As I mentioned last week, my dad sprung his new girlfriend on me in a dinner where I didn’t know she was going to be attending. Oh…and for the record, neither did she. Oh…and for the record, he did the same thing to my little brother the following night.
So Ankle Biter and I went to visit dad on Sunday, as we normally do every two weeks. When we arrived, I saw that dad and his new girlfriend were sitting outside on the patio.
Wow…now my son was going to meet her.
We hung out on the patio in the sun for an hour or so before lunch. Dad went inside numerous times to check on lunch, and I’m sure there were times where he just wanted his girlfriend and I to talk a little bit.
Again…I need to stress how nice this woman is. I’ve got nothing against her at all. And again…I need to stress that dad’s happiness is so very important to me. He’s lonely…I get that. I don’t begrudge him for dating somebody new. He’s 65, for crying out loud. It’s not like he’s in his 20′s or anything.
But after lunch when we moved into the living room to watch television before visiting my aunt and uncle, that’s when things went from bad to worse for me.
As I sat there, I looked over at the couch where they were sitting. All I could see was mom and dad sitting on the couch, side by side…watching television and talking with me about our lives and what was going on. The same place where mom and dad sat for years. Dad even called her “dear” at one point.
I could barely look over at them.
I had somersaults and butterflies in my stomach. I fell physically nauseated. It finally dawned on me just how I’d been feeling about the whole situation: I’m fine with dad being ready to move on, but I’m definitely NOT ready to move on.
So while I want dad to be happy, I’m just not ready to have this woman so immersed in the family life. My family is my dad, my little brother, my son, my amazing girlfriend and her two girls, and then my extended family and friends. I’m still grieving and getting used to having a life without my mother around. I don’t think poorly of dad for wanting to move on, but I’m just not at the same place that he is…and I don’t know how to deal with that.
I can’t tell him. There’s just no way. I can’t sit in front of him and tell him that I’m not ready to “hang out” with him and the girlfriend. I’m can’t tell him that I’m uncomfortable with my son meeting her at this point…it’s confusing to him (and to me).
I just don’t think I can tell him without him taking it personally or taking it the wrong way. And you know what? I’ve worked too damn hard and have gone through too damn much emotionally to finally have the relationship with my dad that I’ve always wanted to risk it by alienating him in any way, shape, or form.
I mean, I can be honest and tender and gentle and true with him…but I know my dad. He’ll take it personally. He’ll get defensive (like father, like son?). He’ll either put up walls thinking that I’m attacking him for moving on or he’ll say “take it or leave it” and be defiant about the situation. So I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place…my feelings or his.
I went to my aunt and uncle’s and arrived about ten minutes before dad arrived. The group of friends and family that gather every Sunday afternoon proceeded to ask me about her and I was honest…she’s very nice and dad’s happy. I tried to explain that the whole thing is awkward as hell for me…that I’m not wanting to let it affect me but it’s difficult. They all had my back. They all told me that they felt the same way.
But nobody had any answers for me. Nobody knew how to proceed without stepping on toes or making things even more awkward and uncomfortable than they already are. Dad is oblivious to the whole thing…at least that’s how he’s playing it.
So what the hell should I do now? I feel so lost.
July 6th, 2011 at 9:25 am
*hugs*
It’s a tough situation, and I have no real answers. You can’t make your dad be more sensitive to your feelings. He’s the kind of guy that’s going to do what he wants to do, and let other people “take it or leave it” like you said.
It’s good that you’re being honest with yourself about how you feel about the situation….and personally I think that you’re well within your rights to feel awkward about the situation. Like you said, it’s one thing for your dad to move on with his life, but if you’re not there yet, you’re not there yet.
I love you, sweetie. Can’t wait to give you a huge hug on the weekend.
July 6th, 2011 at 8:45 pm
Thanks, baby. I’m looking forward to that, too.
