I’m not always there for Sunshine when she needs me. I try my best, but I’m far from perfect. What’s worse is that we’re in a long-distance relationship, so it’s even more important that I’m there for her when she needs me. The problem this weekend was that I thought I was, but I wasn’t.
She was having a day where she just wanted me to reassure her that everything was okay between us (no need to go into the details as to why). I told her in a way that was short and sweet and to the point. I just said,
“We’re fine. I love you. XOX.”
To me, the answer served its purpose and I didn’t really feel it needed much more than that. She wanted a bit more, though. Not excessively, though…she simply asked me to provide some more reassurance and do so in a gentle and loving way.
I didn’t know what else she wanted.
I asked her to tell me what she wanted to say because I immediately felt backed into a corner…like what I had originally said wasn’t good enough or that she didn’t want to take me at my word. I felt like I was being asked to be somebody I wasn’t. I got defensive.
I turned into a relationship cactus.
She tried telling me, but I just couldn’t get it. I felt as though she had this ideal set up for me…that because I’m such a great boyfriend most of the time that I had these expectations to live up to ALL of the time.
I’m just not built that way, though. I am who I am.
Here it is two days later and I still don’t know what I was supposed to say that would have made her feel better. Maybe it’s because I’m still being defensive and I refuse to open my mind to the fact that a few extra words would have made all the difference in the world.
She’s tried explaining it. I just don’t get it. To me, I gave her what she wanted and when she wanted more…I just started shutting down because what I gave her apparently wasn’t good enough.
It’s not her fault. It’s totally mine.
But I’m still confused.