Tag Archives: losing weight

My Own Skin

There are a million things going on right now and I don’t know how to cope. 

The old me would sit in front of the computer with a big bag of chips or a bowl of ice cream or a couple of chocolate bars and find comfort, albeit temporarily. 

The new me…the me that I’m trying to be, anyway…is having a very difficult time coping with stress.

There are things going on at work that are very difficult for me to deal with. A lot of light bulbs went off this week and nobody is tougher on me than me, so when mistakes are made and I’m trying to “clean up” a bit afterwards, it’s disheartening and it usually brings out the self-loathing part of me. I’m also swamped with normal work, too…so the stress is a bit more than usual right now.

I also plan on starting something for the blog…an exercise program that was sent to me in order to do a sponsored post or two. With a wedding tentatively scheduled for August, I want to be in the best shape of my adult life because I owe it both to myself and to Sunshine. The problem is that as soon as I opened up the package, I began feeling overwhelmed. I began feeling uncomfortable in my own skin because I thought there was no way I could do this. Take pictures of myself in order to end up with a before/after shot? No thanks. Get up every morning to do just 10 minutes of exercise? Heck no. I’m not good enough to do that…who do I think I am to have actually thought I could? And to work out next to Sunshine? She ran a frickin’ marathon a couple of months ago…who am I to think I could even stay at a slightly similar pace to her? And if I’m not, then aren’t I just wasting my time with the whole idea?

Sigh.

And on a very personal note, something happened to me this week that will change my life forever. It’s totally NOT a bad thing and no, it’s not a baby (lol). But it’s been an extremely stressful week because of that situation. I’m sure I’ll eventually blog about it and I’m not trying to bait people in by being vague…it’s just a very personal issue and it’s something that I’m having an extremely difficult time dealing with and working through, even though it is a very good thing.

I know…it doesn’t make sense, does it? That’s just how I’m feeling right now…like I’m just not making sense. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells yet can’t figure out why I feel that way. I’m jittery and jumpy and I’m doing my best to not take it out on Sunshine, who is her usual incredible self. She doesn’t know what to do, and I feel terrible that I’m putting her in the awkward position of being “on the outside”. I mean, I want to let her in and tell her what’s going on inside of me, but every time I try I can’t figure out just what the hell IS going on inside of me, and that just makes me more and more frustrated with myself.

I’m just not comfortable in my own skin right now and I wish I knew how to fix that. I know what I used to do, but that’s not going to work for me anymore. I just need to figure out what to do next.


The Race…Win Or Lose?

Well…when I last left you wonderful readers (at least in terms of this particular story), I was preparing for my race. What race? THIS race. It’s been five months in the making and it finally took place yesterday afternoon after work.

I mean…I’ve been training for this for months. I started out when it was 30 below in the dead of winter:

I’m ready for you!!

I even trained while on vacation. I mean, here it was 6am in the middle of the Caribbean on a cruise ship, and I was at the gym workin’ it:

KILLING my morning workout!!

I trained in the cold rain:

Cold April showers? No problem!

I trained in the hot sun:

It’s frickin’ 30 degrees outside. What the heck was I thinking?

Truth be told, though, I hadn’t been training as much as I should over the past month or so. It was really combination of things. For one, I had lost my “mojo” when it came to the race itself. He wasn’t talking about it…people at work weren’t talking about it…there seemed to be very little interest. Second, I have been so stressed running around trying to get a job so I could move to Sunshine’s city with her in addition to worrying about finances and my daughter flying down to visit and a number of other things. There just hasn’t seemed to be much time to train like I was back in March and April.

Last week we set the exact date and time of the race because of pressure from people at work who hadn’t forgotten our silly little bet. It was to take place Monday at 5:30pm after work. After being home all weekend, you would think that I would have been training hard. That didn’t happen primarily because I didn’t want to injure myself in any way and give anybody an excuse if I didn’t win. I had been having shin splint issues from the second month on, so I didn’t want that to happen to me during the race.

It was quarter past five and I went to the washroom to go change into my shorts and t-shirt. I downed a Red Bull just to make sure I had a bit of “oomph” in my step and I made my way outside.

Three or four people quickly turned into what looked like thirty, and then someone came over with a video camera and started asking me questions about the race. It was a fellow co-worker who also does video editing as a side job, so who knows what he is going to come up with from this thing.

My buddy and I then went over to the “start/finish line” (i.e. a telephone pole) and had a good nervous laugh about the whole thing.

Laughing off some pre-race jitters.

My confidence from early on was waning just a little bit. I didn’t think he had been training, but I wasn’t sure if he really had or not. I had given him multiple opportunities to just quit and forget the whole thing, but he never did. I even suggested we run at 7am before it got too hot outside, but he declined because he knew a lot of people wanted to watch. This all made me feel as though he had something up his sleeve that I didn’t know about.

All of a sudden, somebody said “GO!” and off we went…

Aaaaand we’re off!

