Category Archives: fears

November 22, 2011

Working Through It

By Canadian Bald Guy

Last night I hit a pretty low point. I felt exacerbated…lost…broken. I haven’t felt that way in a very long time.

The cause is mainly financial in nature. I feel as though my finances will never change while in my current situation. I feel as though I’m going to have to make the decision to leave the city I live in (and thus, leave my son) and move to be with Sunshine in order for both of our lives to truly get on track.

Money’s tight…and it only seems tougher when the holidays are around.

But I know I’m not alone. I know that there are others out there battling each and every day to make ends meet. I know that some people won’t be able to afford anything for Christmas for their children.

So while I’m in a tough spot financially, I’ve got a roof over my head and food on the table for myself and my son. I’ve got the love of a beautiful woman and her two awesome girls. I may not have much for Christmas in terms of gifts, but I’ll have love overflowing…and I need to realize that’s the greatest gift I can give or receive.

The thing that really got me last night, though, was this upcoming weekend. It’s my anniversary with Sunshine. Three years of long-distance love.

THREE YEARS.

My problem was that she really wanted to do something to celebrate…going out to dinner and dressing up and celebrating a fantastic achievement (i.e. making a long-distance relationship work).  However, since I’m not in a financial position to do that, the money issue would fall on her.  I’m trying to not be overly old-school here, but I feel tremendous guilt when she is the one picking up the tab. I feel even more guilt knowing that she’s not in the greatest financial shape, either.

So that guilt all came to a head last night.

Sunshine felt this. She hates seeing me like this. She hates knowing that I’m battling demons and issues and can’t seem to fight them because they always come back to fight me again. She also hates knowing that I bring most of this all on myself…my “need to self-destruct” seems to always be my number one battle and she can’t understand (nor can I) why I do it.

She actually offered to give up our weekend together. She said that the money I saved on gas for the trip could be better spent on Christmas gifts for my two kids. Out of anger or out of compassion, she was willing to make that sacrifice for me.

I slept on her offer.

I woke up this morning feeling like I had a bit more clarity. I felt like I was prepared to tackle whatever the world wanted to throw at me.  I also couldn’t imagine not spending our anniversary weekend together.

So I’ve made the choice to go to Halifax this weekend to be with the love of my life. I’ve made the choice to enjoy every single moment that we’re together, regardless of what it is that we do or who is picking up the check. I’ve made the choice that I will not let stress run my life…that I will make smart decisions over the coming weeks that will allow me the opportunity to enjoy the holidays, not fall into depression because of them.

I’ve got a lot of issues that I’m trying to work on. It’s been a rough year…between having to move to a house I really don’t enjoy to losing my mother because of cancer to putting on a brave face as my father became engaged to another woman only months afterwards. I realize that I haven’t been myself and I have made choices that gave me “instant gratification” or “comfort” instead of smart choices that would help me over the long haul.

I’m working through it, though. I really am. I’m trying, anyway…and I guess that’s all I can continue doing. I just can’t let it defeat me.

3 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in fears, holidays, money

September 20, 2011

Conquering fear one zipline at a time

By Canadian Bald Guy

Yeah…THIS happened!!

This was my birthday gift from Sunshine: ziplining!! I am deathly afraid of heights so this was going to be very interesting. We made an (almost) two-hour drive to get to this place, but in the end it was well worth it!

You can't really tell, but my stomach was doing some MAJOR butterflies when this picture was taken. I really didn't know if I'd be able to go through with it. It looked like fun, for sure...but it also looked scary as hell.

This was a pic taken just moments before launching ourselves onto the first zipline. Obviously, the safety helmet was NOT working for me and my massive dome (sigh).

As you would expect, I made Sunshine go first (lol). I just didn't have it in me to step off that platform first and hover over 240 feet above the ground.

AND SHE'S OFF!! Yeah...this is Sunshine about to cross a 1,100-foot zipline over 240 feet above the ground. Her lack of fear gave me the strength to want to go next.

If you squint, you can still see her high above the trees below.

