Category Archives: depression

February 17, 2012

Carnival Depression Syndrome

It’s been just over a year since Sunshine and I made our way down to the Caribbean on our first cruise together. It wasn’t just an amazing time. It wasn’t just an incredible time. It was flat-out one of the most incredible experiences we’ve ever had, both individually and as a couple.

Sunshine had never been out of the country before and I hadn’t been on a “real” vacation with a significant other since…well…ever. The trips I took with my ex-wife were either to Ontario or somewhere that was equally depressing (mind you, we did go to Florida once but we argued the entire time and slept in separate beds…NOT fun).

To say that the two of us have been desperate to go back would be a tremendous understatement. I believe what we have is similar to Pandora Depression Syndrome.

Wait…what??

Yeah, that’s right. It’s a “medical condition” that appeared about a year or so ago when people who had seen Avatar subsequently fell into a deep depression at their inability to access a world in reality as beautiful, entrancing and spiritual as Pandora, the mythical planet depicted in the film (it was also one of the explanations for people watching an average movie with incredible special effects repeatedly in theatres). So while not a completely similar situation, needless to say we’ve been hankering to go back to some absolutely AMAZING locations.

We’ve got Carnival Depression Syndrome.

While not technically diagnosed by anybody, this is what I believe we’ve got. I mean, it’s the only rational explanation. Well…not really rational, but it’s an explanation nonetheless.

We think we MIGHT be able to pull it off this year. And if we do, we definitely want to do another Carnival cruise. Here’s a recap of what we did last year that made it so bloody memorable for us…

This was taken in Miami, Florida on the morning we left on the Carnival Glory. How beautiful is Sunshine in this pic? How lucky am I???

This is the view of Miami from the deck of the Carnival Glory as we were leaving for the Caribbean. To live here would be a dream.

Listen...I've got THREE of these bad-boys and Sunshine has two. I mean, we cleaned up!! Y'see, Carnival gives out a "ship on a stick" for contests and things like that. It's just a fun, cheap souvenir for people to take home.

While taking a taxi tour around Nassau, Bahamas...our driver simply pulled over next to a residential neighbourhood so we could take a photo. Can you imagine living in this part of the world?

Locked up in the Bahamas! I mean, what other time in your life can imagine getting inside a 200 year old jail cell in the heart of the Bahamas just for a photo op?

We got a towel animal every single night when we returned to our cabin. Unless your significant other is going to learn this special skill, you're not going to find it anywhere else.

Imagine sitting on the Lido deck of a beautiful cruise ship on a gorgeous sunny day. You're casually relaxing with a book next to the window and you look out at the harbour next to you. THIS is what you're looking at.

Paradise? Yes...I'd say so! A picture from the top of Paradise Point via the St. Thomas Skyride in the U.S.Virgin Islands.

This is the view from the top of Paradise Point in the U.S. Virgin Islands. That is our cruise ship, the Carnival Glory. How beautiful is this?

We were up early to get some exercise on the ship's walking track as we entered San Juan, Puerto Rico. Someone was kind enough to offer to take our picture as we sailed in. I can't tell you how much I appreciate this picture with the sunrise behind us over Old San Juan. It's not something you'd get a picture of every day. Y'know...unless you LIVED in San Juan.

This is one of my favorite pictures from the trip. It's Sunshine dipping her toes in to the ocean by San Juan, Puerto Rico. We were on a bus tour and only stopped at this beach for a few minutes, but the photo ops were incredible.

Here it was St. Patrick's Day (hence the green shirts) and we were at Castillo San Felipe del Morro in Old San Juan. When you see a big grassy hill and you're not really doing anything else and Sunshine "dares" you to roll down the hill with her, what are you supposed to do? LIVE FOR THE MOMENT!!

It's not every day that you get to walk up and down cobblestone streets. San Juan was absolutely incredible to experience.

Where else can you arrive on a cruise ship to a gorgeous, deserted beach only to find that it's 100% reserved for YOU ONLY?? Carnival owns a section of Grand Turk in the Turks & Caicos islands. We arrived to see hundreds of empty beach chairs and towels. I'm not much of a beach person, but DANG this was cool.

