Tag Archives: guilt

The Thoughts That Haunt

The losing of Jim “Depot Dad” Everson is still weighing on me. It’s weighing on me not just because he was a “blogger friend”, but because of a couple of other reasons. First is my mom. She’s going through radiation and chemotherapy right now to battle the tumors that are tearing her body apart…and that’s a really tough thing to deal with. Cancer sucks…without question. And as one grows older, I doubt there is anybody out there that hasn’t had their family or friends affected by cancer at some point. I’ve lost friends…I’ve lost family members…and now this thing with my mom and Jim is just giving me a sinking feeling in my stomach. But the really big weight I’m feeling is guilt.

Why guilt?

Well…awhile back Jim’s friend Rachel “Single Mom Seeking” Sarah asked some of her and Jim’s mutual friends via Facebook to send something to Jim to pick up his spirits a little bit. I made a home-made cd of Canadian music and bought a KISS card that played “Rock’n'roll all nite” when you opened it up. I got a message from Jim shortly after he received it:

Todd,

I want to especially thank you for your card and letter. I know this is a sucky time for you too. Cancer is the king of suck. There is no other way to put it.

Please feel free to call me any time.

415-xxx-xxxx

I copied your cd to my iTunes but haven’t listened to it yet. So are you telling me all of those musicians are from Canada?

Best wishes to you and your mother,

Jim

No…I didn’t call him. And that, more than anything else, is REALLY bothering me. It’s been tough to go through this cancer thing with my mom for the third time. Sunshine’s been great and I feel like she’s my confidant, but outside of her I just don’t feel overly comfortable talking about it.

So that’s the excuse I gave myself for not calling Jim and just talking….shooting the breeze, as it were.  Why didn’t I call him?  Why didn’t I take him up on a very generous and friendly offer when I had the opportunity?  Now…I’ll never get that chance.

I’m sorry, Jim.


Talk about bad luck…

My mom is awesome.  She’s always been there for me but man has she had a brutally tough few years as of late.

  • She had a brain tumor.
  • She nearly died from complications.
  • She needs two new knees.
  • She had more complications from the tumor.
  • She may have a touch of Alzheimer’s.

And this is all within the past three years.

My dad called me last night and pretty much tore a strip off of me for not calling lately.  I normally just visit once every two weeks when I’ve got the Ankle Biter and I don’t worry too much about it.  I mean, I’m not that far away and I’m always around if they need to get a hold of me.

So I haven’t talked to my mom in about two weeks.  He gave me the HUGE guilt trip for that and y’know…he’s right.  Even though my schedule got turned around a bit with Ankle Biter and Sunshine, that didn’t excuse me from NOT calling her to say “hi”.

Turns out I’m going to feel guilty for quite awhile.

Y’see, my mom went to Halifax yesterday to visit a specialist who looked at her knees.  I think the right knee specifically (isn’t it terrible that I don’t know for sure?).  She was hoping to get a recommendation so that she could travel out to Ontario and get the knee operated on.

Once the visit was over, she was on her way out to the car when…somehow…she slipped on the asphalt of the parking lot (it was raining).  I mean, she literally was ten steps out of the hospital (it’s a covered walkway to a parking garage) and…somehow…she ended up breaking her femur.

BREAKING HER FEMUR.

Now, the femur is the longest and largest bone in the human body.  It wasn’t just a crack, either…an ambulance driver immediately came over and said, “Wow…now that’s BROKEN.”  He ended up getting her rushed through the emergency room and they began pumping her full of pain medication.  So I’m not sure how, exactly, she did it…but she royally fucked her leg up.

My poor mom is turning 64 this year.  This is NOT a good thing for her to go through.

She’s scheduled to have an operation sometime today and it could be up to a year before it’s fully healed.

She was in so much pain that she just wanted to die.  She told my father to just let her die.  That broke his heart and it tore me up to hear him tell me about it.

So needless to say, I’m going to have a LOT of making-up to do when Ankle Biter and I visit her this weekend as she should be home by Friday night (fingers crossed).


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