I had a really long conversation at about 2am last night with K about my relationship with her and her two girls…aged 3 and 5 (soon to be 4 and 6, respectively). We had spent the entire day together yesterday…all four of us…and she made some observations that had bothered her a bit.
Basically, yesterday was only the third time I had ever met her girls. They really like me…a lot. And that’s awesome because they are beautiful girls. They’re smart and playful and simply wonderful. My problem, though, is that I’m not yet sure what my role needs to be. At least not yet.
See, I’ve only ever been a father to my own children. I’ve never been in a serious relationship with somebody who had children of their own. So at this point, I’m just a little uneasy. I don’t want to try and assume a fatherly role yet…it’s just way to soon for that. I want to be their friend, absolutely…but I’m not used to having two children all over me, searching for my attention.
And I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining, because I’m really not. I’m totally committed to being in this relationship and I’m 100% ready to be part of this “instant family”. I just need to figure out what my role is and become comfortable in that.
On top of that, I guess that I’ve got some feelings of guilt. I mean, I’ve only given my feelings of love to my own children up until now. I don’t know why, but I feel a bit guilty over spending time with K’s children. Those feelings are to be expected, aren’t they? There’s certainly enough love in my heart to go around.
Anyway, we talked and I think K now understands that for as much as her and the kids need to adapt to me and my quirks and uniqueness, they also have to give me time to adapt to them and their lifestyle. I want to be in their lives a lot more going forward, so I want to make sure the relationship is there and is strong. But I also need to recognize my own comfort levels and try to work within those boundaries until we can all meet in the middle.
Maybe I’m rambling because I only ended up getting 4 or 5 hours of sleep last night. But I think both myself and K ended up at the same point in the conversation at around 3am or so. I need to open up…be less timid…be the very close friend that the children already want me to be. K needs to lower her expectations just a bit…especially where this is only our third meeting as a “family unit”. Things aren’t going to be absolutely perfect right out of the gate.
But I really feel like they can be. We just need a bit more time together.
I want this.
February 22nd, 2009 at 11:31 am
Very insightful post especially as it is a subject that I question all the time…blending families.
Seems like you are on the right track and it is very refreshing to see a man take the time to analyze the situation and not charge in like a bull in a china shop.
I applaud you!
February 22nd, 2009 at 6:33 pm
Thanks, Laura. I think K and I both found that happy medium and we’ll get to where we need to be, I’ve no doubt.
February 22nd, 2009 at 7:37 pm
It is a very interesting topic indeed. Although I have considered blending families if the right guy comes along, I hadn’t thought of the possible guilt that would be associated with loving someone else’s children.
As long as you two are communicating openly through this, you’ll be fine…
February 22nd, 2009 at 7:39 pm
I’ve had girlfriends meet my kids, but I’ve never met a girlfriend’s kids. Things never progressed that far with single moms I’ve dated. So, give yourself a break for getting this far, and venturing into new terrain. Sounds like you’re being very thoughtful in your approach. Even though my girlfriends have loved my kids, it did take a while for them to get used to my kids and our family routine.
February 23rd, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Of course “growing pains” are to be expected when blending two families.
I think it’s great that you care about how to best approach it and that the two of you are communicating about it. You will have to continue to do that as long as you are together, about the kids and everything else you face as a couple.
Your relationship sounds very healthy and positive so I’m sure the relationship you develop with the kids will find it’s way. Good for all of you!
February 23rd, 2009 at 7:40 pm
NewSingleMama — I would think that there would be feelings on both sides of a relationship when kids were involved. Maybe it’s just me and I’m just overly paranoid, I dunno. But yeah…we’re communicating and things seem to be swimming right along now.
DadsHouse — Thanks…I just really want to be careful about who meets my children because I don’t think it’s fair to have people coming in and out of their lives, y’know? I’ve seen it too many times.
Mindy — I appreciate the kind words. Thanks!
February 23rd, 2009 at 8:04 pm
[...] Instant family? Just add water [...]
February 24th, 2009 at 2:49 am
It’s hard.
JME and I have been together since last year — contemplating moving in together even and we’re holding off for now.
We’re still trying to figure out our dynamic.
We’re getting there for sure but it’s difficult sometimes.
My son’s father is now a (semi) active participant in his life. We’re trying to balance his long distance parenting with the daily interaction he has with JME.
His dad is his dad but I have a feeling that JME is going to be the main male role model in his life.
It’s just a result of distance, and interest I suppose.
JME wants to be there, to help him, care for him — to love him, and his dad “wants” to, but has taken a more passive role in it.
LoL I have to wonder if anything involving single parenting is ever UNcomplicated…
From what I’m reading, you guys are doing a great job
Keep taking things slow and you can’t go wrong!
February 24th, 2009 at 7:12 am
Thanks, Nicole.
And no…nothing that I’ve seen has led me to believe that anything in a single parent situation is ever UNcomplicated. But honestly…where would be the fun in that?