I’ve been putting off this post for a few days now. I’ve really been struggling with whether or not to blog about it…but it’s been bothering me so much that I just can’t hold it in anymore. I need to talk about it…blogging is my own version of online therapy.
I got a phone call on Saturday morning from Rugrat’s mom in Ontario. Apparently, Friday night there was a very in-depth conversation between Rugrat, her mom, and her step-dad.
This discussion was an extension of a discussion they had with her before she came to visit me. She’s still having issues at home…still having problems with kids at school…still having a hard time with her 10-year-old life.
There were some bombshells that were delivered during this conversation that have weighed heavy on me since Saturday:
- Her mom thinks that she’s going through puberty early. After after a ton of questions and doing some online research, she believes that Rugrat’s body believes it is 14 when she’s only 10. That’s creating a TON of emotional issues within her, not to mention the physical trauma of having her body jump-starting like that.
- She didn’t really understand the whole “father” vs. “step-father” thing. Her mom and I split when she was only eight or nine months old…and her step-dad has been in the picture since she was about two or three, so all she’s ever really known is having “two dads”. SIDE NOTE: He’s a great guy and I was told that he tried to explain the situation so that Rugrat really understood.
- Having understood, she went on to say “If I have two dads, why do both of them hate me?”
What the f*ck…..???
I was really shocked to hear this because I know her step-dad loves her very much. He’s a good man. He told her that if he didn’t love her, he probably wouldn’t have stuck around and married her mom. The problem, though, is that there are now two younger sisters in that household that were born from their marriage so Rugrat probably doesn’t think she is loved as much as the other two simply because she’s not “his child”.
It was crazy to hear this. Her mom and I always just assumed that she would grow up knowing that she had two separate parents who loved her but just didn’t live together. But as I learned on Saturday morning after talking to her mom, neither one of us ever had “the talk” about why we weren’t together. We just assumed that she would grow up understanding the situation…we never really considered her having questions as she grew older because she didn’t know any other way.
So yeah…the bombshell about her thinking I hate her? It comes from the suggestion that “I left her”…I “abandoned her”…and SHE WAS WONDERING IF I HAD LEFT BECAUSE OF HER.
Please…in addition to the punch to my gut, please punch me in the nuts. Then kick ‘em. Hard. Thanks.
I mean, she just visited me for two weeks last month on her spring break…so to hear that she said that she thought I didn’t love her just KILLED me. It still does. I mean, I told her every day just how much I loved her and missed her. We even discussed the possibilities of her moving in with me during the summer.
It didn’t take me long after hanging up with her mother to realize that I needed to get advice…and quick. I mean, I had so many questions…
- How can I explain to my daughter just how much I love her when I don’t see her very often at all?
- How do I explain the split between me and her mom?
- How can I adequately explain the differences between “father” and “step father” and that she can have the best of both worlds?
- Since they were close, do I need to re-explain my situation with my ex-wife?
- How can I explain the similar situation to my 2 1/2-year-old son as he gets older?
I immediately wrote an email to an online psychologist that I trust because I was in a bit of a panic about the whole situation. This person has since offered to speak with me on the phone as opposed to just discuss the situation via email. Now since I don’t know if this is normally their preferred method of providing advice or if it’s an exception for me and my situation, I don’t want to give this person’s name or website information at this time.
I’m nervous and I’m scared. My heart breaks every time I think about my little girl having those thoughts. Maybe they’ve been building-up for awhile…maybe they were said in a fit of puberty-filled anger. I don’t really know.
But I’m extremely grateful to the doctor who will discuss the situation with me. I feel totally lost right now. I’m going to be listening very closely to what this person has to tell me.
I need to resolve this. She’s my everything.
April 22nd, 2009 at 9:36 am
Thanks for sharing this CBG. I really hope you get this sorted quick, I’m sure you will be able to sort it out, as the truth will out etc. It is great, although it might not feel like it, that she is telling people these things and her feelings, able to express herself. Without knowing how she feels this could have manifested much longer. Take care.
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:44 am
Oh how heartbreaking! I always felt sad that it was just me and my daughter, and how I wished she could have a sister like I did. Maybe it isnt as easy as that.
