Over this past weekend, I had a situation. This situation, unfortunately, also happened the last time that I got together with Sunshine and all three kids. I think it probably happened the time before that, too.
See…Sunshine and I have VERY different parenting styles. Let me be quick to say that neither style is any better than the other…it’s simply a different view on things. But the problem isn’t the parenting styles themselves…on our own, we each do very well with our children.
No, the problem is trying to find that happy medium where our styles can compliment each other. It has happened on occasion and things worked out quite well. But this past weekend, that wasn’t the case.
Now…it’s not a situation where I’m hollering and screaming or where Sunshine is yelling and waving her arms in the air. No…it’s nothing that drastic. But it’s real and it’s 99% me.
I tend to have mini-panic attacks in some situations…where I feel overwhelmed and then I react poorly. It’s something that’s affected me for quite awhile and, for the most part, it’s something that I’ve been able to deal with and keep in check over the past few years.
The problem is that when this happens, I tense up and the panic turns to fear turns to anger…and that ends up affecting those around me. And even if I’m fine 5 minutes later…to the point that I don’t even remember why I got upset to begin with…the change in attitude still affects the people I’m around.
And it hurts me knowing that I’ve affected them that much.
I could go into specifics…but suffice it to say that I struggle with my temper, but that my temper is based upon other issues that go much farther than skin deep. I’ve been struggling with trying to work through these issues since I hit a low point back in 2008 because I needed to find out what was wrong with me and figure out why I react the way I do to certain situations.
So I’m struggling with my struggle. And it sucks because I don’t want to be that guy. I don’t want to be the guy that makes my family walk on eggshells when around me. I don’t want to be the guy who makes people feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to be the guy that doesn’t realize what’s going on around him.
The positive side of this, I suppose, is that I’m acutely aware of where I’m at mentally and emotionally. I know that my rationale for certain reactions isn’t justified and that I shouldn’t feel the way I feel about certain things. So I suppose that being able to look inward and really analyze the situation is a good thing.
How many men do you know actually want to constantly improve themselves as individuals and will actively work to make that happen?
I’m one of those guys, and I believe that it’s a trait to be proud of. So while there were times this weekend where I didn’t act the way I wanted to act…or I didn’t react the way I wanted to react…being able to recognize that and want to work on improving that aspect of my character is something I should never shy away from.
So I’m struggling with the struggle…but it’s a struggle that I think I can eventually overcome.