One Step Forward, One Stumble Back

I just don’t get it.

I don’t quite understand why The Universe is toying with my family the way it is. I’m not sure why we can feel “up” one day and then slammed the next with bad news, but it’s getting pretty frickin’ tired.

Just as mom was starting to get a little bit better, The Universe seems to have other plans.

I visited my mom on Saturday and Sunday with Sunshine and things seemed to be going well. She was tired and lonely and confined to her bed, but things were looking okay in terms of her diagnosis.

Then I received the following email from my dad late last night.

“Your mom has been in and out of herself but today, she wasn’t too bad. Like we discussed on Saturday, last week’s CT scan showed her femur was detaching itself from the metal in her leg. The doctors confirmed today that the cancer has attacked the lower portion of what femur she has left. So on Friday, she will undergo the 4th operation on her leg, removing the remainder of her femur and part of her hip and replacing it with metal. She still needs a disc in her back replaced because of the cancer has eaten thru all of the bone in that area. That was going to be done in the next two weeks but now I am not sure when that will happen. It depends on her surviving this next operation. Give me a call.”

So that hit me like a ton of bricks.  The doctors almost lost her three times during the last operation and now she needs yet another one, and it’s pretty major.  In addition, the ruptured disc in her back still needs to be operated on…and that’s also another scary procedure.

I’m really nervous about how Friday’s operation is going to go.

I just hate how there seems to be peaks and valleys with her health. As cold as it may sound, I’d prefer if she was in a coma than to have to see her wasting away in a hospital bed…totally unhappy and desperately lonely because she’s two hours away from her husband and three hours away from her son.

Cancer knows no age or race or sex.  Cancer is completely unbiased in who it decides to attack. Cancer has attacked my family a couple of times and has won so far.

Cancer can fuck right off.


20 thoughts on “One Step Forward, One Stumble Back

  1. Is there anyway that you can apply for compassionate care leave, so you can sit with your mom? Positivity and company can sure make a difference to someone in the hospital. EI has this option, and sometimes a med plan will have the same type of leave.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you often…

    1. I have considered it, but I honestly don’t know if I’d be able to sit there next to her bed like that. I know that probably makes me completely weak and it may come off as really insensitive, but I have issues just visiting her because it’s so difficult to see her like that.

      I know it’s extremely difficult on her and having somebody around every day all week long would be beneficial to her, but with my son and work…

      I know that makes me sound very selfish, but I just couldn’t do it. I wish I was stronger.

      1. Hey, don’t feel bad for feeling this way. My dad, when he was dying from cancer (because he opted out of any treatments, was 3 hours away from me. I went to see him when he asked for me but other than that, I couldn’t have imagined doing what his wife did… He was in their bed the whole time. He died right in her bed.

        In the meanwhile, her father was in a stretcher dying in her living room. He died 2 weeks after my dad.

        It takes a special kind of person to be able to handle that, CBG. I couldn’t handle it AT ALL. I felt awful and selfish all during my dad’s last days. Mostly because I was glad I had to work and couldn’t be by his side….

        I just didn’t think I was strong enough for that. I get it. I SOOOO get it.

        And thankfully, my dad’s wife completely understood and reassured me.

        1. I’m sure dad would understand, too…I guess I just wish I was strong enough to be there for my mom. I wonder if calling is enough, y’know?

          Thanks, T. It’s really nice knowing others have gone through similar situations and know what it’s like.

          1. I hope you know that by not being there, you are NOT being portrayed as weak. You are NOT weak! I know that everyone has something to contribute. When I was going through this with my husband and then my dad, I had friends who wouldn’t come near the hospital, but they did cook food, gave gifts of gas money, cleaned my house, etc…not everyone can do the sitting part, but everyone can do something. My husband didn’t want to be seen like that, except by immediate family, and my Dad was not with it enough to know. Being on the phone and talking to your mom is just as special for her and you! If she can handle looking at tv, maybe getting her some funny old movies would be good for her spirits!!!

  2. Cancer sucks. Breath in, breath out…that’s about all you can do. I know it’s devastating to see such challenges ahead, but the best thing you can do it to keep a head on your shoulders and tackle them one at a time.

    We’re here to listen/read/offer support.


    1. As amazing as it is to have Sunshine in my life…a person I can open up to without hesitation…it’s also really nice to be able to write my thoughts and feelings down and have people respond in a positive way.

      So thank you. Your kind words really do mean a lot when times are tough.


  3. Send her love and do what you can. I know it’s difficult but try to be gentle with yourself during this time too.

    Sending you prayers and love.

  4. Wow, that is a ton of bricks. It’s as though you see that little light at the end of the tunnel and the minute you try to see it, just a little sparkle, you get news like this. I will be praying for your mom and your family and I sincerely hope Friday’s surgery goes well. The surgeons hands will be guided by God (if you believe…), I firmly believe that.

    1. That’s EXACTLY how it is! Even the tiniest sparkle gets dashed when you just start to see it. I’m sure the surgeons will do all they possibly can to make sure this surgery is done correctly and safely.

  5. I’m sorry CBG. Your family is in my thoughts. I’ll be walking this weekend in an American Cancer Society Relay and I’ll ask my Relaying compadres to keep your mom, you and Sunshine in their thoughts and prayers as they walk the track. We must find a cure for this monster.

  6. i’m so sorry your family is going through this. i wish there were something we could all do for her. my thoughts are with you all.

  7. I’ve been thinking all day about what to say and I still don’t know but I want you to know that you have a lot of people thinking about you and your family and that there is so much love, positive thoughts and prayer being sent your way right now.
    I can’t imagine being where you are now and I totally get not being sure if you could be there. My mom goes through surgeries almost every year and it’s difficult.
    It hurts your heart to see somebody you love laying there, almost helpless.

    You are a strong man and you’re doing your best – remember that.

    1. Thank you, Nicole. Y’know, even as my chest feels tight because of the stress I’m going through, it’s really heartening to be able to read such amazingly thoughtful and caring comments from people like you.

      It helps. It really does.

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