Last night I hit a pretty low point. I felt exacerbated…lost…broken. I haven’t felt that way in a very long time.
The cause is mainly financial in nature. I feel as though my finances will never change while in my current situation. I feel as though I’m going to have to make the decision to leave the city I live in (and thus, leave my son) and move to be with Sunshine in order for both of our lives to truly get on track.
Money’s tight…and it only seems tougher when the holidays are around.
But I know I’m not alone. I know that there are others out there battling each and every day to make ends meet. I know that some people won’t be able to afford anything for Christmas for their children.
So while I’m in a tough spot financially, I’ve got a roof over my head and food on the table for myself and my son. I’ve got the love of a beautiful woman and her two awesome girls. I may not have much for Christmas in terms of gifts, but I’ll have love overflowing…and I need to realize that’s the greatest gift I can give or receive.
The thing that really got me last night, though, was this upcoming weekend. It’s my anniversary with Sunshine. Three years of long-distance love.
My problem was that she really wanted to do something to celebrate…going out to dinner and dressing up and celebrating a fantastic achievement (i.e. making a long-distance relationship work). However, since I’m not in a financial position to do that, the money issue would fall on her. I’m trying to not be overly old-school here, but I feel tremendous guilt when she is the one picking up the tab. I feel even more guilt knowing that she’s not in the greatest financial shape, either.
So that guilt all came to a head last night.
Sunshine felt this. She hates seeing me like this. She hates knowing that I’m battling demons and issues and can’t seem to fight them because they always come back to fight me again. She also hates knowing that I bring most of this all on myself…my “need to self-destruct” seems to always be my number one battle and she can’t understand (nor can I) why I do it.
She actually offered to give up our weekend together. She said that the money I saved on gas for the trip could be better spent on Christmas gifts for my two kids. Out of anger or out of compassion, she was willing to make that sacrifice for me.
I slept on her offer.
I woke up this morning feeling like I had a bit more clarity. I felt like I was prepared to tackle whatever the world wanted to throw at me. I also couldn’t imagine not spending our anniversary weekend together.
So I’ve made the choice to go to Halifax this weekend to be with the love of my life. I’ve made the choice to enjoy every single moment that we’re together, regardless of what it is that we do or who is picking up the check. I’ve made the choice that I will not let stress run my life…that I will make smart decisions over the coming weeks that will allow me the opportunity to enjoy the holidays, not fall into depression because of them.
I’ve got a lot of issues that I’m trying to work on. It’s been a rough year…between having to move to a house I really don’t enjoy to losing my mother because of cancer to putting on a brave face as my father became engaged to another woman only months afterwards. I realize that I haven’t been myself and I have made choices that gave me “instant gratification” or “comfort” instead of smart choices that would help me over the long haul.
I’m working through it, though. I really am. I’m trying, anyway…and I guess that’s all I can continue doing. I just can’t let it defeat me.