Fear of history repeating itself

the busLater on today, Sunshine is jumping on a bus and coming to visit me for five days and nights.  That in and of itself isn’t really that big of a deal, is it?

Well…it is this time.

Here’s the deal: the last time we spent more than a weekend together, I broke up with her.

Ouch.

So what has changed this time around? Why should I (or her, for that matter) expect a different outcome than what happened last time?

  • What’s different? For one thing, I’m feeling a LOT more secure in myself and my ability to handle a relationship.  Y’see, our first time around was my first time in a relationship after the ending of my marriage two years prior.  So basically I was almost ready but not quite.  I was totally afraid of working hard at a relationship only to see it fail in the end…again.
  • What’s different? So then, in our two months apart, I realized that I’d rather experience love and fail trying than to have never tried at all and never find a connection again like the one I’ve found in Sunshine.  I needed to get over my fear of failing at a relationship.
  • 05-28-09
    Sunshine and I....

    What’s different? I could tell that she still had a few things to work out on her own back in February.  She needed some self-realization of what she wanted and what direction she wanted her life to go.  She did that.  She’s the person now that she told me she always wanted to be.  And not only do I believe her when she says that, but I believe in her and what she can do with her life.

  • What’s different? I believe in us.  I have no doubts this time around.  None.  I don’t even fear the distance anymore.  Why?  The time we share together is just so magical…so amazingly fun…so unbelievably special…that a simple three hour drive will not put a wrench in the machine.  I feel at ease when we’re together…there isn’t any uncomfortable moments right now, and that’s awesome.
  • Sunshine very proud as we stand on the Macdonald Bridge
    "The Bridge Walk" - Sunshine approved

    What’s different? I’m doing whatever I can to conquer my fears.  And yes, walking across a bridge while shaking in my shoes is certainly a nice symbolic gesture…but I think we both realize that it’s going to take more than that to prove that I’m more afraid of losing her than I am of failing.  But it’s not like a test or anything.  Only time will be my judge, because Sunshine also believes in me.

  • What’s different? There isn’t any pressure this time.  Back in February, we were both steadfast in the thought that our week-long love-fest would be the “real test” to see if we were more than just an online couple.  On top of that were some unrealistic expectations that we BOTH were placing on my interaction with her two amazing daughters.  Well, that was added pressure that we really didn’t need.  The fact of the matter is that we’re just two people in love who will be spending a few days together.  It doesn’t really need to be any more than that.  That’s the great thing about us right now…we’re just letting things progress naturally and it’s better than we could have imagined it.
  • 05-22-09
    C'mon...look at us. How can this NOT be real???

    What’s different? THIS IS REAL. She means the world to me…and I know that she feels the same about me.  What we’ve been experiencing as of late is what happy couples in love experience: just the joy of being together. I just don’t see what can ruin that in a five-day span.

Obviously, the fact that I ended things after we last spent a good chunk of time together is also weighing on her mind a bit.  I’ve been trying to not think about it because, quite frankly, it’s not something I’m proud of.  I think we both realize that everything’s different this time around.

So instead of taking a deep breath, I’m going to breathe normally.  I’m not nervous anymore.  I’m not afraid.  I’m just a simple man in love with somebody who, at this point, appears to be the soulmate I’ve been dreaming about.

How can that ever be wrong?

Giddy-up!!
Giddy up!! BRING IT ON!!

She called me…

Rugrat & IFor those keeping track, last week was kinda tough on good ol’ CBG.

Father’s Day came and left without a call from my daughter…and that hurt.  After sending off an email to her mom to find out what was going on, the message I received through me for a loop…her mom was actually blaming our daughter.

She’s ten.

So I sent off another email to her mom telling her that things had to change.  And you know what?  She replied to me…

I will most definately talk to her tonight about this whole situation. I totally agree with you. You will be hearing from her soon.

I was a little hesitant to believe her, to be honest.  But then my phone rang yesterday and it was the Rugrat.

Photobucket

The discussion wasn’t overly long, but her first words were an apology for missing Father’s Day. Then she just went into her summer and how she’s doing and I just glowed…

We talked for a good 20 minutes with the Ankle Biter running around the house in the background.  It was awesome and just made my day week.

So yeah…it’s Monday.  I just had the Ankle Biter all weekend.  Rugrat finally called me and told me that she loved me.  Sunshine comes to visit tomorrow afternoon for FIVE DAYS.  Oh…and I’ve got a 3-day weekend coming up.

It’s definitely going to be a good week.

So They Think They Can Dance?

One of the funnest memories of Michael Jackson’s music over the past couple of years was a viral video that was thrown on the web in 2007.

This video was a group of inmates at a jail in the Phillipines doing some huge choreographed version of the “Thriller” video.

