I had a dream yesterday morning with a vivid image in my mind. My parents had just come back from a trip and were all smiles. We were happy to see each other and all was good with the world.
And then I woke up.
It’s fast approaching the one-year anniversary mark of my mother’s passing. It’s still affecting me to this day. That dream yesterday morning ended up “throwing me off” until well after lunchtime.
Every time I think I’ve begun to move on, her image creeps back into my thoughts. I’m sure this is something that every child must go through when a parent dies, but I just don’t know how to process these feelings so I can move on.
On a walk with Sunshine yesterday, just talking about the dream almost brought me to tears. I remember seeing her smiling, healthy face and thinking that my family was good again. Then something inside me told me not to allow these old emotions to rise to the surface and we quickly moved on to another conversation.
Maybe that’s the issue. Maybe my mind is telling me to address her passing and continue to mourn. I just don’t know how that will help, though. I visited her grave on her birthday and absolutely lost it. I couldn’t visit her over Christmas because it was too painful. I’m trying to get through life as positively as I can…this seems to pop up at the most inopportune moments.
Thankfully, yesterday morning didn’t put a damper on the rest of the day as I snapped out of it. It was tough trying to find the reason why I was feeling the way I was feeling, though. I tried explaining to Sunshine but I didn’t really know myself until I thought about it late last night.
I wish I knew if I’m processing grief correctly. I know it’s different for every person, but I wonder sometimes if I have missed part of the process somewhere.
January 9th, 2012 at 9:18 am
Personally I don’t think that there’s any way to process grief “correctly”. All you can do is allow your feelings, and work through them when they surface, which is what you’re trying very hard to do.
Try to be patient with yourself as well. I know that it’s very tempting to just want to push all of these feelings aside and “move on”, but I firmly believe that when people do that, their grief ends up coming out in other ways. It’s okay that this is taking some time. You loved your mom a lot. It’s natural to continue to miss her for a very long time to come.
I have every bit of confidence in your ability to work through this grief and come out on the other side of it a stronger, healthier man. It’s just going to take some time to get there…but you will. This I know. xo
January 9th, 2012 at 7:59 pm
I hope you’re right, baby. Being patient with myself isn’t one of my strong suits by any means, but I’m trying.
January 9th, 2012 at 9:52 am
I was just about to say what Sunshine said about correctly grieving…it is truly different for everyone. When my Nonna passed away two years ago, I dreamed of her often, and still do sometimes, and in those moments when I wake up, I feel her around me and it was as if she was visiting…perhaps your mom was doing the same with you. It’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to cry. A year (hard to believe it’s almost a year) is really not very long to grieve the passing of one’s mother. ((hugs))
January 9th, 2012 at 8:00 pm
That’s an interesting interpretation, Jo. I hadn’t really thought about it that way. When it happens again, I’ll do my best to wake up with those warm thoughts.
January 9th, 2012 at 10:25 am
I feel that grief on a parent’s passing never
really ” ends”, but instead eventually becomes
something we are able to live with. Years from
now one can find the smallest moment of a day
still brings us to weep with grief in the memory
and loss. I think this is natural, and that many
of us are blessed to have had/ have such
wonderful and loving parents.
So many out there grew up with horrible parents
and I feel sorry for them all. We are lucky
souls and I think your mother truly will
be by your side forever ( and I mean this in
a spiritual but not religious way)- just my belief…
Take good care of yourself and I am glad you
had( have by your side!)such a sweet mother.
Best wishes.
January 9th, 2012 at 8:01 pm
I appreciate the kind words, M. Thank you.
January 9th, 2012 at 11:11 am
Reading this entry actually brought tears to my eyes because I’ve had those dreams and waking up is such a mind f%ck. In the dream your world is perfect, they are there, very much alive, healthy and as you remember them at their best. Waking up and finding it was all in fact just a dream and they aren’t there with their smiling face throws you for a loop.
I like the previous poster’s thought of these dreams being a visit from them. They say in the after-life that people return to the way they were in their happiest time. Perhaps thinking of it as a visit from her and a way of her checking in on you and letting you know she’s okay can be a form of comfort to you.
