Tag Archives: depression

January 26, 2012

Visualizing a great you

By Canadian Bald Guy

As I’ve mentioned over the past few months, I’ve been going through a depression that’s been extremely difficult to kick.  It’s really been a combination of a multitude of things over the past year, and everything seemed to culminate in late November/early December.

I feel like I’ve been happy lately, though…and I attribute that to a few different things. 

The first is obviously my incredible relationship with Sunshine.  At the risk of sounding lame (and I know that people are already rolling their eyes), it just seems that we end up getting closer and closer together every single time we’re together. I can’t imagine my life without her in it.

The second has been my Employee Assistance Program contact through work. “Tom” has been absolutely amazing…not only being able to recognize things through my multi-layered messages, but to also relate to a number of things in my life because of similarities in his own.  Just to be able to dive into some things that I didn’t really care to dive into (like my feelings on my dad’s relationship with his new fiance) have helped me a lot. 

The final road to being happy again has been to find the self-esteem that I’ve long been unable to find within myself.  To say I’ve had self-esteem issues over the years would be a tremendous under-statement. But somehow that has been changing a bit over the last month or so.  I don’t know if I’m quite ready to say that I love myself yet, but I feel like I’m finally going down a path that could very well lead me there…and that’s an exciting feeling to have.

One of the exercises I’ve been asked to perform is trying to visualize a great me.  Not just picturing myself thin and on a beach somewhere counting my money, but to realistically sit with my eyes closed while trying to visualize what is great about me…and that’s something I’ve never really done before.

Imagine…

…being healthy.  What does that mean to me?  It means being able to watch my son grow up. It means being able to fully enjoy the second half of my life in a much better way than I did the first half. It means not always looking over my shoulder to see if a heart disease or clogged artery is coming after me.  It’s really me living life to the fullest and being happy. So for the first time in my life, my health is a big priority for me.

…being positive about myself. What would it mean to NOT be so self-depreciating all the time? What would it feel like to not have doubts or negative feelings about every little aspect of myself?  If I can look at myself in the mirror and smile knowing that there are a number of positive traits about myself that I’ve always refused to recognize, just imagine how good that feeling will be if I mean it.

…feeling energized. Life is entering a very scary yet exciting time for me. The health changes, the weight loss changes, moving on from mom’s death, knowing that the future is full of fun and possibilities as long as I continue to maintain a firm grasp on the present…visualizing being happy and excited for life on a daily basis will truly be an incredible feeling if I allow myself to feel it.

…being at a healthy weight. This all began because I spoke to a dietician back in early November and got scared about my weight. I hated the way I looked and it was not only affecting me mentally, but it was having physical effects, as well.  I finally TRULY realize that losing weight in a healthy way is not a race but a marathon.  My lifestyle changes are small and slow yet steady and ongoing…and eventually these changes are going to benefit me physically.  I’m down almost eight pounds since January 1st, so my journey is taking me in the right direction.  I’m seeing a dietician every week and am attending healthy eating classes every week.  I’m making changes and sticking to them, even when I’m alone and the only person accountable for keeping me in line is myself.

It’s not going to be easy and it’s not going to happen overnight, but I’m more committed to making these changes than I ever have been before, and I gotta say…visualizing a great me isn’t too far of a stretch at the moment.

2 comments   |  tags: , , , | posted in depression, happiness, health

January 9, 2012

The Dream

By Canadian Bald Guy

I had a dream yesterday morning with a vivid image in my mind. My parents had just come back from a trip and were all smiles. We were happy to see each other and all was good with the world.

And then I woke up.

It’s fast approaching the one-year anniversary mark of my mother’s passing. It’s still affecting me to this day. That dream yesterday morning ended up “throwing me off” until well after lunchtime.

Every time I think I’ve begun to move on, her image creeps back into my thoughts. I’m sure this is something that every child must go through when a parent dies, but I just don’t know how to process these feelings so I can move on.

On a walk with Sunshine yesterday, just talking about the dream almost brought me to tears. I remember seeing her smiling, healthy face and thinking that my family was good again. Then something inside me told me not to allow these old emotions to rise to the surface and we quickly moved on to another conversation.

Maybe that’s the issue. Maybe my mind is telling me to address her passing and continue to mourn.  I just don’t know how that will help, though.  I visited her grave on her birthday and absolutely lost it.  I couldn’t visit her over Christmas because it was too painful. I’m trying to get through life as positively as I can…this seems to pop up at the most inopportune moments.

Thankfully, yesterday morning didn’t put a damper on the rest of the day as I snapped out of it. It was tough trying to find the reason why I was feeling the way I was feeling, though. I tried explaining to Sunshine but I didn’t really know myself until I thought about it late last night.

I wish I knew if I’m processing grief correctly. I know it’s different for every person, but I wonder sometimes if I have missed part of the process somewhere.