Wikipedia explains more exact here:

Byron Garcia, the official security advisor to the Cebu government who was assigned as head of the prison by Gwendolyn Garcia (governor of Cebu Province) originally wanted to introduce a program at Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center (CPDRC) where inmates would exercise for an hour each day. He saw waves of prisoners in the exercise yard and thought it looked good.

Garcia initially introduced an exercise program where the prisoners marched in unison, starting out with marching to the beat of a drum, but moved on to dancing to pop music; he began with one of his favourite songs, Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in the Wall (Part 2)”.

Thriller was uploaded on July 17, 2007[8].

On December 19, 2007, in an article on “Most Popular Viral Videos”, Time Magazine placed the inmates’ Cebu Thriller as 5th in its Top 10 list. Time’s stated description of the prisoners was: “Orange-jumpsuited accused murderers, rapists and drug dealers paid homage to Michael Jackson’s Thriller in a dance performance filmed at the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center in the Philippines (CPDRC).

Alright…now with that set-up, here is the original (TOTALLY AWESOME) video:

Now, I bring all this up because I just found out today that the prisoners have created an all-new video as a tribute to Jackson.  I thought it would be fun to check it out.

So they think they can dance??

Yeah…it’s not bad, I suppose.  In a “creepy tribute” kind of way. I mean…really?  That’s the best they can do?

Meh.

But c’mon…it’s not like they’re doing The Hustle or anything.

Oh…wait…..

I want a FUN Friday…dammit!

Ugh.

After being depressed most of this past week, I need something to make me smile.  I mean, I’ve got the Ankle Biter all weekend and I want to prepare for his arrival with smiles and a spring in my step.  In fact, I was all set to do a whole “Twitter Tale” thingy last night when the news came in about Michael Jackson’s passing.

Wow.

I grew up on this man’s music, both before and after…ummm…his change.  ANYWAY…I figured that because I wanted a FUN Friday that I would rather celebrate his life instead of posting an RIP retrospective or something like that.  So here goes…a Grammy performance (one of my all-time favorites) that seems too good to be live until the end, when you can tell it’s been him all along.  Rest in peace, Michael…you brought a lot of enjoyment to a lot of people:

Of  course, something else depressing happened yesterday and that was the passing of one of the most beautiful women of all time, Farrah Fawcett.  Again, I’d rather celebrate her life than mourn her death.  So in doing so, I need to admit that I absolutely had a young-boy crush on her.  I mean, how could any boy NOT have a crush after seeing “The Poster“???

THE Poster!
Ummm yeah. Damn...........

What else was out there that could make me happy?  Well, there was always the news that I could get a $1,000 loan in Latvia in exchange for my immortal soul.  I mean, that’s not too bad of a deal, eh?

OH…I put my name in to win a trip for two to take part in a live investigation with both Jason & Grant of Ghost Hunters.  I mean, that’s a pretty cool frickin’ prize, if you ask me.

Hmmm…what else could make me happy today?  Oh I know.  How about a picture of singer Katy Perry sitting in a bathtub with her private girly parts hidden only with a pizza?

Sounds good to me!!

Yes Sunshine...I do dream about you in this scenario.  Heh...
Yes Sunshine...I do dream about you in this scenario. Heh...

I know what else could bring a smile to my face.  How about a Burger King ad where they implicitly insinuate that this new burger of theirs is the equivalent of getting a blowjob?

Heh…don’t believe me?  THIS brought a smile to my face…

The BK 7-incher - the ad speaks for itself, doesn't it?
I MUST GET THIS SANDWICH!! heh...

But I’m not done.  I’m still slightly depressed.  I need a joke.  I need a joke from a late night talk show.  Preferably from someone’s monologue.

How about Jimmy Fallon?

Fallon set-upFallon punchline

That’s good, I gotta admit.  But I need something a bit more than a picture.  How ’bout some video some nobody wannabe supermodel giving NFL star Terrell Owens an absolute NSFW tongue-thrashing?

Heh…that made me laugh when I wasn’t cringing.  Props to T.O. for just sitting back and taking it.

Okay…I’m smiling now.  I need a bit more, though.

I need a picture of a drug dealer who stopped part-way through his hair appointment to set-up a drug deal but got arrested….yeah, I need that dude’s mug shot to cheer me up:

Crack is a helluva drug...
Crack is a helluva drug...

Mwahahahahaha….

I’m almost there (that’s what SHE said).

Where my son is turning 3 in September and is already a huge Star Wars fan, how about a movie review from a fellow 3-year-old?

Okay…to finish up here let’s post a pic of me yesterday posing brilliantly with the (not-yet-lit) Olympic torch, gearing-up to celebrate the 2010 winter Olympics that are taking place in Vancouver:

Pic of the week, peeps...
Pic of the week, peeps...

