You would think that at this stage in my life…a 41 year old re-married father of a brood who is finally where he wants to be on a personal level and a professional level…I’d have finally got things figured out. You would think that I finally worked out a plan so that I know what I’m doing on a day-to-day basis.
Some days, though, I feel like I’m completely lost and haven’t got a clue where to go next.
It’s not any one particular thing…it’s just a general sense of “me”. Rather, it’s my constant want and need to improve and grow as a person that is battling against my constant want and need to self-destruct so I can feel some self-loathing and think that’s the “normal” way to live.
For example, I have this whole issue with my weight that has been going on for years (pretty much since I separated from my first wife). In the year after I quit smoking (I was a pack-a-day for 16 years), I gained almost 50 pounds. That decision to quit, while certainly the smart one, was also one that changed my life completely as I’ve constantly battled my waist-line ever since.
I start…I stop. I blog to keep myself accountable but then I quit. I make progress…I self-destruct. I blog again to work things through. Wash, rinse, repeat.
But here I am, a grown-ass man KNOWING what he’s got to do in order to make that change, and I refuse to take the plunge. I watch Biggest Loser and usually eat junk food during it instead of being inspired by the incredible stories of courage and success. I lose a few pounds here or there and then think I’m okay and then BOOM~!! I’m right back to where I started. I start going to the gym, actually enjoy what I’m doing, and then find the quickest excuse NOT to go…whether it’s a valid one or not.
I know which direction I should go…I just feel lost trying to go there.
And it’s not just that. I feel lost at work sometimes. I mean, I’m a smart guy with a solid background who is finally thriving in the job I’ve always wanted. Yet some days I’m asked a question based on a conversation I had the week before and have ZERO recollection of ever having it. I make decisions that I know need double checking prior to actually double checking them. I feel like I’m losing brain cells somehow. As a grown-ass man, I know that I need to be more meticulous about what’s going on at my work…especially where I’m new and need to remember a LOT of things. Yet somehow I tell myself that I can simply remember things and then it comes to bite me in the ass.
I know which direction I should go…I just tell myself that “straight ahead” is the right road.
It’s a similar situation in my marriage, too. I know that I need to work harder on keeping the intimacy of my marriage alive. When we lived three hours apart, it was easy to go crazy on each other every other weekend. Now that we’ve been living together for over a year and a half, the intimacy isn’t there as much as it should be. Sure…sometimes it’s all about falling asleep in each other’s arms. That can be as intimate as anything else. But yet there are nights where I know that I should initiate things…but I don’t and would rather fall asleep because it’s the easy way out.
I know which direction I should go…I just feel like I should take a different path.
Bah. I realize that I need to keep my blog posts to a certain length in order to retain reader interest…yet here I am writing way too many uninteresting words.
Why can’t I figure out which direction I’m supposed to go?