17 comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in death, depression, Stream of Consciousness

December 2, 2011

Seeking Clarity

By Canadian Bald Guy

As a lot of you know, it’s been a pretty rough year for me. I haven’t been myself since my mom got sick again just over a year ago. When she passed away in February, I thought I would be able to slowly get back to myself.

What I have found, however, is that I put on a good show for the people at work. I put on a show for my family. I sometimes put on a show for friends on Facebook and Twitter. I even put on a show sometimes for my blog readers.  But at the heart of it all, something’s just not right.

Sunshine has known it for months. I’m still loving and happy when we’re together (I feel “whole” when we’re together), but there are still times when she sees me act in a certain way and just doesn’t know what to do.

I don’t know if this is entirely tied to my mother’s passing, but it seems like every little negative thing in my life ends up being exponentially more negative. Things that I have control over…things that I don’t have control over…things that are work related or family related…things that may be a big deal or a very small deal…they all seem to resonate within my mind and stay with me longer than they should. They also affect me adversely, as though I have no control over my feelings.

I did a bit of research yesterday and came to a conclusion that may or may not be accurate. I don’t know if what I think is going on really is the case, because I never really thought about it before.

Depression.

I’ve always thought that being depressed was simply a “mind over matter” situation.  I mean, if I’m smiling and having fun with people then how in the world can I be depressed? 

The fact of the matter is that I’ve been showing more and more symptoms of clinical depression over the past couple of months, especially within the last few weeks. That scares me because it not only affects me, but those around me.

So I’ve decided to get help and find clarity by contacting my Employee Assistance Progam (EAP) through work, which is an awesome benefit of my job. I’ve explained to them what is going on inside my head. I’ve sent them details on things that may or may not be the cause of my feelings. I’ll let them decide what the situation is and we’ll take things from there.

For whatever reason, at this point everything looks foggy and blurry in my life…as if I’m just living in a haze from day to day.  I want to seek some clarity and try to see things for what they really are.

I want to love life again.

I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

8 comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in fears, health, Life, sadness

June 23, 2011

It’s tough…

By Canadian Bald Guy

…trying to love yourself when self-loathing is all you’ve ever known.

I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever loved myself.  Heck…I don’t even remember thinking of myself in a positive way for more than a day or so.  I know I’m a good person in a lot of different ways, but when I look in the mirror I’m disgusted with what I see.  All I see is the teenager than everybody picked on…the son that was never good enough…the guy who never had a date in high school.

I’ve never grown out of it or found a way to put it all behind me.  The time I’ve been spending lately to help move through these issues only seems to be exacerbating them…making them much more apparent. I’d like to be able to just ignore them, but the feelings end up bottling-up inside and coming out at very inopportune times.

And my feelings of self-loathing don’t just come from a physical aspect, either. I’m extremely self-critical in all aspects of my life, and when I make a mistake…any kind of mistake…I take the anger that I have at myself and end up lashing out at someone who happens to be within ear shot.

In addition, I eat because I’m depressed and it provides some sort of comfort to me.  I look at myself the next day and I’m disgusted with what I see, yet the only way I feel like I can make myself feel better is by eating again. It’s a vicious circle and one that’s difficult to break (although the past week has been a successful one).

I feel like money equals self worth.  And because I’ve always struggled to not only make it, but to save it…it has always affected how I view myself as a person, which I know it shouldn’t. 

There have been moments recently where I have had a very difficult time smiling, which is something most people see do quite often. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and sometimes when I’m thinking inward…really trying to see what’s at the heart of these thoughts and feelings…I enter a place that simply prevents me from smiling.

This place, I believe, is where all of my hurting comes from.  It’s a room locked up in my brain somewhere, and it stores all of the hurt and the pain and the anxiety that has not only built-up over the years…but it also stores the beginnings of all of these feelings.

I’ve told Sunshine these things before.  They’re nothing new.  These are things that I realize require work on my part.  She has been giving me space recently in order to do just that.  However, even she was able to recognize that it appears that I’m afraid of what I’ll find if I really continue to look deep within myself.

And she’s right, actually.  I’m absolutely petrified. 

I’m afraid that if I truly dig deep and find the root cause for all of my ridiculous insecurities (and I can admit that I’m not really the big fucking loser that I’ve told myself I am all of my life), it will adversely affect my current life.  I’m afraid that this root cause will somehow damage current relationships…how can it not?  Isn’t that the point?  To find the reason for the hurt and then (somehow) confront it and do something about it in order to find some kind of closure and move on healthier and happier?

I’m not able to do that.  At least not yet. 

It’s a process; it’s something that I’m working on. The problem is that I’m not entirely sure how to continue working on it without entering that room and confronting whatever is hidden in the back corner somewhere.

It’s tough.

5 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in Stream of Consciousness, Thoughts on stuff

May 13, 2011

I really need…

By Canadian Bald Guy

…this weekend.

