Category Archives: sadness

December 2, 2011

Seeking Clarity

By Canadian Bald Guy

As a lot of you know, it’s been a pretty rough year for me. I haven’t been myself since my mom got sick again just over a year ago. When she passed away in February, I thought I would be able to slowly get back to myself.

What I have found, however, is that I put on a good show for the people at work. I put on a show for my family. I sometimes put on a show for friends on Facebook and Twitter. I even put on a show sometimes for my blog readers.  But at the heart of it all, something’s just not right.

Sunshine has known it for months. I’m still loving and happy when we’re together (I feel “whole” when we’re together), but there are still times when she sees me act in a certain way and just doesn’t know what to do.

I don’t know if this is entirely tied to my mother’s passing, but it seems like every little negative thing in my life ends up being exponentially more negative. Things that I have control over…things that I don’t have control over…things that are work related or family related…things that may be a big deal or a very small deal…they all seem to resonate within my mind and stay with me longer than they should. They also affect me adversely, as though I have no control over my feelings.

I did a bit of research yesterday and came to a conclusion that may or may not be accurate. I don’t know if what I think is going on really is the case, because I never really thought about it before.

Depression.

I’ve always thought that being depressed was simply a “mind over matter” situation.  I mean, if I’m smiling and having fun with people then how in the world can I be depressed? 

The fact of the matter is that I’ve been showing more and more symptoms of clinical depression over the past couple of months, especially within the last few weeks. That scares me because it not only affects me, but those around me.

So I’ve decided to get help and find clarity by contacting my Employee Assistance Progam (EAP) through work, which is an awesome benefit of my job. I’ve explained to them what is going on inside my head. I’ve sent them details on things that may or may not be the cause of my feelings. I’ll let them decide what the situation is and we’ll take things from there.

For whatever reason, at this point everything looks foggy and blurry in my life…as if I’m just living in a haze from day to day.  I want to seek some clarity and try to see things for what they really are.

I want to love life again.

I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

8 comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in fears, health, Life, sadness

September 11, 2011

I’ll always remember…

By Canadian Bald Guy

…where I was on September 11, 2001.

I had that particular day off and was just lounging around watching television.

I was flipping around the channels when I stopped on Live with Regis & Kelly (I’ve always had a bit of a crush on Kelly Rippa). It was the top of the hour and they were just talking about “stuff” as they normally do. They then began discussing how a plane had crashed into one of the World Trade Center towers and were wondering how an accident like that could have happened. A live shot of the smoking building was shown as they continued talking about how they hoped everybody was going to be alright.

Then it happened.

When that second plane hit, my stomach felt like it dropped out of my body. I couldn’t believe what I had just seen live on television. I immediately switched over to CNN and continued to watch in shock and horror at the remainder of the day’s events.

Then word came out on the local news that the multitude of planes heading for the U.S. had to be diverted to various Canadian airports. At that point, I called the local Red Cross and offered my home as a hostel for anybody who needed a place to stay. I was informed that every passenger from every plane that landed in the Moncton, New Brunswick area had found a place to stay overnight. And from what I remember, that was the same in all Canadian airport cities that had numerous emergency landings…from Vancouver to St. John’s. As a Canadian, knowing that made me proud.

2,996 people perished on that day. People from all over the world were affected, including some of the very bloggers I read.  While I can never truly understand how it felt to be directly affected by this tragedy, I know that this date in history will forever be etched into the global consciousness. This isn’t just a somber day for America, it’s really a somber day for the planet.

But having said that, it’s important to remember that this day didn’t only show the worst than humanity had to offer…but it also ended up showing the world the BEST it could be, as well.

Kindness. Compassion. Resolve. Tolerance.

It says something about humanity when it can live through an atrocity like 9/11 and find a way to turn it into a positive.  That’s what I’ll always remember about this date…that while there is still some evil in this world, the good in people will always win out in the end.

9 comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in fears, sadness

July 13, 2011

I wish I was a baller…

By Canadian Bald Guy

I was going through some old posts from my previous (now private and well hidden) blog and found something from almost exactly three years ago.  In the post I was wishing to be a person that I wasn’t at the time.  I wasn’t in a very good place mentally and I think it shows in my words.

So I thought it would be interesting to see what I thought of myself at the time and follow each point up with comments on where I see myself today…

**********

I wish I could be one of those people who were positive all the time.

I’m definitely a positive person now. Without question. I actually had somebody at work yesterday ask me why I don’t let things bother me and if I could mentor others!!  It took a lot of work, but my outlook on life in general is extremely positive…and life is better because of it.

I wish I could follow my own advice for others.

I think I’m still working on this one.  The good thing is that I’m able to recognize the times when I need to take my own advice and do my best to pause, take a moment, and then heed it.

I wish I wasn’t so lazy.

Heh…I’m still working on this one, too. But I gotta say that I’m definitely not as lazy as I used to be three years ago.

I wish I didn’t feel so lonely all the time.

Even though I’m in a long-distance relationship with Sunshine, I don’t feel this way anymore.  I may be alone most nights, but I’m not lonely.

I wish I could stop procrastinating.

This one will probably never change.

I wish I would think more before speaking my mind. I know not what I do sometimes.

This is something else I’ve definitely worked on over the last couple of years. I still say things I shouldn’t, but I’m a LOT better than I was.

I wish I could be “Zen”. Sometimes, negativity seems to pour over me like a cold shower in the morning.

Wow…the only shower that pours over me contains hot water and joy at a brand new day. It’s hard to believe that I was in that low of a place.

