Wow. What a surreal night.
I entered the evening steadfast in the knowledge that I was happy being single and that what was in the past was in the past.
What a difference a few hours can make.
Without going into great detail, K is now back in my life.
WITH A VENGEANCE.
And so now the big question is whether or not we will get back together…if we can make this work or if the obstacles that I see in our way are really that big and cannot be overcome.
WAIT…WHAT?? Where in the heck did THIS come from???
For those of you who know who K is online (we’re both bloggers and actually started a co-written blog while we dated), you may be wondering what the deal is. I wish I could tell you in glorious detail just how this all happened.
Basically, last week I was “@ messaged” on Twitter by K. I hadn’t really spoken to her much since the break-up in February so I didn’t realize she had a new online handle and blog. I took a second to realize who it was and I playfully responded back.
Playful responses turned into harmless flirting.
Harmless flirting turned into big-time flirting.
Big-time flirting turned into hardcore flirting.
Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering……
BAH!!
I was emotionally torn. There were reasons why we broke up back in February. Had those all suddenly disappeared? I mean, was I “fantasizing about the gloriousness of the “good times” in my relationship instead of acknowledging the “bad times” that ended it?” (that’s a great quote, T)
I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to try this again. I didn’t want to hurt her again. She flat-out told me yesterday that she couldn’t do this again. I had a conversation with an amazing friend and took her advice and decided it was best to leave things in the past.
Then she went out on a date last night.
Dammit woman...I'm trying to drive!!!
And suddenly my stomach cramped. My insides became knotted. I felt physically ill at the mere thought of another man with her.
DAMMIT…I wasn’t supposed to feel this way anymore. Didn’t I just say recently that I wasn’t hung up on K? So what the snap am I feeling?
I talked to my friend again this evening while the Ankle Biter ate his supper. I told her that I didn’t think it could work; that if it were to work, though, that I needed some kind of “game plan”. I didn’t want to risk my heart or hurt K again. After seeing how quickly my marriage ended, I was afraid to fail at another relationship.
God…I can’t imagine hurting her again.
So my friend told me that if I was sure that there was no chance…if I didn’t want to give it another go…then I had to put my foot down. End it quickly and hurt her now or draw the whole process out and hurt her worse later (kind of like the whole pull-the-bandage-off-the-arm effect). She even told me of a book, It’s a breakup because it’s broken…and just the title seemed to make sense.
So the decision was made. That would be the end of it. I’d tell her and it’d be over and we’d both move on.
That was over five hours ago.
Make-up not required
We had a long talk tonight. I quickly remembered why I fell in love with her to begin with. Our personalities gelled like nothing either one of us had ever experienced before. The conversation, while pretty heavy at first, became lighter in tone as it went on.
Then she started making sense.
Most of the reasons why we broke up? They’re apparently no longer an issue. After talking about some of the things we went through, a lot of what she said made me feel silly for thinking they were reason enough to break up in the first place.
So why didn’t we just reunite immediately? It’s obvious that she’s never gotten over me and has tried dating in an effort to forget me. It’s obvious (now) that I’ve never gotten over her and have tried focusing on all other aspects of my life in an effort to forget her. So what’s the problem?
The distance.
We live 3-hours away from each other. And while that doesn’t seem like a big deal, I’ve got the Ankle Biter and his mom in the city with me…and she’s got her two beautiful girls and their father in her city with her. In other words, neither one of us will be moving any time soon. Years, potentially.
Lil' Miss Camera Shy
So that’s where we stand right now. I asked her if we could sleep on it (no…not together…get your minds out of the gutter) and tackle this again tomorrow night with a clear head. Maybe both of our emotions were just getting the best of us tonight.
But then again, maybe not.
I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. I’m so scared of hurting her…of getting hurt…of eventually reaching a place in our relationship where we absolutely cannot do the 6-hour round-trip anymore because it’s either all-or-nothing. I’m so afraid that I’ll fail at this if I try…if I give myself to her completely…if I open myself up. I did that with The Ex…needless to say, it didn’t quite work out as we had planned.
So I’m going to sleep on it. I’m going to search within and really ask myself if my fears of failing at another relationship are more important than giving up on what could very possibly be the truest love I’ve ever known.
Wow…it’s gonna be a long day.
May 19th, 2009 at 12:19 am
It’s amazing how fast things can change in life. I’ll be sending good thoughts your way, whatever your decision is.
May 19th, 2009 at 12:24 am
I have a lot of thoughts on this.
Which I’m going to keep to myself.
1) Because it’s not any of my business
&
2) Because I read both of your blogs and would hate to feel like I was favouring one of you over the other.