I know my daughter’s father is trying very hard to act like a dad to his girlfriend’s kids and LB, and refuses to treat them any differently. I said, but THEY know they are different. THEY know what their roles are, and if you try to ignore their differences, they will feel like they aren’t important. Your daughter needs to know she’s special, NOT the same as your girlfriend’s kids, and that you understand how special she is too.
Obviously, you are doing everything you can to make your daughter feel special, and I admire and respect that.
I really have no experience with this, but it seems that when divorced parents move on and start new families, their child wonders how exactly they fit in to the whole equation. They see their mom and dad in new relationships with new babies, and that’s gotta hurt a little bit.
Maybe I’m just vocalizing my fears about moving on with my romantic life, and I really have no clue what I’m talking about.
Just keep making her feel special, call her on the phone, write her letters. You’re her dad, and you have the ability to reach her in a way no one else can. that’s all I have to offer.
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Oh CaNook, I’m sorry. I can feel your heartbreak sweetie. I think you should definitely, DEFINITELY speak with the psychologist.
I’m always very open with my daughter, even at her young age of six she does occasionally ask why mom and dad don’t live together anymore. I have to be honest, and tell her that sometimes mommies and daddies are simply happier when they are NOT living together. Being apart. It sounds like you have, on the surface anyway, a good relationship with your ex. Which is great, SO good for your girl. I wish I had better advice, I’m sorry your daughter is feeling this way.
*HUGS* Cookie.
April 22nd, 2009 at 1:21 pm
This made me sad. I can feel how upset this makes you.
I have also always been open with my daughters. My oldest especially because she remembers it better than Grace, who was only 1 year old when we split.
I do say that we weren’t happy together. And that happy parents make happier children. I’m sure I’ll still run into some questions down the road but so far, things are ok.
Please share what you learn. We will all benefit from it, I’m sure.
Just keep sending her love. She just may be in a very confused place right now but deep down, she does know that you love her.
She just may think she’s not worthy of love. Many of us do. And its nothing that you did or didn’t do. I would take her to maybe get her hormone levels checked too. Just in case. It could be typical teenage depression. I know I went through that.
I also found a few books on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Mommy-Whats-Step-Dad-Thomas/dp/1412083052
And lots more… Hope it gets better soon.
April 22nd, 2009 at 9:18 pm
SPD — I agree…the fact that she actually discussed these things at such a young age is HUGE. At least now we can tackle these feelings head-on and do whatever it takes to repair whatever damage may be there.
pisceshanna — I appreciate the comments very much. I think you’re right…I’m in a unique situation as her father, so I can (hopefully) reach her in a way that others may not be able to. That’s my hope, anyway.
QTMama — I’m actually calling the psychologist tomorrow after work. I’m still a little shocked that they offered to discuss this with me over the phone…but I’m extremely grateful for the opportunity. She’s never EVER asked me about why her mom and I split, which is why both her mom and I took this whole thing for granted. I’m hoping to find some answers so that I can mend whatever hurt and pain may be there.
T — I try not to think about the hurt that she must be feeling. I tear-up every time I do. No doubt she’s very confused and I feel horrible for not being able to recognize that sooner…regardless of whether or not she lives so far away. I’m just praying that she knows how much I love her and truly understands that it had NOTHING to do with her.
I guess I feel so much worse about the situation because I was, in fact, the absentee father when she was between 1 and 3. I took a job in another province and really wasn’t around during her early toddler years…which is something I’m absolutely LOVING with my son right now. So I’m having some big-time guilty feelings over this…like I totally brought this on myself.
Maybe I should have fought her mom to stay in the same province? Maybe I should have battled for 50/50 custody? I dunno…but I don’t want to concern myself with any guilt I may be feeling. This needs to be about HER right now…I’ll worry about myself later, y’know?
April 22nd, 2009 at 9:25 pm
I’m sure you’ll get this figured out. It’s clear how much you care about your daughter. Best of luck tomorrow with the psychologist.
