Sunshine emailed me last night and wanted to discuss our future. She wanted some reassurances by coming up with some realistic future plans and alternatives to what we’re doing now. That conversation ended up in an argument.
Here’s my take on things…
- I do not want to leave my son yet. He’s only 3 years old and is still just learning how to talk. We’re just beginning our bond and I think I need to work on that bond awhile longer…at least until the end of this year. My hope is that by December, our relationship will be strong enough that I can look at moving away and becoming an “every other weekend” father…just to be with Sunshine and her two girls.
- Having said that, if that relationship isn’t as strong as I’d like it to be, then things will remain status quo. Period. My daughter missed out on having her father around full-time and I wasn’t strong enough to prevent her mom from moving away. As a result, we’re not as close as I wish we were. I will NOT do the same with my son. I will fight with everything I’ve got to have a solid relationship with him…so it’ll be my job to make sure our relationship is tight enough so that I can then have the type of life that I want to have with Sunshine and her girls.
- Am I content with the status quo? No…but at this point there is no other short-term solution. I can’t even afford internet at the moment (instead using my internet at work during breaks and using free internet at the local Starbucks to get my fix in addition to my Blackberry) so traveling back and forth any more than once every two weeks just isn’t feasible economically.
- This relationship needs time and patience to develop. I’m in this for the long-term, so trying to come up with any solidified long-term plans is certainly something I’d like to look at. But the truth of the situation is simply that there are too many obstacles currently in our path to do that. Are they immovable objects? No…they’re just obstacles that will require a bit of time and patience to overcome.
During the conversation/argument last night, I didn’t give as much support as I should have given her. I didn’t take the time to explain everything going on in my head. At one point, I told her that if she didn’t have the patience to work through these obstacles then maybe she had to review things on her end.
In retrospect, not a cool thing to say.
But I guess it is how I feel. I’m willing to be as patient as I need to be in order to make sure this relationship works long-term. It’s not me being content with doing what we’re doing, but rather being realistic (in my opinion) of our current situation and the drawbacks that we face.
I know it’s tough on her. I realize it’s hard because she’s a single mom of two awesome girls and she wants to be one big, happy family…with both of us sharing a love and a happiness that neither one of us have experienced before. I wish I could tell her things to make her feel better.
But we agreed on total honesty, though sometimes I don’t say the right things because I’m being too blunt with my feelings. This honesty may cause some issues here and there, but we’ll both appreciate it when all is said and done.
One of my best friends had a long-distance relationship with his current fiancé for almost six years, and while I certainly don’t want us to go that long it certainly gives me a TON of hope knowing that we can totally make this work.
Time. Patience. Understanding. Love. These things will pull us through…what we share is too incredible to think otherwise.