This was my look after completing the first zipline. My heart was pounding and I was literally weak in the knees. I was in a state of disbelief because I couldn't believe that I had stepped off that platform and into the abyss...floating over air. I was terrified, but had overcome my fear. Looking back now, I still can't believe I did it.

If you squint, you can see me making my way down the second zipline. This one was steeper and faster (zipping down nine stories!), but it wasn't nearly as scary for me. In fact, this one was incredibly fun.

I look at this picture and can barely believe that's me...ENJOYING the experience of ziplining down this huge hill. At this point, all I wanted to do was enjoy the moment as much as possible because I wanted Sunshine to be proud of me, doing my best to overcome and conquere my fears. Knowing she was at the bottom waiting for me made all the difference in the world.

Trust me...this thumbs up was a lot more genuine that the first one. I was happy and excited and thrilled to have been able to accomplish something like this. I think "stoked" might have been the word for this picture.

I never in a million years would have done something like this with anybody other than Sunshine. She inspires me on a daily basis and truly helps me become a better person.

3 comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in fears, fun

September 11, 2011

I’ll always remember…

By Canadian Bald Guy

…where I was on September 11, 2001.

I had that particular day off and was just lounging around watching television.

I was flipping around the channels when I stopped on Live with Regis & Kelly (I’ve always had a bit of a crush on Kelly Rippa). It was the top of the hour and they were just talking about “stuff” as they normally do. They then began discussing how a plane had crashed into one of the World Trade Center towers and were wondering how an accident like that could have happened. A live shot of the smoking building was shown as they continued talking about how they hoped everybody was going to be alright.

Then it happened.

When that second plane hit, my stomach felt like it dropped out of my body. I couldn’t believe what I had just seen live on television. I immediately switched over to CNN and continued to watch in shock and horror at the remainder of the day’s events.

Then word came out on the local news that the multitude of planes heading for the U.S. had to be diverted to various Canadian airports. At that point, I called the local Red Cross and offered my home as a hostel for anybody who needed a place to stay. I was informed that every passenger from every plane that landed in the Moncton, New Brunswick area had found a place to stay overnight. And from what I remember, that was the same in all Canadian airport cities that had numerous emergency landings…from Vancouver to St. John’s. As a Canadian, knowing that made me proud.

2,996 people perished on that day. People from all over the world were affected, including some of the very bloggers I read.  While I can never truly understand how it felt to be directly affected by this tragedy, I know that this date in history will forever be etched into the global consciousness. This isn’t just a somber day for America, it’s really a somber day for the planet.

But having said that, it’s important to remember that this day didn’t only show the worst than humanity had to offer…but it also ended up showing the world the BEST it could be, as well.

Kindness. Compassion. Resolve. Tolerance.

It says something about humanity when it can live through an atrocity like 9/11 and find a way to turn it into a positive.  That’s what I’ll always remember about this date…that while there is still some evil in this world, the good in people will always win out in the end.

9 comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in fears, sadness

June 14, 2011

Last Friday Night

By Canadian Bald Guy

Sunshine and I went into this past weekend with the hopes of reconnecting on a number of levels. I’m pretty sure I can say that the mission was accomplished. All in all, it was a great weekend where we, indeed, reconnected on a number of different levels.

We went out to enjoy the Halifax Seaport Farmer’s Market as we always do. And y’know what? It rarely gets old doing that with her. I just love walking through the artisans hand-in-hand…taking in the atmosphere…going up on the roof on a beautiful sunny day. It’s a non-verbal connection that we both feel.

Sunshine on the roof of the Halifax Seaport Farmer's Market: 06-11-11

I love experiencing new things with Sunshine. Something new experienced together was the “World Naked Bike Ride“, which is something we tried to see last summer but missed. We thought we may have missed it this year but we happened to catch a glimpse of the ride taking place and then did our best to get ahead of it just so we could take pictures. I mean, how often do you see 50+ naked people on bicycles all at once riding around?

Something else I got to do was stand next to a guy dressed as a stormtrooper…which, quite honestly, would have been fun enough for the geek inside of me to enjoy but I was more concerned with how my son would react.

