I think that in order to truly get a sense of where I am right now, you need to know the back-story to my current relationship.
I separated from my wife almost two years ago (it’ll be two years in March). It was amicable…we still get along…it was just a situation where we ended up being two friends who happened to share a child together. Not quite the ’til death do us part scenario I was hoping for. Then out of the blue late last year it happened…
November 23rd, 2008 at 10:07pm
That’s when a message popped into my Facebook inbox. A curious message was attached to a ‘friend request’. It was curious because it was from somebody I had never met before. But I decided to add them as a friend for two reasons: 1) She said that we shared a mutual friend and that she read my blog a few times, and 2)I thought she was really cute. So here’s what she sent to me:
Glad to see that my friend request wasn’t creepy.
Yes, I *do* worry about those kinds of things. heh
Nice. So my response?
No…it wasn’t creepy at all.
Yes…I was flirting. No…I didn’t really expect much of anything to come from it. But what came from it was a whirlwind romance where I have since been completely swept off of my feet. Totally head-over-heels in love. Feelings that I don’t remember having during my marriage…which is a scary thing to admit to myself yet still exciting because of the possibilities that lie ahead.
In the 18+ months since my separation, I had been through an emotional rollercoaster. I had attempted to date people online right after my separation in an effort to make myself feel better about myself…to make myself feel loved. When that only made me feel worse, I pretty much crawled into an emotional cave. While I was absolutely ready to move on by November 23rd, I really didn’t expect anything to happen.
I knew immediately there was a connection there. There was something that I had never had before. Honestly…something I never remembered feeling from any previous relationship. We ended up having the most incredible first date either one of us had ever had (I’ll detail that later in another post) and it’s been an amazing adventure ever since.
The bottom line…just so that I don’t ramble on too much…is that I feel the same now about her as I did at the very beginning, only more. She’s amazing. She totally gets me…she totally makes me happy…and she’s totally worth the time and effort it takes (and will take going forward) to see each other in spite of the distance. I don’t know where this is all going, but I’m crazy about this girl. I’m absolutely head over heels for her. So what’s the problem?
I haven’t told my ex yet.
We had both agreed that if we started dating somebody that we’d let each other know…just because a new person in our lives would affect our son. And now that I’ve got that somebody in my life that I’m hoping will become a very big part of my future, I’m searching for “the perfect time” to tell her.
I don’t know if I feel guilt…if I feel like I’ll hurt her feelings…if it will truly put a huge “THE END” sign to the marriage. I’m not sure why I feel this way or why it’s so bloody difficult in trying to find a way to tell her. She probably already knows. I mean, we’ve both got mutual friends on Facebook and I’ve been listed as being “in a relationship” for a couple of weeks now…but that only makes me feel worse for not being able to tell her first.
Is it that big of a deal? Am I worried about her feelings without good reason? Should I really be that concerned about it? Do I tell her in person? Over the phone? In an email?
I know I have to tell her very soon because Sunshine is going to come visit me for a week (she lives a few hours away and we only see each other one or two weekends a month at this point). With that week will come her spending some more time with my son. And then my daughter, Rugrat, is flying in from Toronto to spend a couple of weeks with me next month…and I want to introduce them.
BAH!! Why am I so worked-up over this?? I should just drop Ankle Biter off on Wednesday night and say, “Listen…I’ve got something I need to tell you.”
Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to go?