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:44 am
My son was 3 when his mom and I divorced. She and I live 3 blocks apart, and have 50/50 custody. He’s 13 now, and it still bugs him that we split. Divorce is hard and painful on everyone. I’m not sure he’ll ever understand why his mom and I didn’t stay together.
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:55 pm
I’m sorry.
Growing up is so hard on little girls. I wish I had some great advice for you, buy I’ll be thinking great thoughts for you.
April 23rd, 2009 at 9:48 pm
Janet — I had a good conversation with the psychologist tonight. She really helped me put things in perspective and gave me some hope on how I may be able to resolve things and help the two of us move forward together.
dads — I’d like to think that eventually as kids turn into adults, they begin to understand the marriage/divorce process. It’s just the hardships of living through adolescence that makes things so difficult; the years of not understanding.
Anonmom — I appreciate that. I think we’ll be able to bridge the gap sooner rather than later. It won’t be a “quick fix”, but I think it’ll be a very positive experience in the end.
April 24th, 2009 at 12:03 am
Thank you for sharing with us.
That just breaks my heart. I think speaking with a psychologist is definitely a good idea. They will maybe be able to give you some insight as to what’s going on.
Maybe talking to your daughter is the best thing. I know there are a lot of details that you may not want to go into right now because of her age or the situation, but explaining what happened could definitely help.
The onset of puberty and the hormones that come with it causes a lot of very strong emotions with very little in-between. Just keep reassuring her. I’m sure things will work out.
April 24th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Oh, my. I’m sorry to hear of your situation. My kids were 3 1/2 and 18 months when we split, so I have had to deal with a few questions more recently, too. (I’m in a different situation, however, as we live near each other and share custody. And neither of us is remarried at this point.) Try not to panic and hang in there. The fact that you have what sounds like a great relationship with your ex and her husband is a significant help in addressing the issue. And, I agree w/ Nakia that talking to your daughter in her terms and keeping that line of communication open is a good thing.
April 24th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
BTW, don’t live with regrets about your past choices. Nothing you can do about them now – stay focused on the present.
(Yeah, I know. I often don’t follow my own advice, but here’s to hoping someone else will!)
April 25th, 2009 at 7:11 am
Nakia — Thanks for the comments. Yeah, I think the only way to really work this out is to speak with her…and not just over the phone, but in person. She’s scheduled to come visit this summer (I’m working on an extended trip) so that’s my goal right now. Positive reassurance is really my best bet.
Susan — I thank my lucky stars every day that I’ve got pretty good relationships with both of my ex’s. I’ve read too many horror stories to take the relationships for granted. Because our relationship is a decent one, I think it’ll really help the process of healing as time goes on.
And I know I shouldn’t live with regrets…but I do. I haven’t really jumped into that, but I discussed it with the psychologist. There are two ways to see any situation, and I see both sides to the one her mom and I made and it’s the “flip side” that eats away at me.
Let me put it this way: if given the choice again, I don’t think I’d have agreed to let her new family move away. I dunno…but that’s my gut feeling.
April 25th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
Oh wow! I really hope everything starts to clear up for her and that she knows she is truly loved by everyone!
I have a 13-month-old daughter, but her father and I were never together and never will be, and he rarely gets to see her because he’s in the military. My assumption has always been that when I eventually get married, my daughter will understand the two dad situation. Maybe I shouldn’t assume something like that so easily!
And puberty… my period started when I was 10, I was one of the first girls in my grade to start wearing a bra (4th or 5th grade)… very awkward time!
Sending lots of positive vibes your way for both you and your daughter.
April 27th, 2009 at 1:06 am
Very heart Breaking =(
I am so sorry you are going through this.
Hang onto hope. I think the positive reassurance is really going to help her understand that your love for her has nothing to do with your love for (or your relationship w/) her mother.
I completely understand where your daughter is coming from. I grew up w/ 2 dads, and thought (at a very young age) they both hated me. Pretty much for the same reasons you posted above. But I wasn’t as lucky as Rugrat to have such a loving father, who desired to prove his love and devotion.
I believe you are on the right path, and I will keep you all in my prayers.
HugZ
D