July 6th, 2011 at 10:17 am
I don’t have any answers either, however, I think there is a huge distinction between being okay with your dad and his GF and not being ready to move on yourself. That is actually a really good point and some self-awareness right there. It’s hard to suffer in silence but at least you have this outlet to use and you have Sunshine to support you through this too. Hopefully your dad will see the signs (if you start pulling back etc) and not invite her to everything you do together and then easing into it will help, rather than full force (as it seems to be right now).
July 6th, 2011 at 8:46 pm
Thank you, Jobo. That’s what I had to defend myself about to an email from a friend who read the blog today. She went on telling me to stop thinking about myself and to think about dad.
I mean…isn’t that what I’ve been doing so far??
So yes…there’s absolutely a distinction between the two.
July 6th, 2011 at 8:51 pm
The thing is….it IS about you if your dad brings this woman into your life. Sure you love him and support him, but that doesn’t mean that you should feel like you have to welcome her with open arms into your life. Sure you can be polite toward her and respectful of your dad’s choices, but that doesn’t mean that it has to be comfortable for you. After all, you’ve lost someone here as well.
July 6th, 2011 at 11:01 am
You are very open to write about stuff so close to your heart and obviously so painful.
From a stranger’s standpoint, I question whether your dad has truly “moved on”.it may seem so, but I wonder if deep down he is so sticken with grief at the loss of your mom
and that this is simply a coping mechanism and providing some comfort at not being alone with his thoughts all the time.
I am sure that after all those years together ,he is not
fully healed with such a recent loss of the love of his life.
Are you able to ever just sit with him and talk about your mom,or is just still too raw for you all?
I think this must be terribly difficult for you-I would so very upset to have to experience this pain on top of the pain of loss.
Sometimes our families are the hardest ones of all to be truly open with(at least I have found).
Wishing you peace along the difficult path of grieving .Take care.
July 6th, 2011 at 8:48 pm
Oh listen…I’m believe 100% that he’s not ready to move on, but I’m not in the position to tell him that. Nobody can tell him that at the moment because he doesn’t want to hear it.
As far as sitting down and just talking about her, there’s just no way. He can barely bring up her name without getting choked up.
I appreciate the kind words. I’m doing what I can, y’know? Just trying to walk that fine line.
July 6th, 2011 at 11:13 am
Baby it’s your dad – he would, in my opinion, want to know that you’re uncomfortable with this. That you’re still grieving at the loss of your mother. This isn’t about you JUDGING him, because you’re not and I think that you may think that he’ll think you are. Be sure to express this to him.
You have to remember that you are indeed allowed to feel this way. And you are allowed to have feelings about spending a day with his new woman … it affects you.
I say tell him … be honest about your feelings.
Good luck.
July 6th, 2011 at 8:48 pm
I’m really hesitant to do that, to be honest. At least at this point.
July 6th, 2011 at 1:50 pm
CBG, I don`t know you in real life and I`ve only been reading your blog for about 6 months…so please qualify my comments however you want…but I’m not sure that I would (if I were you) be telling my Dad about it right now.
I suspect he is lost too…and doing the only thing that makes sense to him. And if he’s as defensive as you say he is (my father is exactly the same) you risk damaging a relationship that seems like it has been hard to build for the both of you.
I personally think that sometimes we *think* we need to tell people things, to get them off our chest, but the reality is that sometimes all that does is shift the burden unfairly onto the other person. If he is not going out of his way to hurt you….then try to be patient with him, distance yourself if you need to (i.e. limit or change your visits) and give yourself (and him) some time to figure all of this out.
I wont pretend to know you as well as what QTMama seems to know you…but I just really disagree with telling you that you have to tell him…just because he’s your Dad. Do what you think feels right…and if that’s keeping quiet (for now) then don’t feel guilty about that. Do what you need to….to continue healing and grieving the way that works best for you.
July 6th, 2011 at 2:14 pm
For what it’s worth, Natalie, I agree with you. Knowing CBG’s dad, I think that talking to him about it (no matter how gently) would cause bad feelings for his dad, particularly since he’s so emotionally raw right now. Sometimes not talking about something so emotionally charged is the best thing that you can do in a situation, because, as you said, it took a long time to build up the relationship that they have now.