I really think he’ll freak out (in a good way) at the sight of his father hangin’ with a “real life stormtrooper”. I’m hoping that his opinion of me elevates just a little bit.  I mean, c’mon…look at these!!

Gotta love the dude giving the stormtrooper some "bunny ears" behind him.

This is my "I'm getting attacked" pose. Okay...so maybe this was more for me than for my son.

The dudes from Maritime Heavy Armour

Actually, there were four guys there dressed up in different outfits from Maritime Heavy Armour who were there to help raise money to fight the battle against prostate cancer. Obviously, after just completing a very emotional Relay for Life just a couple of weeks ago, I’m all about giving these guys as much publicity as my little blog can muster. So if you’re interested in checking them out, please do so…you’ll find out info not only about them but about their fund-raising (they raised $300 the afternoon we saw them). You guys are doing a good job out there…making people smile and trying to raise funds for a good cause. Keep doing what you’re doing.

Hey…speaking of my son…he starts soccer tonight!  It’s the first organized sporting activity that he’s ever been signed-up for, so needless to say I can’t wait to go watch him every single time he’s out there.  I want to be “that dad”, y’know?  The guy who shows up for every game because he puts his son first. And right now, at a time where I could be working a TON of overtime, watching my son play soccer just seems so much more important than anything I’ve got going on at work.  I just can’t wait to be a “soccer dad”.

And now for the “depressing/not really that happy” part of today’s post…I gotta be honest and say that not everything going on in my life right now is all wine and roses. I realized over the weekend that my quest to finally accept myself as the good person that I am isn’t going the way I want it to.  I mean, I’m almost 39 years old and I still have moments where I feel like that 15-year-old kid who got picked on for wearing bad clothes, having bad hair, and suffering from really bad acne.

I have to admit it…I look in the mirror and absolutely hate what I see.  And what’s worse? I allow this reflection of myself to affect how I act around others.

I’m trying, though…I just need to figure out how to break down these walls I’ve built-up around myself over the years.  And I don’t think they’re walls that prevent others from getting in because I usually tell Sunshine more than I want to (I just don’t like holding things in when I’m with her).  No, the walls I’ve built are preventing ME from getting through to ME.

Sunshine has tried so very hard to help me see the man that she sees, and I feel like I constantly let her down because I just can’t see what she sees.

But I’m trying.

On the positive side of things, I tried chocolate soda over the weekend and didn’t hate it.  Seriously.

Oh…and Sunshine had some DQ, which is kinda eventful because it’ll be the last time all summer she’ll be having any. I’ll let her tell you why, though.

And finally, I have to admit that I absolutely love this new Katy Perry song/video. It’s catchy…it’s pop…it’s fun…it’s everything a guy my age SHOULDN’T enjoy, but I do.  Immensely.

LAST FRIDAY NIGHT by Katy Perry

5 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , | posted in dating, fears, happiness, music, photography, relationships

May 13, 2011

I really need…

By Canadian Bald Guy

…this weekend.

It’s been a rough week for me. Once Sunshine told me that I had been acting differently and seemed a bit depressed, I’ve been going through the week in a bit of a daze as I tried to figure out why I was feeling the way I was feeling.

It turns out that there’s a number of things that are weighing on my mind, but most of it revolves around my mom.  With the upcoming Relay for Life, a need to scan all of her pictures and burn them to disc, and then finally burying her ashes now that the frost is out of the ground…I’m beginning to think (although I’m not certain) that I still haven’t fully come to terms with her death.  I guess it’s something I’m still working through but I’m finding myself just going through the motions on a daily basis…and that’s not who I am nor is it who I want to be.

The good news? I can recognize the need to do something before it gets worse. The better news? I’m spending the next FIVE weekends with Sunshine (beginning tonight!!) and she’s ALWAYS the remedy for whatever negative energy is in my life.

…closure.

