It’s been a rough week for me. Once Sunshine told me that I had been acting differently and seemed a bit depressed, I’ve been going through the week in a bit of a daze as I tried to figure out why I was feeling the way I was feeling.
It turns out that there’s a number of things that are weighing on my mind, but most of it revolves around my mom. With the upcoming Relay for Life, a need to scan all of her pictures and burn them to disc, and then finally burying her ashes now that the frost is out of the ground…I’m beginning to think (although I’m not certain) that I still haven’t fully come to terms with her death. I guess it’s something I’m still working through but I’m finding myself just going through the motions on a daily basis…and that’s not who I am nor is it who I want to be.
The good news? I can recognize the need to do something before it gets worse. The better news? I’m spending the next FIVE weekends with Sunshine (beginning tonight!!) and she’s ALWAYS the remedy for whatever negative energy is in my life.
I found out last night that we’ll be burying mom’s ashes on Thursday morning in a very small ceremony. I’m thinking that maybe I hadn’t dealt with her death as well as I thought I did because I always knew I’d had to re-visit the sadness of her passing sooner rather than later.
In addition, with both my parents’ 43rd wedding anniversary and Mother’s Day taking place within the last few weeks and the Relay coming up on June 3rd, there have been a lot of “in your face” reminders that she’s no longer here. It’s not like I’d ever forget or anything, but it’d be nice to not have to focus on sadness at least once a month.
After speaking with someone who lost their father nine years ago to cancer last night, I know that these feelings will get better but never truly go away. Even now, she can just have a random moment when the gravity of her loss hits her and she loses it.
And maybe I’m just kidding myself. Maybe burying her and lighting a luminary at the Relay won’t give me any closure at all. Maybe I’m going to have to dig down deeper and really get to some darker place in order to find out why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. My hope, though, is that it won’t be necessary. My hope is that after Thursday morning, things will begin to change for me.
…a “mental health” day.
I need a day to myself where I’m NOT lounging around doing nothing all day. I need to have a day to myself where I’m not staring at the walls. I need to get off my ass and do things that will make me happy and (hopefully) turn my life around.
I’m not sure what those things are, but I know that I can’t continue to mope around anymore. I went through this when my mom was first diagnosed with cancer and I separated from my wife…although, admittedly, the depression/funk that I went through was brutal and was at the point where I was shutting down and simply becoming a recluse.
I’m NOT at that point now in any way. I’ve got this outlet for my thoughts and feelings, I can recognize that I need to work through things and not just push those feelings deep down inside, and I’ve got the most amazing woman in my life that I couldn’t imagine being without. If I need anything at all, she’s there for me. I don’t know if I’ve truly had that before.
…to stop stressing over Sunshine’s birthday tomorrow.
I don’t have much to give her. I simply couldn’t top what I did last year so I went a bit low-key this year. Plus, in all honesty, it’s been tough to really get into the spirit of her birthday with all of the things going on around me. Every time I tried to think of something unique and original and thoughtful and loving to give to her, I ended up stressed because I couldn’t come up with anything.
Hopefully she likes what I’ve gotten for her. It’s small and it’s from the heart (no…it’s NOT a ring…yet…lol) and I know that she’ll be happy knowing that we’re together on her birthday, but I just wish I could stop stressing over my inability to get her the things that I really want to get her.
…to pick up my blogging.
Blogging is fun. Blogging brings me joy. Blogging helps me work through issues. I’ve been letting my emotions get the better of me lately and haven’t been motivated to write nearly as much as I normally would. I’m also finding the writings are, for the most part, not as happy or as thoughtful as I’d like them to be.
I feel like I’m a writer at heart. I feel like I can not only work through my own issues but also entertain others with my words. So whether it’s a lack of inspiration or a lack of motivation, I really feel like I need to turn it around because blogging is simply one of those things in my life that makes me happy.
Wow…talk about a stream of consciousness post. If I actually stumbled upon this post I probably would have skipped over it thinking that there are “too many words” (lol).
So if you’re still here reading, thank you. I appreciate not only you taking the time to read this blog of mine (which still baffles me sometimes to know that what I write is even interesting enough that others want to read it), but also for leaving comments from time to time. This isn’t a hugely popular blog and I don’t get 50 comments or anything, but I truly enjoy the little “Blogosphere” that I seem to be a part of…and I thought I should take a quick moment (especially now that I’ve been rambling forever) to thank you for whatever reason it is that brought you here to my blog. At times, it can be quite the humbling experience.
Have a great weekend, everybody. Take care.
I am still at 65% of my online fundraising goal thanks to some really great people. Thank you!!! But with only three weeks left, I would really LOVE to be able to reach my online goal of $500.
Please join me in the fight against cancer by supporting my participation in Relay For Life. Whether it’s $5 or $500, every single dollar raised helps!!
It’s really easy – just click on this link. C’mon…help a brutha out!!
Thanks for your continuing support!