I wish I had more self-confidence. Not liking oneself isn’t exactly an attractive quality that women are clamoring over.

This is something I’m still working on today. It’s absolutely better than it was, but it’s a work in progress.

I wish I wasn’t always “just a friend”. Women seem to like me a lot but just not that much.

I think Sunshine has helped me in this category.

I sometimes wish I was smoking again. Certain things in my life seemed better during that time period. It’s a fleeting thought…but it’s always there.

I’ve been around smokers a lot over the past few years…even for a couple of hours last weekend…and it doesn’t bother me anymore. I don’t even think about smoking, so my hope is that it’s an addiction I’ve put to rest.

I wish depression would motivate me instead of de-motivate me. You would think that seeing my stomach hang over my belt every day would be a good incentive to work out and lose a ton of weight. But I’d much rather eat some chips or a Blizzard or something chocolate. It’s not called “comfort food” for nothing. I actually feel better when I eat junk…and then I look at myself in the mirror and get depressed for eating it. It’s a vicious cycle.

While I’m still working on this one, I’m starting to over-come it. I’ve lost 13 pounds within the last month and I’m keen on continuing on this path. Fingers crossed…I can stay motivated because I know I’ll feel a lot better when all is said and done.

I wish somebody would care about me for who I am…not for the person they want me to be. Or think I could be. Or wished I could be. I’m totally willing to try new things and try to be “that person”. Y’know, the one that is exactly what my companion wants me to be…but I want acceptance first for who I am before I follow someone else’s road of guidance and advice.

I never would have thought at the time that I would have found the PERFECT person for me who loves me for exactly as I am. What an amazing change this can make to one’s life.

I wish I didn’t complain so much. Sometimes life sucks. I just need to stand in line & buy a helmet.

Bought my helmet awhile ago.  I’m good with life now.

I wish I would stop wishing for things that aren’t in my life right now. I need to slap myself, smarten up, and just LIVE.

While I still think I’m capable of having more of a “life”, I’m not wishing for things that are out of my control anymore. I’m doing my best to appreciate what I do have instead…it makes life so much easier to handle.

**********

Wow…I can tell you without question that I’m in SUCH a better place today than I was three years ago. It’s amazing how much I’ve changed and how some things are still the same.

The bottom line is that I’m always improving…never giving up…and never again letting life kick me to the curb regardless of what it might throw my way.

3 comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in happiness, sadness, Stream of Consciousness

September 22, 2010

The Thoughts That Haunt

By Canadian Bald Guy

The losing of Jim “Depot Dad” Everson is still weighing on me. It’s weighing on me not just because he was a “blogger friend”, but because of a couple of other reasons. First is my mom. She’s going through radiation and chemotherapy right now to battle the tumors that are tearing her body apart…and that’s a really tough thing to deal with. Cancer sucks…without question. And as one grows older, I doubt there is anybody out there that hasn’t had their family or friends affected by cancer at some point. I’ve lost friends…I’ve lost family members…and now this thing with my mom and Jim is just giving me a sinking feeling in my stomach. But the really big weight I’m feeling is guilt.

Why guilt?

Well…awhile back Jim’s friend Rachel “Single Mom Seeking” Sarah asked some of her and Jim’s mutual friends via Facebook to send something to Jim to pick up his spirits a little bit. I made a home-made cd of Canadian music and bought a KISS card that played “Rock’n'roll all nite” when you opened it up. I got a message from Jim shortly after he received it:

Todd,

I want to especially thank you for your card and letter. I know this is a sucky time for you too. Cancer is the king of suck. There is no other way to put it.

Please feel free to call me any time.

415-xxx-xxxx

I copied your cd to my iTunes but haven’t listened to it yet. So are you telling me all of those musicians are from Canada?

Best wishes to you and your mother,

Jim

No…I didn’t call him. And that, more than anything else, is REALLY bothering me. It’s been tough to go through this cancer thing with my mom for the third time. Sunshine’s been great and I feel like she’s my confidant, but outside of her I just don’t feel overly comfortable talking about it.

So that’s the excuse I gave myself for not calling Jim and just talking….shooting the breeze, as it were.  Why didn’t I call him?  Why didn’t I take him up on a very generous and friendly offer when I had the opportunity?  Now…I’ll never get that chance.

I’m sorry, Jim.

8 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in cancer, friends, sadness

September 19, 2010

R.I.P. Jim “Depot Dad” Everson

By Canadian Bald Guy

Rachel “Single Mom Seeking” Sarah wrote this on Jim’s Facebook wall today.

As some of you know, we have lost Jim. He’d asked us to let you know when it was time. The time has come. Thank you to everyone for the love you showed Jim.

In late July, Jim had asked Phil and me to pass on the following, written by Jim:
…
“I know everyone will remember me in their own way, but for my own selfish interests, I hope that people will remember me as a person who, though often bewildered by the world, was also someone who delighted in learning about it, and mostly, was thrilled when given the opportunity to share in the excitement of learning. I would like to be remembered as a devoted father and a loving friend.”

Sunshine and I are extremely saddened to know that we’ve lost someone we considered a “blogger friend”…someone who communicated with both of us and made us feel like we could hang with him at any point.

In fact, I was more than just a little happy to have been placed on his “Blogosphere Bingo Card” of fellow bloggers he hoped to meet in person (once he met you, he colored-in the card)…


RIP, Jim.  You’ll never be forgotten.

4 comments   |  tags: , , , | posted in cancer, sadness

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,650 other followers