I’ve been putting off this post for a few days now. I’ve really been struggling with whether or not to blog about it…but it’s been bothering me so much that I just can’t hold it in anymore. I need to talk about it…blogging is my own version of online therapy.
I got a phone call on Saturday morning from Rugrat’s mom in Ontario. Apparently, Friday night there was a very in-depth conversation between Rugrat, her mom, and her step-dad.
This discussion was an extension of a discussion they had with her before she came to visit me. She’s still having issues at home…still having problems with kids at school…still having a hard time with her 10-year-old life.
There were some bombshells that were delivered during this conversation that have weighed heavy on me since Saturday:
- Her mom thinks that she’s going through puberty early. After after a ton of questions and doing some online research, she believes that Rugrat’s body believes it is 14 when she’s only 10. That’s creating a TON of emotional issues within her, not to mention the physical trauma of having her body jump-starting like that.
- She didn’t really understand the whole “father” vs. “step-father” thing. Her mom and I split when she was only eight or nine months old…and her step-dad has been in the picture since she was about two or three, so all she’s ever really known is having “two dads”. SIDE NOTE: He’s a great guy and I was told that he tried to explain the situation so that Rugrat really understood.
- Having understood, she went on to say “If I have two dads, why do both of them hate me?”
What the f*ck…..???
I was really shocked to hear this because I know her step-dad loves her very much. He’s a good man. He told her that if he didn’t love her, he probably wouldn’t have stuck around and married her mom. The problem, though, is that there are now two younger sisters in that household that were born from their marriage so Rugrat probably doesn’t think she is loved as much as the other two simply because she’s not “his child”.
It was crazy to hear this. Her mom and I always just assumed that she would grow up knowing that she had two separate parents who loved her but just didn’t live together. But as I learned on Saturday morning after talking to her mom, neither one of us ever had “the talk” about why we weren’t together. We just assumed that she would grow up understanding the situation…we never really considered her having questions as she grew older because she didn’t know any other way.
So yeah…the bombshell about her thinking I hate her? It comes from the suggestion that “I left her”…I “abandoned her”…and SHE WAS WONDERING IF I HAD LEFT BECAUSE OF HER.
Please…in addition to the punch to my gut, please punch me in the nuts. Then kick ‘em. Hard. Thanks.
I mean, she just visited me for two weeks last month on her spring break…so to hear that she said that she thought I didn’t love her just KILLED me. It still does. I mean, I told her every day just how much I loved her and missed her. We even discussed the possibilities of her moving in with me during the summer.
It didn’t take me long after hanging up with her mother to realize that I needed to get advice…and quick. I mean, I had so many questions…
- How can I explain to my daughter just how much I love her when I don’t see her very often at all?
- How do I explain the split between me and her mom?
- How can I adequately explain the differences between “father” and “step father” and that she can have the best of both worlds?
- Since they were close, do I need to re-explain my situation with my ex-wife?
- How can I explain the similar situation to my 2 1/2-year-old son as he gets older?
I immediately wrote an email to an online psychologist that I trust because I was in a bit of a panic about the whole situation. This person has since offered to speak with me on the phone as opposed to just discuss the situation via email. Now since I don’t know if this is normally their preferred method of providing advice or if it’s an exception for me and my situation, I don’t want to give this person’s name or website information at this time.
I’m nervous and I’m scared. My heart breaks every time I think about my little girl having those thoughts. Maybe they’ve been building-up for awhile…maybe they were said in a fit of puberty-filled anger. I don’t really know.
But I’m extremely grateful to the doctor who will discuss the situation with me. I feel totally lost right now. I’m going to be listening very closely to what this person has to tell me.
I need to resolve this. She’s my everything.