Category Archives: parenting

Not Any Easier

I just spent the weekend with my son. While he seems to be adjusting extremely well to the distance between us, saying goodbye to him on a Sunday evening is NOT getting any easier.

I’m adjusting to the distance okay, sure. Living with Sunshine and her girls is a blessing…I truly feel like we’re a happy family when we’re together. And my son and I have a great time when we’re together, too. So it’s not like I’m regretting my decision to move in any way at all.

It’s just when I’m cleaning up on a  Sunday afternoon. Both he and I are counting down the minutes until he goes back to his mom’s. For him, though, there is excitement because he’s anxious to see his cat and his dog and his mom. His time with me is over and he’s ready to get back to his “normal” life.  Maybe he’ll be more sad as he grows older…I don’t know.

But for me, it’s tough. It’s gut-wrenching every time I say that final goodbye, get into my car, and start making my way down the street. It’s at that exact moment that I feel like I can’t keep doing this. But after a few minutes, the feeling begins to go away a bit in the knowing that my family is waiting for me at home. 

My son is in great hands with his mom…he and I are getting along fine with video chats during the week…the distance really doesn’t seem that bad most of the time.

It’s just that initial “driving away” stage. That’s brutal and I don’t see it getting any easier as time goes on.  Thankfully, it really does help me appreciate the time that we spend together. Our time is special and it’s precious and I cherish every moment that we have. He knows that…and that’s all that matters.

Ankle Biter and CBG: 10-19-12


“I’m not gonna like your new girlfriend.”

I got an awesome “out of the blue” phone call from my daughter last night. It wasn’t anything more than a quick “Hi, how are you doing?” type of phone call. The type of phone call that I never would have had just three short years ago…when this post was originally written.

Y’see, my life has obviously changed dramatically over the past three years. Along with the relationship change is the improved relationship I’ve developed with my daughter, which makes me one happy father. In fact, she and I have even discussed her staying with this new blended family the entire summer in 2013!  So here is a glimpse of just how incredibly far my relationship with my daughter (and, in turn, Sunshine’s relationship with my daughter) has come.

It’s one more reason why I know I’ve made the right decision to move here with her…

**********

Rugrat & IMy daughter called me a couple of times yesterday to wish me a happy birthday. The conversations had been jovial and fun-spirited. In fact, her mom called me to say that The Rugrat had just gotten her first zit…on her nose…as a way to kinda embarass Rugrat a bit (in a fun way). So with the pleasantries going on, I thought it would be safe to discuss my relationship with Sunshine.

Y’see, I’ve never introduced anyone other than The Ex to Rugrat…I’ve always told myself that I didn’t want my kids to see adult relationships come and go as they got older. So the girlfriends I had before The Ex were never introduced to Rugrat.

Sunshine, obviously, is different.

Rugrat is expected to spend Christmas with me, so I thought telling her now would help prepare her for the meeting. I mean, Sunshine is going to be a staple in my life for a very long time so I thought it only made sense that Rugrat found out about her.

In fact, Rugrat’s mom had known about my relationship for months now (we’re casual friends on Facebook), but didn’t want to tell her because it wasn’t her place to do so. I respect that decision and I’m glad that I could be the one to tell her.

Well…I was glad, anyway.

I told Rugrat that I had a new girlfriend. She immediately got quiet. She then began to cry. I didn’t immediately understand why she was so upset.

“What about The Ex?”

“Honey, we’ve been apart for two and a half years.”

“But why? I didn’t know it was two and a half years.”

“Rugrat, we told you when it happened. You’ve flown down to visit me at least four times since and you’ve known all along that The Ex and I weren’t together anymore.”

“Is she still my stepmom?”

“Yes, baby. She’ll always be your stepmom and she’ll always love you. But I can’t be alone forever.”

“I don’t care. I’m only going to like The Ex. I’m not gonna like your new girlfriend.

“Rugrat…what if The Ex is dating someone, too?”

“Then I won’t like her boyfriend, either.”

“Sweetie…you’re allowed to like everybody. You don’t have to choose. You can like both people.”

“No. I only like The Ex. I never even get to see her anymore. The last time I came to visit I only got to see her once and spent the rest of my time with you.”

“That’s because I’m your father, honey.”

The phone was then passed along to her mom, who inquired as to why Rugrat was so upset. I explained the conversation to her and then realized that maybe I didn’t approach things in the most tactful way.

“No…I don’t think she’s mad at you or the girlfriend. Two of her friends are moving away and she’s all upset and worried about this pimple. That might be what’s really bothering her.”

“I just don’t understand why she’s so upset now about The Ex. It’s not like she calls her or ever asks about her (she doesn’t). And we told her when it happened what was going on.”

“CBG, after you told her on the phone about the separation I ended up talking to her about things with her stepdad. Everything appeared to be fine and she said that she understood. I really think she’s upset about something else. Let me talk to her and I’ll get back to you.”

“Thanks. I really appreciate that.”

And that was last night. I was immediately shaken-up about the whole conversation. I really didn’t expect that reaction. I guess I understand it…she was pretty close to The Ex and does visit with her every time she visits. But I really just thought 2 1/2 years was enough time to pass by before introducing someone new in my life. I really didn’t think she’d be so closed to the thought of either myself or The Ex dating somebody new. It’s just something that never came up in our conversations.

So now I’m in an awkward state. I’m not sure what to say next to her. I’m not sure how to approach things…especially over the phone.

