Fear? BE GONE!!

Yesterday was an absolutely perfect day.  And no, I’m not just talking about the weather.  From beginning to end…it was absolutely perfect.

One of the big conversation topics K & I have been having has been about my fears.  Obviously, the biggest reason I broke things off back in February was because I was scared.   I was afraid to put in the effort that is required to make a relationship work because I did that in my marriage and it still failed.  I didn’t want that to happen again.

I’ve already explained how I am now more afraid to NOT have her in my life than I am of failing at the relationship.  I think that’s a big self-actualization step…and definitely a huge step forward for us.

I felt, though, that I needed a symbol.  Something symbolic that I needed to do that would prove to her just how serious I was about over-coming my fears and being with her…regardless of the outcome.  So I asked myself, “Self…what is my biggest fear?”

HEIGHTS.

I can’t even begin to tell you how afraid of heights I am.  I shake…I feel faint…I feel frozen.  I look up at skyscrapers and feel dizzy and that I want to fall backwards.  I have an extremely difficult time climbing my ladder and putting up Christmas lights. Heck…I even have a rough time changing a light bulb.

MacDonald Bridge - Halifax, Nova Scotia

So there’s this bridge in Halifax…the MacDonald Bridge.  I cross it every time I come to visit her.  It’s pretty big (at least for the area).  One day when driving over it together, I had mentioned that I had no idea that people could actually walk across the bridge and that there was NO way I’d ever do it.  She joked that she had crossed a few times, and “the best” was when a bus would drive over it and the entire walk-way would shake.

Yeah…doesn’t that sound fun??

So yesterday, while walking our 10+ miles (which is INSANE for me…lol), I casually mentioned that one day I would walk across that bridge in an effort to prove to her how serious I was about conquering my fears.  How serious I was about being with her, regardless of the unknown outcome.

SHE JUMPED AT THE OPPORTUNITY.

I was extremely hesitant.  I really didn’t think she’d take me up on the offer.  But once she got “the look” in her eyes and smiled…well, I just knew I had to do this.

This was going to be the symbol.  This was going to be battling my biggest fear.  For her.

We drove around looking for a place to park.  I’ll totally admit…I tried to back out numerous times.  Even walking down to the bridge, I attempted to turn around and flee.  But I couldn’t.  I had to show her I wouldn’t do that again…for anything.

Here’s the proof…

Fear? BE GONE!! 05-24-09

Needless to say, I didn’t quite get it half-way before we stopped to take this picture.  She looked at me…told me she was proud of me…and then gave me the biggest hug.  It was quite the moment.  I felt as though I could do anything…

…and then a bus passed right next to us and the entire bridge shook.

“Okay…that’s it…we’re going back NOW!!”

Heh.

But I did it.  I did it for her.  I did it for us.

Talking with a very good friend from Texas recently, she helped me realize that I was really going through a massive battle of “head vs. heart”.  And she was absolutely right.  I’ve always been driven by my head: What’s best for me?  How will the future pan out?  Will everything be okay?  I never really let my heart take over before.

It’s taking over now…and I couldn’t be happier about it.

Best Day Ever: 05-24-09

(A full weekend recap will be up when I get back home sometime on Monday)