Tag Archives: self-esteem

May 2, 2012

A Mental Step Back

By Canadian Bald Guy

I went through a pretty tough period late last year. I went through a depression that I really wasn’t sure I’d get out of, but with some perseverance and some hard work I did. In fact, the past two months have been two of the greatest months I can remember ever having.

Yesterday, though, was a pretty bad day. Not just a “bad day”, though…but a day where I felt as though I took a major step backwards when it came to my mental state.

It’s a combination of two different things: money and work.

The money issue isn’t anything new. I’ve never been that great with money and I’ve never made much…so that’s a pretty bad combination. Every time I’m about to catch-up on things, things happen and I end up floundering and behind on bills and such. I hate living paycheck-to-paycheck. The only time I haven’t lived like that in the past ten years was when I was living with my ex-wife. In fact, my bills were all caught up when we split…and it’s been an uphill battle ever since.

I’m barely scratching by right now, and that’s tough enough. The thing that set me off was the realization that I wouldn’t be able to do what I wanted to for Sunshine on her birthday in a couple of weeks. She’s already so giving and carries a lot of the financial weight in our long-distance relationship, I just wanted to do something great for her on a special day. As it turns out, it’s not looking like that’s going to happen.

Sunshine, being as amazing as she is, offered to “postpone” the birthday celebration. How amazing is that? Unfortunately, that made me feel even worse about the situation. I mean…how pathetic am I?

Then Sunshine sent me a copy of my resume after it had been looked over (thoroughly) by an HR friend of hers. The only thing her friend didn’t critique on the resume was my name. And I’m all about constructive criticism…I mean, I’m all about self-improvement.

The issue was that I looked at my resume and realized just how pathetic it looked. I’ve been working “meh” jobs over the past ten years or so, and it’s almost embarrassing for an almost 40-year-old to have a resume like that. And here was Sunshine’s friend wanting me to give an idea of what I wanted to do for a career and how much I expected to be paid.  Hell…I don’t think I’m worth getting paid what I’m getting paid now, and I’m barely surviving on what I’m paid now.

So now I feel completely inadequate and insecure on a number of levels. I’m not sure what to do…I feel a bit helpless; like I’m in a canoe without a paddle or a direction.

Disappointment and self-confidence issues…thy name is CBG.

23 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in Stream of Consciousness

July 13, 2011

I wish I was a baller…

By Canadian Bald Guy

I was going through some old posts from my previous (now private and well hidden) blog and found something from almost exactly three years ago.  In the post I was wishing to be a person that I wasn’t at the time.  I wasn’t in a very good place mentally and I think it shows in my words.

So I thought it would be interesting to see what I thought of myself at the time and follow each point up with comments on where I see myself today…

**********

I wish I could be one of those people who were positive all the time.

I’m definitely a positive person now. Without question. I actually had somebody at work yesterday ask me why I don’t let things bother me and if I could mentor others!!  It took a lot of work, but my outlook on life in general is extremely positive…and life is better because of it.

I wish I could follow my own advice for others.

I think I’m still working on this one.  The good thing is that I’m able to recognize the times when I need to take my own advice and do my best to pause, take a moment, and then heed it.

I wish I wasn’t so lazy.

Heh…I’m still working on this one, too. But I gotta say that I’m definitely not as lazy as I used to be three years ago.

I wish I didn’t feel so lonely all the time.

Even though I’m in a long-distance relationship with Sunshine, I don’t feel this way anymore.  I may be alone most nights, but I’m not lonely.

I wish I could stop procrastinating.

This one will probably never change.

I wish I would think more before speaking my mind. I know not what I do sometimes.

This is something else I’ve definitely worked on over the last couple of years. I still say things I shouldn’t, but I’m a LOT better than I was.

I wish I could be “Zen”. Sometimes, negativity seems to pour over me like a cold shower in the morning.

Wow…the only shower that pours over me contains hot water and joy at a brand new day. It’s hard to believe that I was in that low of a place.

I wish I had more self-confidence. Not liking oneself isn’t exactly an attractive quality that women are clamoring over.

This is something I’m still working on today. It’s absolutely better than it was, but it’s a work in progress.

I wish I wasn’t always “just a friend”. Women seem to like me a lot but just not that much.

I think Sunshine has helped me in this category.

I sometimes wish I was smoking again. Certain things in my life seemed better during that time period. It’s a fleeting thought…but it’s always there.

I’ve been around smokers a lot over the past few years…even for a couple of hours last weekend…and it doesn’t bother me anymore. I don’t even think about smoking, so my hope is that it’s an addiction I’ve put to rest.

I wish depression would motivate me instead of de-motivate me. You would think that seeing my stomach hang over my belt every day would be a good incentive to work out and lose a ton of weight. But I’d much rather eat some chips or a Blizzard or something chocolate. It’s not called “comfort food” for nothing. I actually feel better when I eat junk…and then I look at myself in the mirror and get depressed for eating it. It’s a vicious cycle.

While I’m still working on this one, I’m starting to over-come it. I’ve lost 13 pounds within the last month and I’m keen on continuing on this path. Fingers crossed…I can stay motivated because I know I’ll feel a lot better when all is said and done.