I'm not much of a beach person and my skin makes me not much of a sun person, either...so this was my view on the beach. Y'know, lounging in a chair looking at the crystal clear blue waters and surrounded by palm trees isn't the worst thing in the world to experience. At all.

This is probably my favorite shot from the entire cruise. Gorgeous day, beautiful beach, amazing waters, palm trees off to the side, the Carnival Glory right behind us, and two smiles that have been frozen in time.

It's not every day one gets to not only sing an Elton John song in a karaoke performance, but to actually dress up like him and perform in front of a couple hundred people!

After performing with other "famous artists" in a big production number, we were out in the lobby area taking photos with cruise ship guests. I think Sunshine became even MORE impressed with me knowing random strangers wanted to get their pictures taken with me! A star is born!!

As we entered Miami at the end of our cruise, this was how we felt. And to be honest, it's been the same feeling ever since. WE NEED TO GO BACK!!!

8 comments | tags: Avatar, Bahamas, Carnival, Carnival Cruise, Carnival Cruises, Carnival Glory, cruises, cruising, fun, good times, Grand Turk, happiness, life, love, Nassau, Pandora Depression Syndrome, photography, Puerto Rico, San Juan, St Thomas, Turks & Caicos, U.S. Virgin Islands | posted in depression, happiness, photography, tourism, travel

January 26, 2012

Visualizing a great you

By Canadian Bald Guy

As I’ve mentioned over the past few months, I’ve been going through a depression that’s been extremely difficult to kick. It’s really been a combination of a multitude of things over the past year, and everything seemed to culminate in late November/early December.

I feel like I’ve been happy lately, though…and I attribute that to a few different things.

The first is obviously my incredible relationship with Sunshine. At the risk of sounding lame (and I know that people are already rolling their eyes), it just seems that we end up getting closer and closer together every single time we’re together. I can’t imagine my life without her in it.

The second has been my Employee Assistance Program contact through work. “Tom” has been absolutely amazing…not only being able to recognize things through my multi-layered messages, but to also relate to a number of things in my life because of similarities in his own. Just to be able to dive into some things that I didn’t really care to dive into (like my feelings on my dad’s relationship with his new fiance) have helped me a lot.

The final road to being happy again has been to find the self-esteem that I’ve long been unable to find within myself. To say I’ve had self-esteem issues over the years would be a tremendous under-statement. But somehow that has been changing a bit over the last month or so. I don’t know if I’m quite ready to say that I love myself yet, but I feel like I’m finally going down a path that could very well lead me there…and that’s an exciting feeling to have.

One of the exercises I’ve been asked to perform is trying to visualize a great me. Not just picturing myself thin and on a beach somewhere counting my money, but to realistically sit with my eyes closed while trying to visualize what is great about me…and that’s something I’ve never really done before.

Imagine…

…being healthy. What does that mean to me? It means being able to watch my son grow up. It means being able to fully enjoy the second half of my life in a much better way than I did the first half. It means not always looking over my shoulder to see if a heart disease or clogged artery is coming after me. It’s really me living life to the fullest and being happy. So for the first time in my life, my health is a big priority for me.

…being positive about myself. What would it mean to NOT be so self-depreciating all the time? What would it feel like to not have doubts or negative feelings about every little aspect of myself? If I can look at myself in the mirror and smile knowing that there are a number of positive traits about myself that I’ve always refused to recognize, just imagine how good that feeling will be if I mean it.

…feeling energized. Life is entering a very scary yet exciting time for me. The health changes, the weight loss changes, moving on from mom’s death, knowing that the future is full of fun and possibilities as long as I continue to maintain a firm grasp on the present…visualizing being happy and excited for life on a daily basis will truly be an incredible feeling if I allow myself to feel it.

…being at a healthy weight. This all began because I spoke to a dietician back in early November and got scared about my weight. I hated the way I looked and it was not only affecting me mentally, but it was having physical effects, as well. I finally TRULY realize that losing weight in a healthy way is not a race but a marathon. My lifestyle changes are small and slow yet steady and ongoing…and eventually these changes are going to benefit me physically. I’m down almost eight pounds since January 1st, so my journey is taking me in the right direction. I’m seeing a dietician every week and am attending healthy eating classes every week. I’m making changes and sticking to them, even when I’m alone and the only person accountable for keeping me in line is myself.

