Later on today, Sunshine is jumping on a bus and coming to visit me for five days and nights. That in and of itself isn’t really that big of a deal, is it?
Well…it is this time.
Here’s the deal: the last time we spent more than a weekend together, I broke up with her.
So what has changed this time around? Why should I (or her, for that matter) expect a different outcome than what happened last time?
- What’s different? For one thing, I’m feeling a LOT more secure in myself and my ability to handle a relationship. Y’see, our first time around was my first time in a relationship after the ending of my marriage two years prior. So basically I was almost ready but not quite. I was totally afraid of working hard at a relationship only to see it fail in the end…again.
- What’s different? So then, in our two months apart, I realized that I’d rather experience love and fail trying than to have never tried at all and never find a connection again like the one I’ve found in Sunshine. I needed to get over my fear of failing at a relationship.
- What’s different? I could tell that she still had a few things to work out on her own back in February. She needed some self-realization of what she wanted and what direction she wanted her life to go. She did that. She’s the person now that she told me she always wanted to be. And not only do I believe her when she says that, but I believe in her and what she can do with her life.
- What’s different? I believe in us. I have no doubts this time around. None. I don’t even fear the distance anymore. Why? The time we share together is just so magical…so amazingly fun…so unbelievably special…that a simple three hour drive will not put a wrench in the machine. I feel at ease when we’re together…there isn’t any uncomfortable moments right now, and that’s awesome.
- What’s different? I’m doing whatever I can to conquer my fears. And yes, walking across a bridge while shaking in my shoes is certainly a nice symbolic gesture…but I think we both realize that it’s going to take more than that to prove that I’m more afraid of losing her than I am of failing. But it’s not like a test or anything. Only time will be my judge, because Sunshine also believes in me.
- What’s different? There isn’t any pressure this time. Back in February, we were both steadfast in the thought that our week-long love-fest would be the “real test” to see if we were more than just an online couple. On top of that were some unrealistic expectations that we BOTH were placing on my interaction with her two amazing daughters. Well, that was added pressure that we really didn’t need. The fact of the matter is that we’re just two people in love who will be spending a few days together. It doesn’t really need to be any more than that. That’s the great thing about us right now…we’re just letting things progress naturally and it’s better than we could have imagined it.
What’s different? THIS IS REAL. She means the world to me…and I know that she feels the same about me. What we’ve been experiencing as of late is what happy couples in love experience: just the joy of being together. I just don’t see what can ruin that in a five-day span.
Obviously, the fact that I ended things after we last spent a good chunk of time together is also weighing on her mind a bit. I’ve been trying to not think about it because, quite frankly, it’s not something I’m proud of. I think we both realize that everything’s different this time around.
So instead of taking a deep breath, I’m going to breathe normally. I’m not nervous anymore. I’m not afraid. I’m just a simple man in love with somebody who, at this point, appears to be the soulmate I’ve been dreaming about.
How can that ever be wrong?