I had a really long conversation at about 2am last night with K about my relationship with her and her two girls…aged 3 and 5 (soon to be 4 and 6, respectively). We had spent the entire day together yesterday…all four of us…and she made some observations that had bothered her a bit.
Basically, yesterday was only the third time I had ever met her girls. They really like me…a lot. And that’s awesome because they are beautiful girls. They’re smart and playful and simply wonderful. My problem, though, is that I’m not yet sure what my role needs to be. At least not yet.
See, I’ve only ever been a father to my own children. I’ve never been in a serious relationship with somebody who had children of their own. So at this point, I’m just a little uneasy. I don’t want to try and assume a fatherly role yet…it’s just way to soon for that. I want to be their friend, absolutely…but I’m not used to having two children all over me, searching for my attention.
And I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining, because I’m really not. I’m totally committed to being in this relationship and I’m 100% ready to be part of this “instant family”. I just need to figure out what my role is and become comfortable in that.
On top of that, I guess that I’ve got some feelings of guilt. I mean, I’ve only given my feelings of love to my own children up until now. I don’t know why, but I feel a bit guilty over spending time with K’s children. Those feelings are to be expected, aren’t they? There’s certainly enough love in my heart to go around.
Anyway, we talked and I think K now understands that for as much as her and the kids need to adapt to me and my quirks and uniqueness, they also have to give me time to adapt to them and their lifestyle. I want to be in their lives a lot more going forward, so I want to make sure the relationship is there and is strong. But I also need to recognize my own comfort levels and try to work within those boundaries until we can all meet in the middle.
Maybe I’m rambling because I only ended up getting 4 or 5 hours of sleep last night. But I think both myself and K ended up at the same point in the conversation at around 3am or so. I need to open up…be less timid…be the very close friend that the children already want me to be. K needs to lower her expectations just a bit…especially where this is only our third meeting as a “family unit”. Things aren’t going to be absolutely perfect right out of the gate.
But I really feel like they can be. We just need a bit more time together.
I want this.