I knew my plan going in…long strides at a good pace for the first third of the course, then (hopefully) a bit of rest while he caught up to me. As soon as we took off, I heard his “coaches” (i.e. some women from work who had been walking with him and helping him train) yell out for him to take his time. I didn’t want to be distracted so I just kept on going.

I got to the point I wanted to get to and stopped. I turned around and saw that he was pretty far behind me. I waved for him to come up and talk to me for a minute (we were in a very grassy area so people couldn’t really see what we were doing). He started jogging right by me!

DUDE!!

He stopped briefly and I let him catch his breath a bit. I told him that we could both cross the finish line at the same time if he wanted, but he declined and started jogging again. “No problem”, I thought…and I bolted past him again.

But then I started thinking that I didn’t need to kill myself to win. In fact, I was pretty confident at this point and felt I could ease up to catch my breath a bit (I’m still not in the best shape, after all). So I slowed down so he could catch up and pass me…

Wait…he was THAT far ahead of me?

At this point I could hear his cheering section (which included his wife!!) and realized that the grass wasn’t as thick here and people could see. I sped up again…passed him again…and slowed down again. I didn’t just want to rest up a bit, I wanted to make him feel as though he had a fighting chance.

We made our way around the final corner and I was just ahead of him…

Time to stop playing around.

I realized that I didn’t have the time to sit back play with him any longer because there was the (remote) possibility that he could find some burst of energy and embarrass me in the final feet of the race. So I took off…and I continued…and I didn’t slow down.

I got this!!

And in a VERY unattractive way, I finished the race first!

Wow…ugliest finish of a race ever.

I went to congratulate my pal but he looked like he was going to die. It literally took him five minutes to catch his breath enough to come shake my hand. I was concerned about him, but realized I probably didn’t look a whole lot better, either.

So the race is over, I’ve won, and now the stipulations have to take place. He owes me $50 (the REAL reason I took this bet), which I’ll take to use when buying him a dress at a local used clothing store. He has already told me that he’ll wear the dress next Friday, so it looks like it’s a done deal.

When all is said and done, we’ve both won in a way. I’ve lost 25 pounds, he’s lost almost 30 pounds. I’m now NOT adverse to trying to integrate exercise into my daily routine (seriously Sunshine…I’m not…lol) and my eating habits are a LOT better than they ever were before.

Of course, Sunshine thinks I’m now the living embodiment of a Seinfeld episode…but we all need those moments every once in awhile, don’t we?


26 pounds!

As some of you may know, I made the conscious decision at the beginning of the year to change my life. I was concerned about my health, yes, but I thought it was more than that. I was coming out of a depression and I wanted to do whatever I could to turn my life around and move into a positive direction, beginning with my weight.

I entered 2012 weighing in at 238 pounds. Kids, I’m only 5’7″…that means there was a LOT of room for improvement.

Thought March and April were pretty stagnant in terms of weight loss, I’ve been able to get back on track in May. Sunshine is absolutely helping, though…she’s kickin’ ass and taking names. She’s out all the time running all over the city and that, my friends, is inspiring to me. Sure, this silly race is still taking place in a month’s time but that’s not what is keeping me motivated. No, it’s knowing that my partner in life is doing whatever she can to help inspire and motivate me in addition to motivating herself…and that’s a pretty cool feeling that I’ve never had before.

A boost in self-confidence helps, too. I’ve always had self-esteem issues in life, but I’m finally at a point where I look  in the mirror and I don’t hate myself and I don’t need approval from others to feel good about how I look. That has done WONDERS for me because any time I feel like I want to gorge on food or eat a ton of unhealthiness, I remind myself that I’M WORTH MORE THAN THAT.

So after five full months of changing my life, I woke up this morning to see this:

I’m down 26 pounds since the beginning of the year. That is AWESOME! I’m feeling better, I’m looking better, and my long-term goal of getting down to 200 pounds does not seem like such an impossible task anymore.

I’m a happy guy these days with a lot of change going on. But this change? This is a change that I can embrace with open arms.


Down 15

When I began my journey into a MUCH healthier lifestyle than I was ever accustomed to previously, I wasn’t 100% sure I’d be able to make it. I wasn’t sure if my unhealthy habits would come back to haunt me as they always did before. I wasn’t 100% sure if I’d actually be able to make the changes necessary in my life to live the way I wanted to live and look the way I wanted to look. I wasn’t 100% sure if the weight loss obtained in January would be able to be matched by the weight loss in February, as I always ended up caving in after the first month of trying.

Well…I’m now 100% sure that I CAN do it!

As of this morning, I’m down 15.2lbs from January 1st.  This, to me, is really incredible because I never thought I’d truly be able to do it. I knew I wanted it, but I didn’t know how much. After joining a 10-week healthy eating class and finding a personal dietician, I began to not only change bad habits but keep myself motivated.