It’s not going to be easy and it’s not going to happen overnight, but I’m more committed to making these changes than I ever have been before, and I gotta say…visualizing a great me isn’t too far of a stretch at the moment.

2 comments | tags: depression, happiness, health, life | posted in depression, happiness, health

January 9, 2012

The Dream

By Canadian Bald Guy

I had a dream yesterday morning with a vivid image in my mind. My parents had just come back from a trip and were all smiles. We were happy to see each other and all was good with the world.

And then I woke up.

It’s fast approaching the one-year anniversary mark of my mother’s passing. It’s still affecting me to this day. That dream yesterday morning ended up “throwing me off” until well after lunchtime.

Every time I think I’ve begun to move on, her image creeps back into my thoughts. I’m sure this is something that every child must go through when a parent dies, but I just don’t know how to process these feelings so I can move on.

On a walk with Sunshine yesterday, just talking about the dream almost brought me to tears. I remember seeing her smiling, healthy face and thinking that my family was good again. Then something inside me told me not to allow these old emotions to rise to the surface and we quickly moved on to another conversation.

Maybe that’s the issue. Maybe my mind is telling me to address her passing and continue to mourn. I just don’t know how that will help, though. I visited her grave on her birthday and absolutely lost it. I couldn’t visit her over Christmas because it was too painful. I’m trying to get through life as positively as I can…this seems to pop up at the most inopportune moments.

Thankfully, yesterday morning didn’t put a damper on the rest of the day as I snapped out of it. It was tough trying to find the reason why I was feeling the way I was feeling, though. I tried explaining to Sunshine but I didn’t really know myself until I thought about it late last night.

I wish I knew if I’m processing grief correctly. I know it’s different for every person, but I wonder sometimes if I have missed part of the process somewhere.

17 comments | tags: death, depression, health, life, sadness | posted in death, depression, Stream of Consciousness

December 7, 2011

The First Step

By Canadian Bald Guy

As I mentioned last week, I recently reached out to my employer’s assistance program in order to combat what may or may not be a clinical depression.

I had written my thoughts/concerns/fears/causes down in a lengthy email and sent it off. I received a reply yesterday morning that was detailed and full of encouragement and hope. Taking the time to respond properly, though, took a bit out of me last night.

It was strange…I was in a space I don’t think I had been before. I wasn’t sad, but felt completely drained when my email was completed. I had answered all of his questions and began to analyze myself…trying to figure out “what’s wrong”. I don’t know if it’s just one thing that is extending into everything else or if it’s just everything else that’s hitting me all at once.

I listened to music and became emotional, which is extremely odd for me. I mean, music normally elicits a response because of my love it…but I don’t remember the last time a song brought tears to my eyes, especially if it was a song that I had heard a thousand times before. I watched a live performance of the song on YouTube and was so moved I had to just stop listening to music for a few minutes. I felt as though the song was speaking to me…that it was telling me I wasn’t alone and that there was hope to be found.

Some may view this and wonder just what in the hell is wrong with me. Others may “get it”. Either way, this was the performance that “did me in” (to the point that I may want to buy this concert dvd)…

The EAP assistance provided isn’t long-term, so there’s a lot that will need to be done in a short period of time. It’ll rely on me discussing the passing of my mother, the extremely fast courtship of my dad and his new fiance, my long-distance relationship, the relationships I currently have with my children, my self-destructive tendencies, and my self-loathing/self-esteem issues.

That’s a lot of stuff to analyze…believe me.

But I’m committed to trying. I mean, I don’t want this depression that I’m in to begin over-taking my life. It’s been doing that for over a year now and it’s time to stop. I’ve completed the first step and I’m ready to take more.

I’m willing to do whatever it takes in order to get wherever it is that I need to be.

3 comments | tags: fear, health, life, video | posted in depression, Stream of Consciousness