I’m just not sure what to do.


Not Quite There Yet

I was absolutely giddy with excitement at the thought of spending the weekend with my son. I hadn’t seen him in two weeks (other than some video chats) and couldn’t wait to spend some time with him.

The weekend has come and gone and, for him anyway, it was just another weekend.

I say that because he was talking about how much he wanted to go to his mom’s on Saturday, primarily because of the dog and the new cat that reside there. They are his best friends and he loves being with them. She also has toys and games coming out of the woodwork, and those are things I just can’t compete with.

But the weekend was good and we had a good time, so I don’t want this to sound like a “complaint blog”. Far from it, actually. What I found was that I was the one having issues with being away from my son, not him. To him, I’m still living in the city. He even said that he’d show me something when he came to my house this week.

So because of that, there isn’t that sense of “OMG it’s a weekend with my dad!!”, and that’s tough for me to swallow at the moment. I’m going through the “OMG it’s a weekend with my son!!” and it’s tough to know he’s not feeling the same.

It’s not his fault…it’s just been two weeks so he’s not used to things yet. I’d like to think that as the weeks go on and he only sees me on the computer every couple of days, that our weekends together will really be special occasions where he’s not counting the minutes down on a Sunday afternoon until he goes home.

But on the flip side, maybe I shouldn’t be wanting him to feel that way. Maybe what I want is for him to be so comfortable with our relationship that our weekends together are, in fact, “just another weekend with dad”.

Still…it’s been a weird weekend for me. I’m beginning to get used to this move and this change, but I’m not quite there yet.


Dear Hypothetically Gay Son

I was going to write about something completely different today, but I found this article online yesterday that made me stop in my tracks.

A blogger/writer (John Kinnear) was inspired by this hate letter that was posted on Reddit where a father disowned his son just because he was gay. This deplorable act made John think about what he would say to his own son if he were told the same thing.

Honestly, I have thought about that situation myself…so I want to keep this letter handy because it’s pretty darn close to what I’d like to think I’d say if it were to ever happen in the future:

Dear hypothetically gay son,

You’re gay. Obviously you already know that, because you told us at the dinner table last night. I apologize for the awkward silence afterwards, but I was chewing. It was like when we’re at a restaurant and the waiter comes up mid-bite and asks how the meal is, only in this metaphor you are the waiter, and instead of asking me about my meal, you said you were gay. I don’t know why I needed to explain that. I think I needed to find a funny way to repeat the fact that you’re gay… because that is what it sounds like in my head right now: “My son is gay. My son is gay. My son is gay.”

Let me be perfectly clear: I love you. I will always love you. Since being gay is part of who you are, I love that you’re gay. I’m just trying to wrap my head around the idea. If you sensed any sadness in my silence last night, it was because I was surprised that I was surprised. Ideally, I would have already known. Since you were an embryo, my intent has always been to really know you for who you are and not who I expect you to be. And yet, I was taken by surprise at last night’s dinner. Have I said “surprise” enough in this paragraph? One more time: Surprise!

OK. Let’s get a few things straight about how things are going to be.

  1. Our home is a place of safety and love. The world has dealt you a difficult card. While LGBT people are becoming more accepted, it is still a difficult path to walk. You’re going to experience hate and anger and misunderstandings about who you are out in the world. That will not happen here. You need to know with every fiber of who you are that when you walk in the front door of your home, you are safe, and you are loved. Your mother is in complete agreement with me on this.
  2. I am still, as always, your biggest defender. Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you’re any less capable of taking care of and defending yourself. That said, if you need me to stand next to you or in front of you, write letters, sign petitions, advocate, or anything else, I am here. I would go to war for you.
  3. If you’re going to have boys over, you now need to leave your bedroom door open. Sorry, kiddo. Them’s the breaks. I couldn’t have girls in my room with the door shut, so you don’t get to have boys.
  4. You and I are going to revisit that talk we had about safe sex. I know it’s going to be awkward for both of us, but it is important. I need to do some research first, so let’s give it a few weeks. If you have questions or concerns before then, let me know.

That’s enough for now. Feel free to view this letter as a contract. If I ever fail to meet any of the commitments made herein, pull it out and hold me to account. I’ll end with this: You are not broken. You are whole, and beautiful. You are capable and compassionate. You and your sister are the best things I have ever done with my life, and I couldn’t be prouder of the people you’ve become.

Love,
Dad

P.S. Thanks to a few key Supreme Court decisions and the Marriage Equality Act of 2020, you’re legally able to get married. When I was your age, that was just an idea. Pretty cool, huh?

The original post can be found here and his blog can be found here.

Well done, John. I appreciate the inspiration.


You’re The Best Dad Ever!

Believe me…these are not words I’m used to hearing. As much as my kids love me, I’ve never actually heard those words before.

…until this weekend.

This was an Ankle Biter weekend and it didn’t really appear to be anything special. There weren’t any plans and we didn’t go out and do magical things. But for some reason, we really connected and had a great time together.

Twice during the weekend he said those words to me. Each time did not appear to be anything special, but yet he found them to be.

At this point, I don’t really care about the reasons(s) behind it. I’m a father…why would I want to question the reasons behind my son saying such an amazing thing to me?

So as I quickly write this on a Monday morning as he sleeps and I get ready to go to work, all I’ll say is that this has been a very memorable weekend because of those words. I couldn’t be more proud of my abilities as a father as I am today.


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