I’ve changed how I eat (for the most part). Sure, I still have days where I cave (I had a 9″ pizza just the other night…not the best choice), but overall I’m feeling better than I’ve felt in years. I’m trying new foods and cutting out so much of what was making me overweight and unhealthy.

And get this…I haven’t even been really exercising that much!! Because of the winter weather, my walks have been infrequent and staggered. I’ve got a beautiful back-woods walking trail right next to my house that I couldn’t use because by the time it got light outside, it was time for me to go to work. The clocks turn back on March 11th and I, for one, can’t wait to hit that trail every single morning (weather permitting, obviously).

So I’m not writing this to get “kudos” or anything. I’m writing this to let anybody out there know that you CAN do it. It IS possible. I’m a 39 year old ex-smoker who gained 50lbs in two years after quitting that nasty habit. I turned to food as a way to substitute that addiction and it ended up making me extremely unhappy with myself.

While far from where I want to be, this forward momentum and losing one to two pounds per week is the greatest feeling. I’m not on a diet (I had a Kit Kat bar yesterday and was still well within my calorie intake for the day), I’m just a smarter eater than I was two months ago. I read labels (I READ LABELS!!), I count calories, and I’m more aware of Canada’s Food Guide than I’ve ever been in my entire life.

And the best part? I haven’t even really started yet!! If I’m down 15lbs after only two months, imagine what I’ll look like a year from now!!

Okay…maybe not. But still, this is a really great feeling to have.

If I can do it, YOU can do it.

Have a great day, everybody. ENJOY LIFE!!


It’s A Marathon, Not A Sprint

So I’m off to see my dietician again this morning.  It’s my fourth visit since the beginning of the year and things are looking good so far in 2012.  I’m down 9.6lbs since January 1st, which I’m quite happy with.  I mean, it’s no “Biggest Loser” number or anything.

Ahhh…but that’s the kicker, isn’t it?  For as inspirational as that show may be, it’s sometimes difficult to remember that these folks aren’t working any real jobs during their time on the show. All they do is work out…all day every day. So if a 400lb man loses ten pounds in one week, that’s kind of to be expected.

Any other time I’ve tried to lose weight, I’ve gone down a few pounds in the first week or two then have given up.  Whether it’s because I told myself that I was done trying or if it was because I told myself I had done enough, I never seemed to stick with things for more than a few weeks.

I’m about to start my second month of this new living experience. At this point, it hasn’t been nearly as tough as I thought it would be. Sure, the first couple of weeks were bad…but that was more about me trying to break some REALLY unhealthy habits.  Sunshine told me that I’d be doing healthy things out of habit after a few weeks and y’know what? I am.

As I enter my 40th year of life, I almost feel like I’m learning how to live all over again.  Here are some of the changes I’ve made thus far in 2012:

  • My after-hours snacking is at a minimum. And when I do snack, the worst I’m having is some popcorn.  
  • I’m walking at least 30 minutes every single day, whether the weather co-operates or not. I’ve been outside in some crazy sub-zero temperatures, too…so I’m definitely dedicated to increasing my walking and exercise habits as the weather gets better.
  • I’m eating more vegetables. Am I eating Sunshine-levels of veggies?  Heck no. But I’m having 3 to 5 servings of veggies most days, and that’s a HUGE change for me.
  • I’m eating breakfast regularly. One of the things I’ve learned is that I absolutely NEED to eat breakfast early because it kick-starts my metabolism.  If I skip breakfast, like I’ve been doing for the past 20+ years, my body doesn’t know that it needs to get going so it’s a major reason why my metabolism is so bloody slow and I’m the size that I am.
  • I’m counting calories. I’m not on a diet…I’m just making better choices.  I can still squeeze in a chocolate bar every now and then, but only if my daily calorie count says I can. I’m trying to stay at 2,000 calories or less per day, and by eating more healthy choices it’s actually leaving a bit more room to have the occasional 300-calorie treat.

I’m not saying I’m an expert or anything. I’m not claiming to have found all of the answers.  But at this stage in the game, I’ve already gone farther into making permanent life changes than I ever have before…and it’s all a bit exciting.

Both my personal dietician and my healthy eating class dietician have said that if I lose 1 – 2 pounds per week, that’s the healthiest way to go.  Pretty much anything more than that you are probably going to gain back when all is said and done.

So 30 days, 10 pounds. That’s just over two pounds per week on average. If I continue this for just another couple of months and stay on track, I’ll have hit my goal by April.

So with February popping up tomorrow, I know that I’ve got two pretty difficult months in front of me. I’ve got twenty more pounds to lose and a lot of mental obstacles to overcome.

But with the way I’ve been feeling lately, I honestly think that I’m going to make it this time. I’m not only going to lose the weight that I’ve been wanting to lose for the past five or six years, but I’m going to do it in a way that helps me continue to maintain a healthy weight going forward.

It’s not a marathon, it’s a sprint…and I’m doing whatever I can to ensure that regardless of WHEN I finish, all that matters is the end result.

And if I can do it, ANYBODY can do it.


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