Which I don’t.
…I just have opinions.
lol
I hope you get a good night’s sleep and I’m excited to see what you decide!
May 19th, 2009 at 2:04 am
Whew. Wow, CBG. That’s a lot (and perhaps the heaviest post I’ve ever read by you).
But this, as they say, is life. Relationships are messy. There’s very little black and white. And blah, blah, blah (read: I’m done with the cliches).
I feel for you, man (even though I’m not one). I would hope and pray for you and K. that things could find a way to work. It sounds like what you two have IS a real connection (and great sex from before, ahem). And intimacy, IMHO, is what real relationships are really about. To connect to another is surreal and profound. And when it leads to love, nothing should sever it.
Very big, big hugs and kisses (on the forehead, of course). You are a good man, CBG.
May 19th, 2009 at 9:06 am
I don’t know your history (other than what I’ve read here), but if you knew mine you would probably be scratching your head and wondering how my husband and I are still together and in love. We met as teens in a 12 step program, had a baby in our very early 20′s, were very poor for a while, had fertility problems, had losses, had another baby, and then a surprise baby… and have had some really black footnotes in our sixteen years together all wrapped into those things, including a separation and an emotional hole in my heart and trust that I never thought would mend. ever.
No relationship is perfect. What makes it good is if you’re both ready to be open-minded and willing to delve into the issues with maturity and empathy. That, IMHO, is what makes a relationship work. All the other stuff is just fluff. If you think you can both do that, then I say give it a shot. Not that I have ANY say in this at all, but hey… I’m The Maven. I like to give unsolicited advice; it’s a lovely character flaw
Good luck!
May 19th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Oh sweetie…
I’m with you. What a HUGE difference a few hours makes.
Remember to trust the process.
Breathe. Remain calm. Don’t project ahead or backward. Just look at it NOW and see.
Either way, you will grow and YOU WILL BE OKAY.
May 19th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Well, she obviously makes you crazy, but does she make you happy? If she does, then three hours is a foot note to the life you can have with her. Best of luck brother.
May 19th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Wow, it’s all so scary and exciting at the same time.
I’m rooting for you both, either you end up with each other or not.
It’s trucky because you want to go with your head but your gut is telling you otherwise. I know that the gut is usually the way to go, especially when you’ve been apart. But that’s just the way I view things lately.
Good luck!!
May 19th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
John said it so well.
I’ve been dealing with my own relationship issues lately and many are similar to what you express here. I don’t have the answers either but it seems it is a “break up because it’s broken” – no matter how many times you do it. Read my post today to see what I mean.
May 19th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
The silver lining of all the angst is that it makes you feel alive! So dance and cry knowing that you are experiencing all that life has to offer.
Good luck with your decision.
May 19th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Abby, what a great comment. You’re right, you know…no matter what happens.
May 19th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
Sheila — I appreciate the good thoughts. And yes…it’s amazing just how quickly things can change.
Nicole — I’m hoping that the end result is the result that you’re wanting. I know you’ve got “thoughts” on the subject…so hopefully you wont’ be too disappointed.
Amira — Too heavy, you think? Hmmm. I appreciate the comments. I agree…intimacy (both emotional and physical) is really the key to all relationships. And yes…the two of us DO have a connection. A very real one.
The Maven — Your words are amazingly inspirational. THANK YOU. What an awesome comment.
T — I just want to thank you for being such a great friend to me through all of this outside of the “blogosphere”. I’m very fortunate to have found a friend like you. And that email you sent me this morning? It was PERFECT!! I really feel like I’m “trusting the process” right now…and just seeing where it’s going to go.
John — Y’know, I quoted your comment to both K AND T directly today. I can’t tell you how much that comment meant to me today.
“Three hours is a foot note to the life you can have with her.”
JunctionMama — This is absolutely a “head vs. heart” situation. My heart seems to want to make decisions based on how I feel, but my head always tries to think and plan and orchestrate. The only thing I can say is that listening to my head certainly hasn’t worked for me so far.
Mindy — Your situation totally sucks. There’s really no need for that…and you deserve so much more because you have so much more to give. I know I’ve never been perfect when it came to break-ups, but that was too cold.
Abby — I appreciate the very kind words.
mommasunshine — That’s right…no matter what.
May 19th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
No, CBG, not too heavy. Real. Just like it should be. “It’s not always rainbows and butterflies…” (Can you name that tune?)
May 20th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
“She will be loved” by Maroon 5. One of their better songs.
May 20th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
I’m wishing you the best with whatever decision the two of you make!