Okay…NOW I’m feeling better.  Hope everybody has a FUN FRIDAY!!

My daughter’s going through a “nasty stage”?

I just don't careI’m still a little rattled about not being called on Father’s Day by my daughter.

For those not in the know, the Rugrat lives in Ontario and I only get to see her a couple of times each year (normally once in the summer and once in the winter).  She just turned 10 in January and has been having a pretty rough time this year making friends at a new school and (seemingly) going through an early puberty.

So after waiting until Monday night to see if she would call, I sent an email to her mom on Tuesday morning.  I told her how hurt I was and basically put it all out there.

I’m hurt…I’m missing her like crazy…I’m constantly regretting ever agreeing to let her move…I’m sad…I’m confused.  I explained why I felt the way I felt and that I wasn’t sure where Rugrat’s head was, so that made me question myself as a father.

Here is the (lengthy) response:

Todd, I totally understand what you are saying.

Let me just tell you that you are not alone. Rugrat did not say Happy Father’s Day to (CBG edit: her stepfather…to be known going forward as Steps) or give him anything, either.  She decided not to stay home for the majority of the day. We did not even see her for the most part.  I let her go to her friends for a sleep over on Sat. and told her that she was to be home early in the morning because it was Father’s Day and we all wanted to do something together. She did not come home until a little after lunch……Steps told me to just let her do what she wants because he was hurt as well and did not want to make her stay home because that would make him feel that the only reason she was with us was because we made her.

I call it her ” You just don’t care” stage. Just to confirm with you that I did bring it to her attention that she should have called you. I know that it probably hurts 10 times more than Steps because you are so far away. The only thing that I can say to both of you is this is one of those “nasty” stages in growing up that we all need to try to deal with and hope it passes as quick as possible. I feel really bad that all these things are getting to you the way that they are.

I hope you know that Rugrat is not mad at you for anything at all, she is not upset with you, or anything along those lines.  If it helps….she did not say Happy Mother’s Day to me either, nor did I get anything.  However, Steps did make her stay home for awhile so we could all go out, and I did feel bad because I did feel like she was there, not because she wanted to but because she was made to.

Not to try to turn this around and make this all about me but I hope that you and Steps both realize that I am stuck in the middle of this circle.  Because I feel bad and guilty for you…..and then for Steps….and then I feel bad for myself.  I try so hard to make things better and to try to make everyone happy, so no one has to feel the way you are feeling right now.  I totally understand why you two come to me first though, that is perfectly understandable, I am glad that you do.  This “stage” is so hard because it makes me realize that I cannot be her friend, I have to be her mom.

Again Todd, I am so sorry for the way you are feeling. If you would like me to talk to her about this and the way you are feeling I will do that for you. Just know that Rugrat loves you very much.  Right now, in her eyes, her friends need to come first.

I hope that you are not upset with me as I need you as well on my side, for all these nasty “stages” that she is going to be going through.

I gotta be honest…I’m not sure how to digest this.  Her and I get along well and have always been really good at keeping each other informed on how Rugrat’s doing and what she’s going through.  So if this is her interpretation of events, then I believe her.

Rugrat...growing up too fast?
Rugrat...growing up too fast?

But should I push things?  Should I stress her job as Rugrat’s mom to “force” her to call me or to arrange a phone schedule?  I mean, the last thing I want to do is have Rugrat resent me or roll her eyes thinking…“Jeez…my DAD is on the phone AGAIN.”

The whole thing just breaks my heart, though.  I’m CERTAIN that in Rugrat’s eyes, she’s just enjoying the summer and everything’s fine.  But it hurts…ESPECIALLY knowing (sit down for this one) that she won’t be coming to visit this summer.

Yeah…I know.

Due to financial restrictions (it’s her mom’s turn to pay for the trip), Rugrat won’t be able to come visit for a couple of weeks like she normally does.  Yes, it really sucks.  REALLY sucks.  I’ve had a few weeks to digest the news so I’m not as hurt or angry as I was initially, but Father’s Day just increased those feelings again.

She’ll be spending Christmas with me…which is awesome.  I just saw her in March for two weeks…which was fantastic.  I need to emphasize the positive aspects and try to not stress the negatives.

She’s 10.  I just don’t know what to do right now.  Do I push the issue?  Do I let her enjoy her summer now that she’s finally found friends after an entire school year of feeling isolated and on the outside looking in?

When I was her age my parents made me go to church every Sunday.  It got to the point that I didn’t want to go to church anymore (and I still don’t go to this day).  I don’t want to force her to call me.  I want her to WANT to talk to me.

So do I just put on a brave face and let her come to me when she’s ready?