I wish somebody would care about me for who I am…not for the person they want me to be. Or think I could be. Or wished I could be. I’m totally willing to try new things and try to be “that person”. Y’know, the one that is exactly what my companion wants me to be…but I want acceptance first for who I am before I follow someone else’s road of guidance and advice.

I never would have thought at the time that I would have found the PERFECT person for me who loves me for exactly as I am. What an amazing change this can make to one’s life.

I wish I didn’t complain so much. Sometimes life sucks. I just need to stand in line & buy a helmet.

Bought my helmet awhile ago.  I’m good with life now.

I wish I would stop wishing for things that aren’t in my life right now. I need to slap myself, smarten up, and just LIVE.

While I still think I’m capable of having more of a “life”, I’m not wishing for things that are out of my control anymore. I’m doing my best to appreciate what I do have instead…it makes life so much easier to handle.

**********

Wow…I can tell you without question that I’m in SUCH a better place today than I was three years ago. It’s amazing how much I’ve changed and how some things are still the same.

The bottom line is that I’m always improving…never giving up…and never again letting life kick me to the curb regardless of what it might throw my way.

3 comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in happiness, sadness, Stream of Consciousness

June 14, 2011

Last Friday Night

By Canadian Bald Guy

Sunshine and I went into this past weekend with the hopes of reconnecting on a number of levels. I’m pretty sure I can say that the mission was accomplished. All in all, it was a great weekend where we, indeed, reconnected on a number of different levels.

We went out to enjoy the Halifax Seaport Farmer’s Market as we always do. And y’know what? It rarely gets old doing that with her. I just love walking through the artisans hand-in-hand…taking in the atmosphere…going up on the roof on a beautiful sunny day. It’s a non-verbal connection that we both feel.

Sunshine on the roof of the Halifax Seaport Farmer's Market: 06-11-11

I love experiencing new things with Sunshine. Something new experienced together was the “World Naked Bike Ride“, which is something we tried to see last summer but missed. We thought we may have missed it this year but we happened to catch a glimpse of the ride taking place and then did our best to get ahead of it just so we could take pictures. I mean, how often do you see 50+ naked people on bicycles all at once riding around?

Something else I got to do was stand next to a guy dressed as a stormtrooper…which, quite honestly, would have been fun enough for the geek inside of me to enjoy but I was more concerned with how my son would react.

I really think he’ll freak out (in a good way) at the sight of his father hangin’ with a “real life stormtrooper”. I’m hoping that his opinion of me elevates just a little bit.  I mean, c’mon…look at these!!

Gotta love the dude giving the stormtrooper some "bunny ears" behind him.

This is my "I'm getting attacked" pose. Okay...so maybe this was more for me than for my son.

The dudes from Maritime Heavy Armour

Actually, there were four guys there dressed up in different outfits from Maritime Heavy Armour who were there to help raise money to fight the battle against prostate cancer. Obviously, after just completing a very emotional Relay for Life just a couple of weeks ago, I’m all about giving these guys as much publicity as my little blog can muster. So if you’re interested in checking them out, please do so…you’ll find out info not only about them but about their fund-raising (they raised $300 the afternoon we saw them). You guys are doing a good job out there…making people smile and trying to raise funds for a good cause. Keep doing what you’re doing.

Hey…speaking of my son…he starts soccer tonight!  It’s the first organized sporting activity that he’s ever been signed-up for, so needless to say I can’t wait to go watch him every single time he’s out there.  I want to be “that dad”, y’know?  The guy who shows up for every game because he puts his son first. And right now, at a time where I could be working a TON of overtime, watching my son play soccer just seems so much more important than anything I’ve got going on at work.  I just can’t wait to be a “soccer dad”.

And now for the “depressing/not really that happy” part of today’s post…I gotta be honest and say that not everything going on in my life right now is all wine and roses. I realized over the weekend that my quest to finally accept myself as the good person that I am isn’t going the way I want it to.  I mean, I’m almost 39 years old and I still have moments where I feel like that 15-year-old kid who got picked on for wearing bad clothes, having bad hair, and suffering from really bad acne.

I have to admit it…I look in the mirror and absolutely hate what I see.  And what’s worse? I allow this reflection of myself to affect how I act around others.

I’m trying, though…I just need to figure out how to break down these walls I’ve built-up around myself over the years.  And I don’t think they’re walls that prevent others from getting in because I usually tell Sunshine more than I want to (I just don’t like holding things in when I’m with her).  No, the walls I’ve built are preventing ME from getting through to ME.

Sunshine has tried so very hard to help me see the man that she sees, and I feel like I constantly let her down because I just can’t see what she sees.

But I’m trying.

On the positive side of things, I tried chocolate soda over the weekend and didn’t hate it.  Seriously.

Oh…and Sunshine had some DQ, which is kinda eventful because it’ll be the last time all summer she’ll be having any. I’ll let her tell you why, though.

