grandmothers.
Fuck…she hasn’t even seen my new home yet.
She’ll never know if her oldest son…the only child of three that she had that wasn’t adopted…was able to pull his life together and find happiness and success and all of the things that she wanted him to find.
She could have weeks. She could have months.