It’s been a rough week for me. Once Sunshine told me that I had been acting differently and seemed a bit depressed, I’ve been going through the week in a bit of a daze as I tried to figure out why I was feeling the way I was feeling.

It turns out that there’s a number of things that are weighing on my mind, but most of it revolves around my mom.  With the upcoming Relay for Life, a need to scan all of her pictures and burn them to disc, and then finally burying her ashes now that the frost is out of the ground…I’m beginning to think (although I’m not certain) that I still haven’t fully come to terms with her death.  I guess it’s something I’m still working through but I’m finding myself just going through the motions on a daily basis…and that’s not who I am nor is it who I want to be.

The good news? I can recognize the need to do something before it gets worse. The better news? I’m spending the next FIVE weekends with Sunshine (beginning tonight!!) and she’s ALWAYS the remedy for whatever negative energy is in my life.

…closure.

I found out last night that we’ll be burying mom’s ashes on Thursday morning in a very small ceremony. I’m thinking that maybe I hadn’t dealt with her death as well as I thought I did because I always knew I’d had to re-visit the sadness of her passing sooner rather than later.

In addition, with both my parents’ 43rd wedding anniversary and Mother’s Day taking place within the last few weeks and the Relay coming up on June 3rd, there have been a lot of “in your face” reminders that she’s no longer here.  It’s not like I’d ever forget or anything, but it’d be nice to not have to focus on sadness at least once a month.

After speaking with someone who lost their father nine years ago to cancer last night, I know that these feelings will get better but never truly go away. Even now, she can just have a random moment when the gravity of her loss hits her and she loses it.

And maybe I’m just kidding myself. Maybe burying her and lighting a luminary at the Relay won’t give me any closure at all. Maybe I’m going to have to dig down deeper and really get to some darker place in order to find out why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. My hope, though, is that it won’t be necessary. My hope is that after Thursday morning, things will begin to change for me.

…a “mental health” day.

I need a day to myself where I’m NOT lounging around doing nothing all day. I need to have a day to myself where I’m not staring at the walls. I need to get off my ass and do things that will make me happy and (hopefully) turn my life around.

I’m not sure what those things are, but I know that I can’t continue to mope around anymore. I went through this when my mom was first diagnosed with cancer and I separated from my wife…although, admittedly, the depression/funk that I went through was brutal and was at the point where I was shutting down and simply becoming a recluse.

I’m NOT at that point now in any way. I’ve got this outlet for my thoughts and feelings, I can recognize that I need to work through things and not just push those feelings deep down inside, and I’ve got the most amazing woman in my life that I couldn’t imagine being without. If I need anything at all, she’s there for me.  I don’t know if I’ve truly had that before.

…to stop stressing over Sunshine’s birthday tomorrow.

I don’t have much to give her. I simply couldn’t top what I did last year so I went a bit low-key this year.  Plus, in all honesty, it’s been tough to really get into the spirit of her birthday with all of the things going on around me.  Every time I tried to think of something unique and original and thoughtful and loving to give to her, I ended up stressed because I couldn’t come up with anything.

Hopefully she likes what I’ve gotten for her.  It’s small and it’s from the heart (no…it’s NOT a ring…yet…lol) and I know that she’ll be happy knowing that we’re together on her birthday, but I just wish I could stop stressing over my inability to get her the things that I really want to get her.

…to pick up my blogging.

Blogging is fun. Blogging brings me joy. Blogging helps me work through issues. I’ve been letting my emotions get the better of me lately and haven’t been motivated to write nearly as much as I normally would. I’m also finding the writings are, for the most part, not as happy or as thoughtful as I’d like them to be.

I feel like I’m a writer at heart. I feel like I can not only work through my own issues but also entertain others with my words. So whether it’s a lack of inspiration or a lack of motivation, I really feel like I need to turn it around because blogging is simply one of those things in my life that makes me happy.

*********

Wow…talk about a stream of consciousness post.  If I actually stumbled upon this post I probably would have skipped over it thinking that there are “too many words” (lol).

So if you’re still here reading, thank you. I appreciate not only you taking the time to read this blog of mine (which still baffles me sometimes to know that what I write is even interesting enough that others want to read it), but also for leaving comments from time to time. This isn’t a hugely popular blog and I don’t get 50 comments or anything, but I truly enjoy the little “Blogosphere” that I seem to be a part of…and I thought I should take a quick moment (especially now that I’ve been rambling forever) to thank you for whatever reason it is that brought you here to my blog. At times, it can be quite the humbling experience.

Have a great weekend, everybody. Take care.

******

I am still at 65% of my online fundraising goal thanks to some really great people. Thank you!!!  But with only three weeks left, I would really LOVE to be able to reach my online goal of $500.

Please join me in the fight against cancer by supporting my participation in Relay For Life. Whether it’s $5 or $500, every single dollar raised helps!!

It’s really easy – just click on this link. C’mon…help a brutha out!!

Thanks for your continuing support!

6 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in death, fears, health

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