Direction

You would think that at this stage in my life…a 41 year old re-married father of a brood who is finally where he wants to be on a personal level and a professional level…I’d have finally got things figured out. You would think that I finally worked out a plan so that I know what I’m doing on a day-to-day basis.

Some days, though, I feel like I’m completely lost and haven’t got a clue where to go next.

It’s not any one particular thing…it’s just a general sense of “me”. Rather, it’s my constant want and need to improve and grow as a person that is battling against my constant want and need to self-destruct so I can feel some self-loathing and think that’s the “normal” way to live.

For example, I have this whole issue with my weight that has been going on for years (pretty much since I separated from my first wife). In the year after I quit smoking (I was a pack-a-day for 16 years), I gained almost 50 pounds. That decision to quit, while certainly the smart one, was also one that changed my life completely as I’ve constantly battled my waist-line ever since.

I start…I stop. I blog to keep myself accountable but then I quit. I make progress…I self-destruct. I blog again to work things through. Wash, rinse, repeat.

But here I am, a grown-ass man KNOWING what he’s got to do in order to make that change, and I refuse to take the plunge. I watch Biggest Loser and usually eat junk food during it instead of being inspired by the incredible stories of courage and success. I lose a few pounds here or there and then think I’m okay and then BOOM~!! I’m right back to where I started. I start going to the gym, actually enjoy what I’m doing, and then find the quickest excuse NOT to go…whether it’s a valid one or not.

I know which direction I should go…I just feel lost trying to go there.

And it’s not just that. I feel lost at work sometimes. I mean, I’m a smart guy with a solid background who is finally thriving in the job I’ve always wanted. Yet some days I’m asked a question based on a conversation I had the week before and have ZERO recollection of ever having it. I make decisions that I know need double checking prior to actually double checking them. I feel like I’m losing brain cells somehow. As a grown-ass man, I know that I need to be more meticulous about what’s going on at my work…especially where I’m new and need to remember a LOT of things. Yet somehow I tell myself that I can simply remember things and then it comes to bite me in the ass.

I know which direction I should go…I just tell myself that “straight ahead” is the right road.

It’s a similar situation in my marriage, too. I know that I need to work harder on keeping the intimacy of my marriage alive. When we lived three hours apart, it was easy to go crazy on each other every other weekend. Now that we’ve been living together for over a year and a half, the intimacy isn’t there as much as it should be. Sure…sometimes it’s all about falling asleep in each other’s arms. That can be as intimate as anything else. But yet there are nights where I know that I should initiate things…but I don’t and would rather fall asleep because it’s the easy way out.

I know which direction I should go…I just feel like I should take a different path.

Bah. I realize that I need to keep my blog posts to a certain length in order to retain reader interest…yet here I am writing way too many uninteresting words.

Why can’t I figure out which direction I’m supposed to go?

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8 responses to “Direction

  • ~ Tammi ~ (@WindsweptCoast)

    The good thing is you’re not alone. I could relate to every single thing (aside from being an ex-smoker). I’m not sure why we tend to take the easy path or why we avoid challenging ourselves when we know we’d get positive results from our efforts. Why do we continually sabotage our efforts? Why can we do so great for so long and then one tiny thing throws it all aside and we back slide? We all have differing circumstances, life events, stressors, etc but at the center of it all is our self worth. Why can’t we see that only good things can come of some hard work? Why do we let that fact stop or hinder us? I don’t know the answer but I do know you’re not alone in feeling this way.

  • vivi

    See, this is why I love reading your posts and Sunshine’s. You. Guys. Are. REAL! There is no face, no facade, just real.

    I, like Tammi, can relate to everything you wrote. We work and live in a society that likes to put up a front. I don’t know the answer and I’m not convinced there is one or someone would be very rich. I try to live for the day, although not always successful, and when I make an excuse, which I do often as I am a terrible procrastinator, I try to recognize and stop the excuse. I also think choosing not to beat yourself up after a slip is important too as it can initiate a negative spiral that takes you further away from your goal(s).

  • T

    My friend… I hear you. And I hear the same things from GJ. As a matter of fact, since I’ve started a tough daily workout routine, he continually tells me how jealous he is. How he wishes he felt motivated enough to get back to the gym. This weekend, while I was at his house, I worked out every day. He sat in the next room watching me, sometimes even taking photos of me FINALLY able to do some strong things I’ve never been able to do before. He sat there. Watching TV. Telling me how proud he was and how he wished he could do it too.

    I really don’t know what to say. I’ve learned enough about myself that I NEED it. I don’t like feeling down because of my lack of fitness or heavy foods. It takes a lot to stay motivated. I workout with a neighbor and we keep each other accountable. Before that, I would schedule races to keep me motivated. I know me. I have to do that or I will sit on the couch too.

    As I’ve heard Sunshine say, she never regrets getting up early to run, she regrets the days she doesn’t do it. Stopping is not an option. Stopping means it’s even tougher to get started again. Just keep going. Move forward. Take a step. Initiate. Just DO IT. Then you won’t regret it later. Those regrets make you feel bad and obviously you don’t like feeling bad. Sometimes, with GJ, I think he’s just used to feeling bad and too far in to see how to get out of a slump. I think he wants instant gratification but it doesn’t work that way. You know this.

    You are not the only one who struggles with this. I promise. All it takes is one step. And then another one. You have the best motivation living with you. Figure out something that fits YOU. Sending you so much love.

    • T

      Guilt. Just read Jolene’s post on guilt and it made me rethink this. Is it guilt that makes us stop trying? Because we’ll feel guilty for not living up to some expectation? I wonder… We need to go have a donair and talk this out.

      xxoo

      • Jolene

        catching up on this after seeing T’s comment on my post. I think our actions really and truly need to stem from what WE want, not what anyone else wants OF us or expects OF us. What do YOU want in your life, what do YOU want your life, body, career etc to look like. Shape it based on your own perceptions and motivations, not some guilt over what you feel you need to be for anyone else. XO to you both.

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