I found out last night that we’ll be burying mom’s ashes on Thursday morning in a very small ceremony. I’m thinking that maybe I hadn’t dealt with her death as well as I thought I did because I always knew I’d had to re-visit the sadness of her passing sooner rather than later.

In addition, with both my parents’ 43rd wedding anniversary and Mother’s Day taking place within the last few weeks and the Relay coming up on June 3rd, there have been a lot of “in your face” reminders that she’s no longer here.  It’s not like I’d ever forget or anything, but it’d be nice to not have to focus on sadness at least once a month.

After speaking with someone who lost their father nine years ago to cancer last night, I know that these feelings will get better but never truly go away. Even now, she can just have a random moment when the gravity of her loss hits her and she loses it.

And maybe I’m just kidding myself. Maybe burying her and lighting a luminary at the Relay won’t give me any closure at all. Maybe I’m going to have to dig down deeper and really get to some darker place in order to find out why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. My hope, though, is that it won’t be necessary. My hope is that after Thursday morning, things will begin to change for me.

…a “mental health” day.

I need a day to myself where I’m NOT lounging around doing nothing all day. I need to have a day to myself where I’m not staring at the walls. I need to get off my ass and do things that will make me happy and (hopefully) turn my life around.

I’m not sure what those things are, but I know that I can’t continue to mope around anymore. I went through this when my mom was first diagnosed with cancer and I separated from my wife…although, admittedly, the depression/funk that I went through was brutal and was at the point where I was shutting down and simply becoming a recluse.

I’m NOT at that point now in any way. I’ve got this outlet for my thoughts and feelings, I can recognize that I need to work through things and not just push those feelings deep down inside, and I’ve got the most amazing woman in my life that I couldn’t imagine being without. If I need anything at all, she’s there for me.  I don’t know if I’ve truly had that before.

…to stop stressing over Sunshine’s birthday tomorrow.

I don’t have much to give her. I simply couldn’t top what I did last year so I went a bit low-key this year.  Plus, in all honesty, it’s been tough to really get into the spirit of her birthday with all of the things going on around me.  Every time I tried to think of something unique and original and thoughtful and loving to give to her, I ended up stressed because I couldn’t come up with anything.

Hopefully she likes what I’ve gotten for her.  It’s small and it’s from the heart (no…it’s NOT a ring…yet…lol) and I know that she’ll be happy knowing that we’re together on her birthday, but I just wish I could stop stressing over my inability to get her the things that I really want to get her.

…to pick up my blogging.

Blogging is fun. Blogging brings me joy. Blogging helps me work through issues. I’ve been letting my emotions get the better of me lately and haven’t been motivated to write nearly as much as I normally would. I’m also finding the writings are, for the most part, not as happy or as thoughtful as I’d like them to be.

I feel like I’m a writer at heart. I feel like I can not only work through my own issues but also entertain others with my words. So whether it’s a lack of inspiration or a lack of motivation, I really feel like I need to turn it around because blogging is simply one of those things in my life that makes me happy.

*********

Wow…talk about a stream of consciousness post.  If I actually stumbled upon this post I probably would have skipped over it thinking that there are “too many words” (lol).

So if you’re still here reading, thank you. I appreciate not only you taking the time to read this blog of mine (which still baffles me sometimes to know that what I write is even interesting enough that others want to read it), but also for leaving comments from time to time. This isn’t a hugely popular blog and I don’t get 50 comments or anything, but I truly enjoy the little “Blogosphere” that I seem to be a part of…and I thought I should take a quick moment (especially now that I’ve been rambling forever) to thank you for whatever reason it is that brought you here to my blog. At times, it can be quite the humbling experience.

Have a great weekend, everybody. Take care.

******

I am still at 65% of my online fundraising goal thanks to some really great people. Thank you!!!  But with only three weeks left, I would really LOVE to be able to reach my online goal of $500.

Please join me in the fight against cancer by supporting my participation in Relay For Life. Whether it’s $5 or $500, every single dollar raised helps!!

It’s really easy – just click on this link. C’mon…help a brutha out!!

Thanks for your continuing support!

6 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in death, fears, health

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