One of the big conversation topics K & I have been having has been about my fears. Obviously, the biggest reason I broke things off back in February was because I was scared. I was afraid to put in the effort that is required to make a relationship work because I did that in my marriage and it still failed. I didn’t want that to happen again.
I’ve already explained how I am now more afraid to NOT have her in my life than I am of failing at the relationship. I think that’s a big self-actualization step…and definitely a huge step forward for us.
I felt, though, that I needed a symbol. Something symbolic that I needed to do that would prove to her just how serious I was about over-coming my fears and being with her…regardless of the outcome. So I asked myself, “Self…what is my biggest fear?”
I can’t even begin to tell you how afraid of heights I am. I shake…I feel faint…I feel frozen. I look up at skyscrapers and feel dizzy and that I want to fall backwards. I have an extremely difficult time climbing my ladder and putting up Christmas lights. Heck…I even have a rough time changing a light bulb.
So there’s this bridge in Halifax…the MacDonald Bridge. I cross it every time I come to visit her. It’s pretty big (at least for the area). One day when driving over it together, I had mentioned that I had no idea that people could actually walk across the bridge and that there was NO way I’d ever do it. She joked that she had crossed a few times, and “the best” was when a bus would drive over it and the entire walk-way would shake.
Yeah…doesn’t that sound fun??
So yesterday, while walking our 10+ miles (which is INSANE for me…lol), I casually mentioned that one day I would walk across that bridge in an effort to prove to her how serious I was about conquering my fears. How serious I was about being with her, regardless of the unknown outcome.
SHE JUMPED AT THE OPPORTUNITY.
I was extremely hesitant. I really didn’t think she’d take me up on the offer. But once she got “the look” in her eyes and smiled…well, I just knew I had to do this.
This was going to be the symbol. This was going to be battling my biggest fear. For her.
We drove around looking for a place to park. I’ll totally admit…I tried to back out numerous times. Even walking down to the bridge, I attempted to turn around and flee. But I couldn’t. I had to show her I wouldn’t do that again…for anything.
Here’s the proof…
Needless to say, I didn’t quite get it half-way before we stopped to take this picture. She looked at me…told me she was proud of me…and then gave me the biggest hug. It was quite the moment. I felt as though I could do anything…
…and then a bus passed right next to us and the entire bridge shook.
“Okay…that’s it…we’re going back NOW!!”
But I did it. I did it for her. I did it for us.
Talking with a very good friend from Texas recently, she helped me realize that I was really going through a massive battle of “head vs. heart”. And she was absolutely right. I’ve always been driven by my head: What’s best for me? How will the future pan out? Will everything be okay? I never really let my heart take over before.
It’s taking over now…and I couldn’t be happier about it.