And finally, I have to admit that I absolutely love this new Katy Perry song/video. It’s catchy…it’s pop…it’s fun…it’s everything a guy my age SHOULDN’T enjoy, but I do.  Immensely.

LAST FRIDAY NIGHT by Katy Perry

5 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , | posted in dating, fears, happiness, music, photography, relationships

January 11, 2011

Impossible Expectations

By Canadian Bald Guy

One of the issues that Sunshine has helped bring to the surface over the past couple of weekends was concerning how I sometimes set expectations up for myself that are unrealistic…especially when it comes to my own dad.  See…my dad has never told me that he was proud of me so I’ve spent my entire life trying to gain his favor.

I should correct myself…he told me that he was proud of me one time: on the day I got married.  And…well…y’know…that didn’t end up the way we thought it would.

So in my mind, I not only am unable to make my dad proud…not only do I feel like I’ve been a constant disappointment to him…but I ended up failing at the one thing that he WAS proud of me for.

I know my dad loves me…I’ve never questioned that.  So why does it matter that he’s never said that he was proud of me?  Because he has told me numerous times just how disappointed has was in me in different situations.  Guess what rang through my mind as I grew up?

So here I am…a 38-year-old man with unresolved daddy issues.  And the thing is that they’re not on him, either.  These issues deal with my own lack of self-esteem and how I have always felt that if I made my dad  proud of me then maybe I wouldn’t feel like such a failure all of the time.

At this stage in my life, should it even matter?  Probably not…but it still eats away at me.  I feel like all I’ve ever done is let him down time after time.  He has gone out of his way on more than one occasion to stick his neck out and help me…and I know he wishes that I’d just be able to do well enough on my own without him having to help me out of the occasional jam.

And I guess at the end of the day, I want those same things, too…and that just compounds to the feelings I have of wanting to beat myself up for failing in my own life.

Right or wrong, those are my feelings. I feel like a failure in life because my dad has never told me that he was proud of me. I realize that sounds silly…almost absurd to even quantify my life into a simple sentence like that, but at the heart of things that’s what is going on inside of me.

My job, then, becomes finding a way to work through these self-loathing issues.  My job, now that I have recognized the issues, is to find a way to enter my 40′s and not feel as if I had made mistake after mistake my entire life.  My job is to not only say that I like myself and that I’m a good person, but to actually BELIEVE it.

That’s going to be more difficult than it should be.

9 comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in relationships

May 6, 2009

Happy International No Diet Day!!

By Canadian Bald Guy

So as I was browsing through my Google Reader, I came across a note about today being International No Diet Day.

Wait…isn’t that my life EVERY day??

But then I did just a bit of reading on it…and it isn’t nearly as silly as it sounds.

International No Diet Day (INDD) is an annual celebration of body acceptance and body shape diversity.  This day is also dedicated to raise awareness of the dangers in diets. 

See?  Not so crazy, is it?

The problem is that we live in a society where your physical appearance is scrutinized…and scrutinized by practically everybody.  It’s a society where our kids are having a brutally difficult time: the boys are getting fatter at an earlier age because they’re not doing any physical activity other than using their fingers and thumbs on their games; and the girls are scared to be considered anything less than rail-thin and so they starve themselves in order to look a certain way.

It was bad when I was young…I feel it’s worse for kids today.

Examples?

Kim Kardashian is considered FAT by everybody from random bloggers to popular websites like TMZ.  Seriously.  I’m sorry…but I do not consider this to be a fat woman (in the slightest):

Kim Kardashian 1Kim Kardashian 2

The constant attention that this woman receives is beyond me anyway.  I mean, she’s a talentless hack who’s only real claim to fame is having a sex tape with a 2nd-rate rap star.  But at the end of the day, this woman is NOT fat.

Yet the media continues to dump all over her.  The media also appears to glamorize skinny.  REALLY skinny.  

The current media darling is Megan Fox.  And no…it’s not like I can blame anybody:

Megan is, indeed, a fox

Megan is, indeed, a fox

Ummm...yeah.

Ummm...yeah.

But this isn’t a realistic portrayal of what most women look like, is it?  Sure…most women would probably want to look like this, I suppose.  Hell…I know that I’d absolutely love to look like this:

Yeah...like THIS is ever gonna happen to me.

Yeah...like THIS is ever gonna happen to me.

But at the end of the day, most people aren’t built like this.  Most people are just…dare I say it…NORMAL.  And really, that’s what this day is all about.

I’ve never had very much self esteem.  I’ve never been “thin”.  I’ve always done my best to rely on my personality to win the favor of women because they never really gave me much of a second look.  Over the past year, however, I’ve learned to like myself…and I’m certainly on the way to finally (no pun intended) loving myself.  I’m older…chubbier…but I know that I’m a good person.  And that, my friends, is what really matters the most.

Be proud of who you are inside.

I hope you enjoyed your International No Diet Day (even if it may be over…lol).  Continue to diet if you’d like…but just know that at the end of the day, what’s on the outside DOES NOT MATTER.  

If blogging has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t need to see what somebody looks like in order to like them.  A lot.

Cheers!

12 comments   |  tags: , , , | posted in happiness, health

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,655 other followers