Changing/limiting visits (without really talking about it a whole lot to risk hurt feelings/misunderstandings) is likely the best route to go in this situation. Just my two cents.
July 6th, 2011 at 8:49 pm
Wow…I think you’re spot-on, Natalie. Thanks for that.
July 6th, 2011 at 6:07 pm
Yeesh. That is so tough. It would be hard to be around that, CBG! The wound is still so fresh that I would imagine it feels like your dad is cheating or something!
I don’t know your dad so I’ll trust your instinct to not share your feelings with him. I’m sad that you hurt right now but you have to honor yourself. If it hurts you, I would agree that limiting visits may be necessary.
XXOO
July 6th, 2011 at 8:52 pm
I haven’t talked to him since Sunday, which is unusual for me. If he doesn’t call me tonight, I’ll probably call him on the way to see Sunshine tomorrow night (I’ve got hands-free bluetooth…no worries).
But yeah…maybe keep a bit of a distance (not too much, though) might be best for me and my son for the time being. But I don’t want him to feel as though I’m turning my back on him, either.
Yeesh…this whole thing sucks.
July 6th, 2011 at 10:58 pm
I am SO glad I didn’t overstep my boundaries and give assvice here that made anyone mad…I just have this SAME relationship with both my father AND my mother (I know, a whole other topic in and of itself) and could never EVER bring this type of thing up w/o long term damage. So, I thought I’d offer a different viewpoint. Good luck on this CBG….it’s a tough one!
July 7th, 2011 at 9:59 pm
No…you didn’t overstep anything. I appreciate all feedback, good or bad…it comes with the territory when you’re a blogger.
July 7th, 2011 at 8:27 am
Damn — that sounds like a tough situation. No matter what you do, it’s a no-win. Of course you’re not ready. I can’t imagine too many people that would be! My best advice is just to hang in there.
July 7th, 2011 at 9:59 pm
That’s all I can do, buddy.
July 7th, 2011 at 10:15 am
I’m going to give you a piece of advice from someone who has been where you are. My father died suddenly when I was 26, less than a year later my mother began dating other men, some where his old friends and some where strangers to me. Totally appropriate, but I struggled with all of it. And seeing your mom date is arguably even more strange and unsettling. Often I felt like she was cramming it down my throat, I live several hours from her and only see her on a limited basis anyway but when I was around her flavor of the week was there also. But she wanted me to embrace any future relationship that she might have with another man and being in her mid 50′s dating is much different that it is in the 20′s. Meeting the family isn’t the sign that marriage is on the horizon like it would me for the younger daters.
Finally she married another man and I had to ‘man-up’ and set aside my own challenges and embrace this man for her, which I have done (he asked for my permission to marry my mom) . But I will tell you that my failure to man up early on did strain our relationship which is still being felt to this day. Coupled with my father’s passing and her dating new men we stopped communicating which was the biggest miss. I take most of the blame for that as well.
Even though I now embrace her husband I often wish I would have acted more compassionately earlier on in her dating relationships and thought more about her feelings (I lost a father – she lost a lifetime partner) and less about my own and hadn’t pulled away like I did. Once I went down that path it became very difficult to turn around and go back.
As hard as this is and will continue to be unfortunately, I can only tell you that as the kids we need to support our parents as much as we can especially in light of the death of their spouse and our parents and for me that meant I needed to man up and put my big boy underwear on.
Some have suggested that you share your feelings, my personal take is that will come across as a selfish “aren’t you thinking about my feelings’ attitude that gets you no where and could end up sounding callous or worse.
That’s my two cents and hope I didn’t overstep my bounds here, you seem to need another perspective. Good luck.
July 7th, 2011 at 10:01 pm
I really appreciate this feedback, Kyle. It’s been extremely helpful. Thank you for sharing your story.