Sunshine noticed it first.
She sent me an email yesterday asking if anything was wrong. I hadn’t really been my normal self on the phone lately and I wasn’t blogging nearly as much as I normally did, so she was a little concerned.
I hadn’t really thought about it much until she mentioned it. But then, because I have an innate need to search within myself for answers, I then spent the rest of the day trying to come up with reasons why I wasn’t myself.
Admittedly, I’m not myself lately. I’m just completely unmotivated to do anything once I’m alone. I sit and stare at the computer or the television…completely oblivious to the world around me and unmotivated to do anything that could possibly make me feel better.
It’s weird…I couldn’t put a finger on one particular thing. I thought I’d be able to pin-point something…it’d be easier to fix that way. And while my mom’s death has been weighing on my mind lately (a lot, actually), I don’t think that’s the reason I’m feeling the way I’m feeling.
And even though I didn’t think I was doing too badly, Sunshine has recognized the beginnings of depression setting in with me and that makes her more concerned. Just the possibility that depression could sneak up on me without recognizing the symptoms myself is a bit unsettling.
I don’t know why I’m depressed, if that even is the situation. So at this point, I don’t know what I need to do in order to snap out of whatever it is that I’m in.
The first thing I’m doing, that I should have done YEARS ago, is mailing those divorce papers in to get finalized. It’s been over four years since my ex and I separated and it’s just ridiculous that neither one of us have pushed to get this done. It’s silly. So it’s getting done tomorrow. I don’t want to be married to anybody other than Sunshine…and thoughts of that can’t even enter my brain until we’re both officially divorced.
THEN we’ll see what happens next.
See? I’ve already got a smile on my face. Maybe I’ve found the solution to my problems, after all…
May 11th, 2011 at 10:30 am
Oh sweetie, I’m thinking of you. Take some baby steps to rid your mind of what’s got you down. Like this divorce thing!
Sending you love. You know we’re here for you.
xxoo
May 13th, 2011 at 12:05 am
Much appreciated, T. Thanks.
May 11th, 2011 at 1:33 pm
You’ve had a major trauma in your life, CaNook. And yes, taking the vacation with your pops was in fact, just that, a vacation from it. Grief is a helluva thing, if you ask me. And it’s not always easy to go through.
Hugs.
May 13th, 2011 at 12:06 am
You’re absolutely right. And it’s only recently that I’ve begun to truly realize that.
May 11th, 2011 at 2:30 pm
It could be Relay coming up,too. Although it is a positive thing, it is still bittersweet. I know I always get depressed and emotional just before ours. And lets not even talk about the day of.
Take care.
Tammy
May 13th, 2011 at 12:07 am
I think it’s definitely a big part of it, yeah. I went to a “captain’s meeting” last night and almost lost it just being there. It’s gonna be a very tough day, I think.
May 12th, 2011 at 9:41 am
Never underestimate the lifechanging moment
of one’s mother passing away.
For some it takes years to start to process and allow
themselves to feel the loss,for others it begins
a few months after….we are all different.
I think telling yourself you are doing ok with her passing may be a defence mechanism to avoid dealing and feeling the real pain (but of course I am a stranger , so forgive my nosy comments of guessing
what is up).
Also ,don’t underestimate the sad feelings of having your daughter basically not part of your life-it is a very sad thing many divorced parents have to deal with and I think sometimes it does hit us that the years are passing and the regret of not having a child in our lives is pretty depressing .
I and l my coworkers and friends have been feeling really down and blue the last few weeks-is it possible
the rainy weather is draining us all?Perhaps!
May 13th, 2011 at 12:08 am
Not having Rugrat around definitely takes its toll on me. I talk about her all the time and I can only wish that she loves me half as much as I love her. I totally miss her like crazy and can’t wait for her visit later this summer.
May 12th, 2011 at 11:09 am
So glad to hear you mailed in your divorce papers. As for feeling down, of course you are going to have plenty of times where you can’t quite put your finger on it, but you have been through a lot personally, with your mom passing away, and with well, being alone between trips to see Sunshine. It’s hard to cope with it all sometimes, cut yourself a wee bit of slack? Hang in there…my thoughts are always with you guys!
May 13th, 2011 at 12:08 am
It’s definitely been a busy few months, for sure. Sunshine, though, always seems to make things just a little bit better. Well…a LOT better.