I also agree that there isn’t a text book way to grieve and that you must trust in that you are grieving exactly as you should be because everything is an authentic feeling. Experience them, analyze them if you wish but don’t place any guidelines or limits on what is acceptable – they are your feelings – they all are, in whatever form they come.
No doubt the looming anniversary is playing a part in this as the more we think about things (or often try not to) they have a way of playing out in our head so we can process them – often in the form of dreams.
Be sure to also touch base with your dad often in the near future – he’s also staring at that future date on the calendar and it is bringing up raw emotions for him too. It will be made even more difficult for him with someone else in his life and he will no doubt do most of his commemoration in private but you two are bonded for life by your shared love for your mother and the grief of her passing. Extend your heart to him, I know he’ll appreciate it.
January 9th, 2012 at 8:05 pm
I’m sure that the anniversary probably has something to do with it. And your description on how the dream felt and what I felt like after I woke up is spot on. Total mind f*ck.
And I had already thought about seeing how dad was doing. Even though he’s “moved on” with his fiance, I really think next month will be tough for him. Reaching out is probably a good idea.
Thanks.
January 9th, 2012 at 1:33 pm
Well, everyone has said what I would about grieving. I know you mentioned going to an EAP counselor. Do you know if they have grief counselors?
A grief counselor once told me that grieving is like a Slinky or spring. In the tight coils, you feel really sad and in pain. Then you have some space to be ok. Then you’ll cross another coil and feel sad again. Eventually the coils are further apart but there will still be a trigger coil that will bring the emotion back again.
Maybe you could blog your grief? Writing about it, no matter how raw, may be helpful. And you could help others too. Don’t push it down, let it flow.
Love you.
January 9th, 2012 at 8:08 pm
My EAP doesn’t have grief counselors as such, but the person I’m talking to might be able to help me in this new direction. They tried setting me up with a local group but there was only one and it was primarily made up of seniors…I just didn’t feel like I could connect with anybody there.
My blog is a great outlet for me. Sometimes I wonder if I leave too much out there, but then Sunshine thinks that I may actually be helping others to be open with their own feelings…where if this dude is being so open and free, then they can to. I don’t know if that’s the case or not, but this blog has done wonders for me and how I work through life.
January 12th, 2012 at 3:52 pm
Well, you know how raw I’ve been, and I’ve been amazed at the feedback and support I’ve received. Hell, that’s how I “met” you.
January 9th, 2012 at 2:33 pm
The 1st year is the hardest. I know you have heard this before, but it is true. Especially that 1st anniversary. It will suck, I’m not gonna lie.
Everyone who has made comments has given some great advice. The most common advice that everyone gave that I agree with the most is to feel it. You have to go through it (the grief) to get to it (not being SO sad). I am an emotional person, so when my sister died, it was nearly 2.5 years before I could mention her name or tell a story and not cry. And, I know, crying IS part of the process. Talking is part of the process. Now, 5 years (next Monday) later, I actually smile when I talk about her. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I still miss her, but I’m not SO sad anymore. And, you know what, when her grandbaby is born in April, I’ll be there and we’ll go through another grieving moment. Like Sunshine says, be patient with yourself. Unfortunately (or fortunately) there is no time limit.
I agree with “T”. Blog about it. Talk about how much you miss her. Cause, you know, its also one of the best ways to honor her.
And, hey, cherish those visits in your dreams. It used to bother me, but now I can not wait for when my next visit might be.
Hugs to you! I’m here for you should you need me.
January 9th, 2012 at 8:10 pm
I appreciate the comments, Tammy. I hope to one day be able to smile again when talking about my mom.
January 9th, 2012 at 9:02 pm
I feel for you man! When my grandpa died i was a devastated 12 yr old more so when i heard he was looking for me at the time of his passing. It took me several years to get over the sadness. Be glad though that you have a sunshine to walk you through it.
January 9th, 2012 at 9:21 pm
Very true…if it weren’t for her, I don’t know where I’d be right now. Sunshine IS my sunshine.
January 10th, 2012 at 8:41 pm
I wish I had something awesome and inspiring to say, but the others said it much better than I ever could. Just wanted you to know that I’m thinking about ya. Hang in there, it gets easier!
January 11th, 2012 at 8:26 am
Much appreciated, CiT. I hope it does.