It’s all about the Benjamins

There are two things you need to know about me when it comes to money:

1. I don’t make very much of it.
2. I’m not very good at handling the money I actually make.

Over the past year, my phone and internet service has been shut off twice due to late payments.  I’ve ended up getting things turned back on after a couple of weeks, but it didn’t prevent the situation from initially happening.

It’s my own fault.  I put my fiscal responsibilities elsewhere and I don’t put them where they need to be.

It’s happening again where I’ll be taking another “break” for a couple of weeks.  It sucks and it’s my own fault.  What’s worse is that it’s now adversely affecting my long-distance relationship.

I don’t like telling Sunshine about my financial issues.  I don’t want to worry her about where I’m at financially because we have enough on our plate and I don’t want her thinking that she’s the cause of any of my money problems.  I know that things will eventually turn around for me, with Step One being when I finally sell my home.  But until then, I’m going to continue to be financially strapped.

It’s a pretty crappy vicious circle.  I don’t want money issues to affect my relationship with Sunshine, but yet the relationship ends up getting affected because of money issues.

I wish I was better with my limited finances.  I wish I could create a budget and stick to it.  I know I need to make changes but for whatever reason I just procrastinate and let things slide until it’s too late to fix.

This isn’t a plea for funds.  This isn’t a “woe is me” type of post.  This is simply me trying to apologize to the woman I love for putting us in yet another uncomfortable position.

I mean…she is the woman I want to live the rest of my life with.  And here I am making what’s already a difficult situation even worse.  I’ve got nobody to blame but myself and I don’t understand why I continue to make the same stupid mistakes.

In the back of my head, I think I truly believe that something good will magically happen and I’ll be able to crawl out of this hole I dug for myself.  But the problem is that every time I dig myself out a little bit, I sit back and think “that’s enough” and then I fall right back in again.

I need to stop this.  I need to become more fiscally responsible…for my sake, for the sake of my relationship, and for the sake of my kids.

I’m 38 years old.  It’s time I started acting like it.

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4 thoughts on “It’s all about the Benjamins

  1. Hubby and I have had our hard times. There was a month where we literally could not buy food. We ate at my mom’s house, 3 meals a day, for a whole month. That was rough. And its still hard. We dont make much, and between child support, rent and debt, we have about nothing in the bank. But we get by, and it works.

    Budgeting does work. But you have to commit to it, just like a relationship.
    Good luck.

  2. Um… my own Benjamin has trouble with the “Benjamins” too.

    I hear the same things you are saying here. Honestly, it comes down to discipline. Just as it takes discipline to eat mindfully and healthfully, just as it takes discipline to exercise daily… it’s a DECISION. And those decisions take effort. Once you do it, incorporate it into your life, (i.e. for a month or two), it will become habit.

    Sometimes those decisions aren’t made until someone else gets hurt by it, unfortunately. For some reason, in some cases, we won’t make change for ourselves alone. I ate better when I was told I had gestational diabetes while pregnant. Before, I’m not sure I would have done it for myself. I had to change my diet dramatically so I would have a healthy baby. It sucked but it soon became my normal way of eating. It gave me awareness.

    If this relationship is making you think twice about how you handle your finances, then that’s awesome.

    You can do this. Change your mind. Empower yourself.

    Big love.

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